anyone here cheated death?

lets see, more than i can count on one hand. i almost got beat to death by a gang, twice. and then the other fight, and then the other, I dont steal peoples boyfriends!!

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One time the front wheel came completely off of my old truck on the highway in the far left lane at 85mph. that was close.

Another time the steering coupler came detached on my old golf, also on the highway and in the left lane, I was doing about 75 moh that time. The car went into the wall in the median and the fron drivers side wheel looked like a taco.

 

You only have three fingers? You said more than you can count on one hand but, you only listed four?
Anyways right now a local gang is pissed off at me cus' I accidently dissed them when I didn't know that the secret shake I was making fun of was a gang member handshake. It kinda sucks cus' i only have like 3 friends that aren't too pussy to help if I need it, and gangs have lots of members.

 

No, but I cheated the IRS, and most people are more afraid of them then death.

 

well i never cheated death but i have come close to dying. I was 3 years old and we had a very dark brown coffe table and my older sis (6) had camera film on the table and left it there to go play outside. I had put the film in my mouth and started choking. my mom was asleep in the other room. My older sister had come back into the house and saw me laying there and went and woke my mom up. My mom half asleep and nude called the police and started to pat my back. by the time the police got there i had coughed up some of the film but i had to get my stomach pumped for the rest.

I have overdosed on drugs several times ( i didnt know my limit i was a stupid kid)

when i was about 11 I got hit by a car going like 60 in a 25 while i was riding my bike got thrown about 100 yards or so.

at age 5 my entire cranium was bitten by a rottweiler.

at age 8 my father was so fucked up on acid he thought i was a monster and threw the back of a hmmer at me and it stuck me in my lower back I could have been paralyzed for life.

alchol poisoning.

I was suicidal and about 4 times I was almost succesful.


I was beaten to an inch of my life at age 6 by my stepfather....

 

I already made a similar joke. You lose.

 

Yeah but mine was far superior to yours, so I win. You can have honorable mention if it makes you feel any better.

 

NO BUT I have cheated the IRS j/k
the answer for me is no...i havent cheated it and even if i had had a near death experience, i am of the opinion that i didn't cheat it, cause it just wasnt my time to go. so cheat it, i dont believe in that.

 

Er, no, mine was actually funnier than that incoherent shit.

 

Okay...how many brushes with Death I had, aside the ones at the nightclub. Death has a nice ass, let me tell you.

Anyway... first time... I was born two months early. And my heart wasn't beating. So I was effectively born dead, and they resuscitated me. So I'm a zombie. Or like Jesus, or something.
Many other times, including various diseases, getting hit by a bus, nearly sitting on a cottonmouth snake, having a black widow crawl onto my hand, a brown recluse on my foot, a portion of an old house fall right above me and nearly make my head particularly flat...nearly broke my neck at a wipeout on my bike when I was five, um...other stuff... But currently, I'm suffering from an incurable disease of the kidneys.

...Why am I still alive?


Even moreso, why the fuck am I posting such personal information here?

 

And then there was that time where we were like...dude, no, I'll just tell the story like a play. Because it'll be better that way. And instead of you being you and me being me, our names will be Steven and Ed. And instead of taking place where it takes place, it'll take place in Peru. And instead of...wait, what story was I going to tell? Ah, fuck it, you're right. You should be dead.

 

i was at a friends cottage for his birthday, along with a lot of beer and pot. well, another friend, whos on the university swim team, decides to swim accross the lake. 4 of us decide to follow. well, the water was pretty choppy, and didnt feel too good when it got into the lungs. i managed to make it all the way across, but at about the half way point i realized what a stupid idea it was, and didnt think id be able to.

 

Well if you had trouble understanding simple sentences about moving a chess piece while death was in the shitter then that's your own problem.

 

And if you can't piece together a funnier joke than, "omg lol deth wnet 2 da bafrum n i totali moovd mi peese wen he wuz up it wuz grate lol," then that's your problem.

 

Ahh, well I see that your spelling has improved! Now let's just work on that reading comprehension and maybe you'll
understand the joke.