So, I'm not sure how this website works yet, and I can't stand to take the time to figure it out at the moment. I basically have thought myself into a bit of a tizzy tonight and I need some feedback because things are not going in an ideal direction, or really any direction at this point... So I came here. Where to begin... hmm. Well, I could start in sixth grade. Please bear with me if you are reading this (I don't know if every post gets read on this website sooo... yeah), I'd just like to get EVERYTHING out. Tell the ENTIREEE story. This could be intolerably long. You could say it all started the first day of sixth grade (which makes me pathetic, because I am now a senior in high school). There were two or three elementary schools that fed into our middle school, so we didn't all know each other. Beyond that, we were split into teams, and it just so happened that all of my friends from my elementary school were put on the other team. Not even exaggerating a little bit. Anyway, first period of that first day, I had Social Studies. I walked into that class completely miserable about no friends being on my team and my locker being far away and ugh... preteen angst. However, I soon found hope in the seating chart. A certain adorable blonde boy was assigned to the seat in front of me, and ever since, I have not been able to get him out of my mind. As the first few weeks progressed, this boy, who we'll call Matt, became more and more appealing to me. Because of our proximity we formed a group for every class activity, and we were fast friends. Fast best friends. We liked the same music, the same television shows (the Office, mainly), and had very similar senses of humor. Within two months, we were "dating." But we were not like other relationships in middle school. I watched my friends date the most random guys, awkward ones who'd "ask them out" on their way out of school in the hallway and then run away. They'd never talk to each other but sit by each other at assemblies or chase each other around at high school football games. Yes, everyone was still that immature. Not Matt and I. We were inseparable. When we weren't together, we were chatting it up on AIM (hahaha) or talking on the phone. However, we never kissed, or even held hands. Both of us were very shy. We stood by and watched our classmates grow out of the aforementioned awkward phase and into a newly awkward one in which dating consisted of constant kissing and exchanging "I love yous" within a few days. We did not change. Although, we did tell each other we loved each other. Because I think we did. I loved him, at least. And I am sure he was sincere. As you'll come to realize, if I do the story justice, Matt loves very easily. Our version of dating was more like acknowledgement that we were the other's favorite person in the world, and it worked for us. :love: Until a big field trip near the end of 7th grade. I, unfortunately, let one of my friends convince me that our relationship was not how it should be. We had been "together" for over a year and had not kissed?! Blasphemous. That is not love, she told me. Maybe you should break up with him so you can be in a real relationship. To this day this kills me because I don't know why I would listen to her, when I was so happy, when I loved that boy so much... he was my best friend and the person I loved most in the world and I should not have let her convince me any different. I called him from our hotel room and explained that we should just be friends. Instantly afterward I regretted it. I felt so bad, first of all, that I chose to do that on our overnight field trip, while he was trying to have fun with the guys in their room. The next day, on the bus, he looked devastated. I will never be able to get the image of 7th grade Matt looking as if he was 1st grade Matt whose hamster had just died out of my head. This of course devastated me and I also had a terrible time, but persisted to make awful decisions. Matt asked me to take him back, and I, unfortunately again, said no. IDIOT. Understandably, after this whole ordeal, we drifted for a while. My "friend" that encouraged me so to break up with him, along with 4 other girls, decided they'd had crushes on Matt for a while. B-words. There was a period when he would just look at me sadly whenever we saw each other. Somehow, though, we got past it and became friends again. And then best friends again. 8th grade was the Golden Age of Matt and I. We went back to our best friend ways and I was happier than I had been since the break up fiasco. This time, though, we did cuddle and hold hands and spoon watching movies in his basement kind of thing. We also found two more best friends in his twin sister and the new kid in town, and the four of us were completely inseparable. We hung out every chance we got and slept over at their house (the twin sister made it okay with my parents). This time we were not officially dating, but it was clear we loved each other again. And it continued through freshman year... When I got stupid again. I should have just had some time when I flat out declared my love and told him I wanted to be with him and that he was perfect... I suppose though that you never know what you've got til it's gone. Anyway.. freshman year we were still best friends, but the spooning and sleepovers ceased with the stress of everything we had going on--which again may be my fault, with student council and being class president and playing three sports. I started to question what I wanted, and apparently decided that it wasn't Matt. I loved him, but I didn't want to date. I loved being single because it meant I could flirt with the older boys I had recently become friends with (who I realize now are all douchebags, c'est la vie I suppose). I took him for granted and soon came to pay for it. The first time he liked another girl it hurt. I supported it, but it hurt. It was sophomore year, at a point when I had disclosed to the friend previously referred to as "the new kid" that I didn't want to date Matt. He only went out with her a couple times, and for some reason I ignored how upset it made me. Then he got a girlfriend a couple months later. Misery. Miiiiseeeerrry. Again, though, I ignored it and supported him in this endeavor. However, I knew it'd be over in a couple months at most and it was, because I once again confided in the new kid about how I felt and he once again shared that information with Matt. At this point, I was not complaining. Soon though, Matt and I started to fall back into our old rhythm and I panicked. I again reminded myself that I wanted to be single, and distanced myself for a little bit. After he got the message (that I was a big b-word), we became just best friends. Unsatisfying but for some reason that was how I preferred things to be, seemingly. Then, disaster struck. One of my good friends asked him to the Sadie Hawkins-style dance we have every year. Bitch. I talked to Matt about her and he seemed as though he wasn't really into it, said he was just going as friends, and for some reason, again, that was good enough for me. Two weeks later, two weeks before the dance, I came to regret my complacency once again. My friend came up to me before school and said, "Hey girl, can I talk to you about something?" And I was just like ohhhh shit. Mind you, this was one of my closest girl friends at the time, and now one of my best friends. She then asks me, "So, I just wanted to make sure of something. Do you have any feelings for Matt anymore?" And I, like an idiot, remember this as clear as day... I said "Absolutely not! Go for it!" And she smiled and laughed and said, "Oh good, because I think I am going to pursue that. And wanted to make sure that would be something you'd be okay with." "Absolutely you should!" I said (Matt and I always said absolutely when being asked something because of the Office) and that was the end of my happiness, basically. She and Matt started dating after Sadie Hawkins, and I could not be more unhappy about it. I literally fell into a sort of depression that I have not been able to get out of since. It would be one thing if she allowed him to at least hang out with me, because we had been best friends before they were even together. When I reason with myself, though, if the roles were reversed, I could see where that would not be her ideal situation. And I deserve this, for taking him for granted... I am now the awkward ex basically, not even able to talk to him if it's not by the chance we are together at school. He once apologized out of the blue for not being able to be my best friend anymore, because he knew I needed him. On top of him being the best guy I know, we have so much in common it is literally painful for me to be with them, though it happens very frequently. She does this thing where if I mention something she knows Matt likes, she looks at him disdainfully. She thinks I don't notice, but I do. I have a group of about 11 best girl friends and we all insist on doing everything together, and she and Matt are always there because she is one of them. Ironically, I tell her everything other than the way I really feel about Matt. I still love him. We have not had a conversation deeper in meaning beyond discussion of the Office or Guster and DMB in almost two years, but I still love him. Actually, that's not true. He consulted me for her birthday present-a longboard which I drew the artwork for-and while working on it, we talked about everything that happened. He laughed at the thought of him and I being so in love, and joked that I have not had a boyfriend since he started dating her. "Still in love with me? Haha!" Little does he know... That being said, there is something I see in his eyes everytime he looks at me, that I might be imagining, that murmurs apology... though he has nothing to be sorry for. I am glad he is so happy, and I know he'll be happier with her than he could be with me. Though at times she is obnoxious and self-centered and shallow and OBNOXIOUS, he deserves someone who will stand by his side at all times and not sway to flirt with older douchebags. Plus, her boobs are way bigger than mine. Just saying. Anyway, if you made it through all of that, or skimmed, or anything, I need your help. All that shit I just word vomited is what's been dwelling in my mind for all of this time, and I don't know how to get over it. But I really, really, really, want to. I need to. If you have any advice on it, please please please let me know your words of wisdom. Mostly, I want to soften the blow the memories pay to my mind everytime I recall them... one in particular. Every day, Matt and I would walk back from Spanish to my locker before going to lunch. That was our main school bonding time that year. One day, post-Sadie Hawkins, literally we walked up the stairs and she was standing further down the hallway smiling at us. Holding her books, like she was so innocent and so good, like she was not fully aware of the depth of my feelings for the kid and how much it hurt me to see him with her. And as we were talking, Matt saw her and turned back to me, that questioning look of excitement in his eyes, "You're really asking me?" I laughed. "Go!" and he walked away, and no bullshit here, did not look back. How poetic, I know. I need to get past this. And also, I would like to say that I don't hate her. Writing this right now while I'm tired and cranky and thinking myself into depression has probably made me blow out of proportion the amount of disdain I have for her. But again, I would appreciate words of advice. Even reminding me how crazy/psycho/pathetic this whole thing is might be helpful. Thanks in advance, and I would definitely answer any questions that you might need for clarification. Sorry for the length. I will stop now.. :2thumbsup:
My eyes hurt. You have two choices, you can tell him how you really feel and i'm pretty sure he feels the same way about you -or- you can move on. The only way you can move on from a person, and stop having feelings from them is to take a break from them by stop hanging out, talking/socializing with each other for a while until you get your priorities straighten out.
Man I wasn't going to read it all but I did. Well done with that by the way It's a pain that amazing friendships between a girl and a boy like that get ruined by feelings and whatnot. It sounds like you had a really nice thing there but you spent a whole year without even a kiss? Even if you were young and shy maybe you were better off being friends. Anyway 2 years down the track he's been seeing this other girl? I think it's best for you to move on, I mean you've had this guy on your mind all the time! You'd be surprised how many good guys there are out there and how they could turn your world around in a couple weeks. Go out there and find a guy to talk to the next time you're at school
Your haven't been honest with yourself. It's time you figure out what you want and then do something about it. You are the only one responsible for your feelings/happiness, it's your life. What exactly is missing? Do you miss the close relationship/friendship you two used to share, the idea of it? You can have that with someone else as well. Are you attracted to him sexually? If your answer isn't a loud yes, than he's just best-friend material. In that case get over yourself and move on. Do you miss Matt? The good, the bad, the whole deal? Do you honestly think that you could have a real, happy long-term relationship? Be honest! Figure out what went wrong before and why. What would you do now in the same situations? If you figure out that he is really the one for you, you should tell him how you feel and apologize for previous mistakes. Explain that you don't want to influence his current relationship but that you can't move on until you've been honest with him and know that he doesn't feel the same for you. Don't except his answer at that occasion but give him a week to answer. Whatever the answer, you have to accept it. No tears, no drama. If his current relationship is strong your conversation will change nothing. He'll stay with your friend, accept it and move on. If Matt's really your friend he'll keep that conversation private (you have to ask for it) and you won't have problems with your other friends. If he wants to get together with you or is undecided than his current relationship obviously isn't worth that much to him and would sooner or later end anyway. In that case you give him as much time as he needs and wait.
