I was in a band - a bluegrass/old time trio - with two fellows that I considered to be my family/brothers. We weren't a big a deal - just played locally and sporadically - but we were trying to do something with it (the band). So late this summer my mother went into complete cardiac arrest, but miraculously survived and I basically was living at the hospital through her subsequent surgery and recovery. All in all I was MIA for about 2 1/2 months. I had to be there for her - I wanted to help her through it and I felt obligated to focus all of my energy on helping her recover. It seemed like the right thing to do - and no one else in my actual family was going to step up to the plate. It's my mother for crying out loud. My "brothers" seemed to be very understanding and at least verbally supportive. I don't know how many times I heard "family comes first" from them. My mother's back in her own home - mostly recovered - things have finally calmed down enough that I can start resuming my own life again. So, I get this call from one of my bass player last week - and he tells me that basically he and my mandolin player were jamming with this other group of local musicians, which I knew about, and they've gone ahead and booked a few gigs under a new name, which I did not know about - until very recently. So, without so much as a discussion about it - the band that I was in has been dismantled. So basically, I'm feeling kind of pissed off and betrayed. I play banjo and I don't suck - in fact, I'm not bad at all. The bass player always comes to me when he can't figure out a bass line - if anything, he is the weakest musician in our trio. I've been incredibly supportive of him and helped him, encouraged him and assured him that we would never try to replace him, though both the mandolin player and were both by approached by more advanced bass players that wanted to take his place. I would never have done this to either one of these fellows and they know it, yet . . . I mean am I just being too sensitive or is this fucked up? I thought these guys were faithful friends?
Being too sensitive and step up to the plate, show your worth - play with the new band or get the old band back together. Many musicians have side projects, include yourself in this direction.
It sounds like they did you a favor nd gave you the sign it's time to find a more loyal band of players to work with if you're wanting to be even semi-serious about it. And yea', I dont really know the ultimate right or wrong of it but I'd be fucking mad too. (That is of course if this isn't just a side project for them and your old group is done for good)
I think it is a little of both. You did the right thing by your mom. You only have one of those, you can get more friends and join other bands.
I would not be mad at your old band members , you can find some new guys, and create a new band . desert rat
So, for future reference (I'm just trying to reconcile the morality of this situation) and with regard to any future endeavors, if I embark on a new band "project" - it's perfectly acceptable to basically give the old heave-ho to anyone who has a family emergency or tragedy, and leave 'em behind in the dust, because that's basically how I'm perceiving this.
Family is important because though everything; especially Mothers, they will be there for you. Bands evolve, develop and musically go into different directions at the turn of a tune Time to be creative on your own for a while to attain your own sound - and then hopefully * sparkle *
You would think so, but by your post I can tell that they might be the kind of people who would do that, but you aren't. You are what is known as a true friend.
If you are doing this for fun , and maby a few extra bucks thats one thing . If this is your main work and these guys are cheating you out of your income that is another . If you formed a band , and each member signed a contract for a certain peord of time , and then broke that contract , I think I could understand that making you mad . desert rat
Family always comes first. I would give anything if I could see my mother again. They should've given you a little heads up. If it were me I would find another band. Just my input, hope it helps.
Well, this "band" and the circle of friends that surrounds it is essentially my social life, so the significance of it on my life I guess I've understated. It's taken up a great deal of my energy and time - there's work, family, band. I've had to compartmentalize my life - so now a significant portion of it "the band" is over (it was a nice subsidy to my income as well, but I was never in it just to make money). I'm a bit sick over it, because the other compartments of my life have suffered as a result of "the band" and for someone else to make that decision, yank the rug out from under me, especially under these circumstances. In short, I haven't had time to develop other relationships, so I'm starting from scratch and that sucks, because I'm not good at meeting people, and most the people I do meet - I don't particularly care for. This experience has left a pretty bad taste in my mouth. I think I'm done with "collaboration". Time to put away childish things, I guess. I love music, I love playing the banjo - but I've been in a number of "bands" and it's proven to be nothing but an exercise in frustration and heartache. So, fuck it - I'm withdrawing back into the old cave and indulging myself and my own pursuits - it's how I learned to play to begin with.
Family comes first, always, band mate's not so much. If they couldn't see it that way to bad for them. Get some new guys and start all over again.... You said the bass player wasn't that good to begin with, so a better group of guys will come along.
The value you felt wasn't entirely reciprocated... been there and done that- not a musician but I tend to have few friends so I've had to confront the disparity from time to time and deal with my own sense of heartbreak. My take from my own experience is that all too often I read too much into other peoples intentions and invest excessive emotional energy into something that doesn't warrant it. For me the key to coming to peace with things is to recognize that it wasn't as close a friendship as I had envisioned- NOT that it wasn't a friendship. Any sense of heartbreak is my own problem. I had never really connected with many people on a creative level though so I can't speak with much authority on what you're dealing with and what I'm contributing may well be off base but that's my take on it. In my younger days I'd grossly overreact to the disappointment of discovering that a supposed good friend wasn't nearly as close as I had imagined but time has taught me how I can get deluded and while I still will read far too much into an occasional friendship I am less inclined to melt down when things turn out to be different than I think. Any pain I've felt has been pain I've brought on myself and yes- I'm liable to repeat the mistake. Keep the friends but let the friendships be at an appropriate distance. You never know- the old chemistry may be rekindled one day but moving on with some dignity seems to best course.
you got it 100% correct! "nothing personal, it's just business." we have all heard that shitty excuse for fucking us over at one time or another in our lifetimes. "family comes first." that one hell of a big boldface lie; at lest here in the u.s.a. here in the u.s.a. we rant and rave about "family values" but, compared to other first world nations, we really don't give much of a shit about the value of familes.:sad: your 'brothers' can go eat shit and die! they proved that "talk is cheap" from their mouths. they played you into the role of caretaker, while they dropped the ball big time in helping with the family. mate, a real family helps to pull each other up whenever one member of the family falls down. your mom fell down due to no fault of her own. you helped with pulling her back up. your "brothers" did not do jack shit to help pull her up... YOU DID! now, i bet your "brothers" are not doing jack shit to help pull you up after you fell down. i hate to tell you this, you don't have much a family where your "brothers" are concerned.
music should be about a love of music, not about petty emotions. You aren't wrong in feeling betrayed, but you can also move past it and keep on playing. Call up your buddies and ask them if they want to continue playing. Play with them for the love of it. If they say no, chalk it up as pretty shitty and find other people to play with.
