I could have been great, maybe even incredable.

...they mistake me for you, of course!

 

Nice to see all that money I spent for the PR firm isn't going to waste then.

 

I also struggle with losing my potential to be a great Mathematician. I was a near math prodigy as a child and was praised for my mathematical ability since I was very young. I majored in Mathematics in college and professors immediately grabbed me up to do research. I was told that I had potential to be a well-respected Mathematics research professor.

Unfortunately, I developed Schizoaffective Bipolar Disorder almost out of thin air during my Junior Year in college. It completely ruined my mathematical prowess. I graduated still, and even attempted graduate school, but I had to recently leave simply because my mind cannot understand the material. And it bugs me so much since I know that without the illness I would have done great.

 

My first thought on reading your post is that when the universe slams a door in your face so dramatically, it tends to mean there's another door open for you in a direction that will be a lot more interesting and meaningful in the long run.

I'm wondering...so what do you do now instead of math? What do you like to do most at this point in time?

 

Thankfully, the University has allowed to to continue to teach Calculus and get paid until the end of December. I will then move back with my parents, which contrary to most young men's opinions, i am not overly upset about.

All in all, despite not achieving my dream, I have not sunk into the abyss of suicidal ideation to which I was attracted to in the past. I have "won" my inner battle so to speak. I have a slew of ideas on where to go from here, but I will move slowly and cautiously. My parents love and support me. I also get a very small Disability supplemental income which will allow me ample time to find a new path in life.

Luckily, my best friend, more of a brother since I have no biological siblings, is returning to live with his mother near my parents' residence. We plan on finding something to make of ourselves as a team and will work together.

 

If being able to teach calculus is low-level functioning for you, your high-level functioning must have been something to behold, all righty. I got through two years of calculus for my biochem degree, but it was no walk in the park - I had to work at it. Of course, I suspect I may have had some borderline brain chemical issues myself...my mind seems like it was so muddy then, as I look back on it...my adulthood seems to have slowly cleared a lot of the fog.

BTW I'm distantly related to a guy who was a fairly well known mathematician, by the name of Oswald Veblen. It doesn't mean much to me, of course - I've read a bit about his work, and it's mostly gobbledygook to me.

Also btw I have a stepdaughter who spent a year in the state hospital for bipolar disorder, and is now doing great and starting to have a positive impact in her life. And I have a teenaged daughter with promodal schizophrenia who is struggling still, but slowly making positive strides.

Anyway it sounds like you have a healthy outlook at this point, which is excellent. I have a feeling you and your friend might find yourselves an interesting path to travel. Best of luck.

 

I could have been a world-class bagpiper.
Serious.

 

Wait, don't tell me...black lung, right?

 

I play the didgeridoo now, and I am quite good, for someone who had only been playing for like a year on a $25 didge. But I want to get into a few more instruments. I was thinking maybe get a djembe, they are fairly cheap, I can get one for around $80.

But I so wish I could learn cello.

But I was thinking, when the door must go open the door will go open...

 

When I was younger had dreams of being this and that, a certain amount of talent in some areas that could have been honed and lead to a perhaps brilliant career.

But then I worked out that there was one instrument that was more fun to play with than anything else. An instrument that needs to be constantly and furiously played with every day by both myself and others

 

I'm a pretty incredible fucker too.

 

music when it is in your soul never dies, you talk about your grandmother putting pressure on you, you are 18 hunny and putting allot of pressure on yourself, if you do get the funds together and get a teacher does that mean you have to grow up to play in a professional orchestra? can't you just enjoy playing, find the love of it again, and i bet if you do that you will be more than good enough to play professionaly if you chose to, but you can't live in other peoples shadow you are your own person, follow your own path and what you truly want out of life, not what is expected of you. be who you are and love what you do.