I had a post before, actually numerous ones but I just want to get others input on my situation. I know only I can determine my sexuality but I want your opinions. I have had OCD since I was 12, diagnoses and all. However my OCD and thoughts always revolved around my sexuality. I always panicked and thought I was a lesbian. I would freak out because I did not want to be a lesbian because of how it is not the "norm". I feared of feeling out of place. These thoughts would occupy my mind for so long... However I can remember since I was little I had crushes on female teachers. I had a crush on my kindergarten teacher and I remember I did. I looked at playboy magazines to see the woman. I would watch lesbian movies and I was turned on by kissing scenes and boobs. I freaked out about the feelings I was getting and I tried to force my feelings aside. I told myself that its normal for me to do this it doesnt mean Im a lesbian, however I found that I was easily/naturally attracted to woman. I could easily say when one was beautiful and I would obsess about them. I watched the movie "Imagine me and you" soooo many times to see Lena Headey and Piper Perabo kiss. It turned me on, I liked it. I was sooo scared though how I was feeling. I had a high school female gym teacher who I liked a lot. I told myself that I liked her as a role model...however I feel like it was a lie. I went out of my way to talk to her, I loved talking to her, she sort of gave me butterflies, but I realized I shouldnt feel this way and some days I tried to avoid her because it was not right to feel how Im feeling. I rarely had a crush on a guy. I think 4th grade I liked a boy and that was the last real time I did. I went out with my best guy friend but it didnt feel right and after 1 day I called it off. I went out with another for 4 weeks, I wasnt physically attracted to him so I called it off. I just feel like I tried to force myself to like men, I would stare at guy pics and see if I thought they were cute. I was scared of the thought of sex cause it hurts the first time, so I said oh I can become a lesbian and I was ok with that but then I thought about it and I was like omg I shouldn't feel this way. All throughout high school, I had these thoughts back and forth battling with myself if I was a lesbian or not but I was so scared to admit to myself because the fear of what others thought and I said to myself I didnt want to be one. I have 4 lesbian friends and I feel like they influenced me to come out. In august I sat at the table with my mom and I said I think Im bisexual or a lesbian. She said it was fine and she always had a feeling I was. I cried but I felt happier, not a weight off my shoulders but I accepted that I cant help how I feel and Im proud that I came out. I felt like I didnt have to lie anymore to myself and to others. In high school I dressed a certain way and said I thought boys were cute to fit in...in reality I had no attraction really... When I came out I dressed more boyish, got the tattoo I wanted, and pierced my ears cause I didnt care anymore. I was proud of who I am. I met a woman named Cassie, and I love her dearly...I never felt the way I do for any guy like I do with her. I want to kiss her, I want to make love to her. Im a virgin but with her it all feels right. My problem is my OCD kicks in and I'm getting thoughts that I am straight because straight porn and sometimes a penis turns me on...I like lesbian porn but the funny thing is...I don't want to be straight, I don't want to be with a man, I want to be with a woman! I just find it goofy how when I was younger I was so scared of being a lesbian and now I come out and I'm proud but get these straight thoughts I spazz out that I am straight. I don't want to be with a guy... Now that Im spazzing out about being straight its pushing my feelings for my girlfriend aside and I hate it soo much because I know I love her so much and would do anything for her. She lives far away from me and I cry when I get off the phone with her because I miss her, and I dont want to lose her. I get thoughts I dont love her but I know I do cause last week I was happy as a clam...I stopped my meds for my OCD which was dumb of me but Im taking them again and they should kick in soon. What do you all think? Please be honest, do you think Im a lesbian? Is it normal to get turned on by straight porn and all but still be a lesbian? I just want input please...Do you think my OCD is playing tricks with me?
It's actually pretty normal to get turned on by straight porn if your gay or gay porn if your straight. It's not real so you don't have to actually experience it. It's just a fantasy. I'm not going to lie, I've watched black guy gang rape porn and I was turned on. It's not something I'd want to happen to me in real life but it still turned me on. And I think you're a lesbian. Everytime you worry about being straight just think of how uncomfortable you were when you dated/married a man. If your not attracted to men in anyway, but your attracted to women in everyway, then I'd say you are definitely a lesbian.
