You get these ALL the time, but what orientation am I? PLEASE help.

Listen, this post is going to be extremely long. So if anyone is willing to read this, please do. This isn't a "Hey i kissed a girl am i a lesbian!" question. It's a pretty complicated one. Thank you SO much to anyone that reads/answers this.

I will start off by saying I am a "still in the closet" 20 year old female. Still in the closet for many reasons. For starters, my family is very religious and is under the impression that every gay will burn in hell (Such a loving view of Christianity to give to me eh?) Anyway, because of this, I dont know how long I will remain in the close, or if I will ever publicly come out. I have told a good amount of people that I truly trust, both OPEN MINDED family members, and close friends. Surprising, none of them have had a bad reaction to it, and have fully supported me (other than the guys who think its their life goal to "turn" a lesbian)

Here comes the question of why I am not sure of what orientation I am.
Ever since i was young, I've always favored boy things such as toys, clothes, personality, looks. I just always wanted to be a boy so growing up, I was a tom boy. Being a tom boy is not uncommon. But I used to even try peeing standing up to act like a boy ha. Anyway, all things aside, I realize some things like clothes/boy toys can be simply cultural standards so it doesnt automatically mean I have gay tendencies. I was just throwing it out there that I've always picked things that boys would normally pick while my classmates who were girls picked the opposite of me.

From as long as I can remember, I crushed on girls. I genuinely liked their personality, and looks from like 5 to now. I pictured being with them (but usually myself as the boy).
I had TONS of crushes on guys actors growing up though. Tons. Didn't have much crushes on female celebrities. However, it seems like i only " liked" them for their physical features. And i dont consider that like, i consider it more lust.

In real life, i've only had non serious boyfriends. Like in 6th and stuff. Even then, I was just bored. No guy has ever had a personality that told me "Hey I want to be with him" Ever. I can be physically attracted to guys, but it never goes more than that. So in high school, I ditched my tom boyishness, and began to wear make up, act girly, the whole 9 yards. This in turn, attracted much boy attention. And of course, I was "flattered" but even with these guys flocking, i just never had an urge to date any of them. Sure, i liked that they found me attractive, but its a normal trait for anyone to be flattered when someone finds them cute.

All through high school, i had TONS of guy friends. Close and non-close. Never had any emotional feelings for them. Never had any fantasies about them. I even tried with many of them, because i felt "weird" knowing i may be gay.

So in 10th grade, I got a new best friend. From 10th grade on up, we were inseparable. She was as straight as could be (or so it seemed) and i began to REALLY really like her. Physically, emotionally, and then started to think of her sexually. After 2 years of being sure I was completely obsessed with this girl, I told my other best friend whom was a guy and had feelings for me. Of course, he was bummed that I was into girls. But I guess he had a feeling that my crush may have mutual feelings so he ended up telling her. I was pissed at first but to my unbelievable surprise, she had the same feelings. She said she was completely in love with me, but never had feelings for girls before me. To this day, she still says I am the only girl she has ever felt for, but that she would choose me over any guy.
Long story short, we dated. It was amazing. I loved everything we did. I felt sparks in our kisses. in our touches, everything. She did too, but she could not stand the thought of being in the spotlight of being gay and being targeted so she left me and moved in with a male.

After all this time, she still tells me she loves me more than anyone, and i actually believe her, which is hard for me since I dont trust anyone.

After our break up, i was heart broken. But I tried to go the straight route again... I tried to like any guy i could get close to, but it didnt work. I eventually had my first guy kisses. They did not GROSS me out or anything. But i never felt sparks, and i always felt bored kissing them.
The only time i could enjoy kissing a guy was when i was drunk, and when youre drunk, you enjoy like anything.

So years later, I was there alone once again. Hadn't found a girl, and hadnt found a guy i could tell myself i truly liked.
I had never done sexual things with a guy, only make outs.
After high school, my current best guy friend (not the best guy friend from high school) had feelings for me and had for years. However, i never liked him that way. He knew i liked girls. But i knew if i would have feelings for ANY guy, it would be him. So we agreed to try sex to see if there was ANY spark since i had never slept with a guy, and of course, there was no spark felt from me for him. Not one. Once again, i wasn't grossed out, but i felt no emotional connection or anything. In fact, i ended it up 10 minutes into it.

Some time later, I met a friend through a high school friend. She had a girlfriend and was gay (she had previously had boyfriends but never had an attraction to them. Just dated them to feel normal). Her and her gf broke up because this girl admitted to me that she had feelings for me for some time. We have been happily together for a year and a half. No one has ever made me feel this way. I love her emotionally, physically and sexually. She pleases me in any way you could imagine. I love spending time with her, making her laugh, being downright weird with her, cuddling, and our sex is downright incredible.

So up to this point, it would sound like i am flat out gay right. Well the confusion part comes into: porn. When i watch porn, its like i am opposite. Lesbian porn does nothing for me. Only porn where i can see a PENIS does it for me. I know some lesbians say " I love penis, but i dont like the guy its attached to" but im not sure thats the case for me. It's like i can get turned on by seeing a penis in porn, but yet I NEVER picture myself as the girl in porn. I always picture myself pleasing the girl as if i'd have a penis. But i cant get turned on by porn without seeing a penis. I really think it's because i wish i had one to be able to be INSIDE a girl, because the thought of penetrating a female turns me on to no end as well as getting a blowjob. I have no desire in real life to have sex with a guy. Any naked guy in my head in real life is only me picturing myself as a guy doing my girlfriend.

I've found most of what turns me on in porn is opposite of real life. For example, it sounds gross, but in porn i like fake rape porn/incest/gangbang porn but in real life I find that disgusting, offensive, and vulgar.

When my girlfriend and I have sex, I love it. When she fingers me, I do not picture it as a penis. We haven't used a strap on yet but we have one. We much rather clit-to-clit stimulation. However, penetration would be fun as well. If I ever do picture a guy when we have sex, it is always me as the guy, thinking of being inside her. Never of a guy doing me.

So does the penis turn me on in porn because I wish i had one at times to be inside girls?
Because other than thinking guys are hot, i have no emotional attraction or desire to date them.
It seems like the most i could do is lust after a guy. I know people say "Well if you lust after both sexes youre bi" but i think theres much more to it...
I never want a guy emotionally, and i think the only reason I could think sexually of a guy is not because i want him doing me, but because i am envious of being in his place and possessing a penis.

Do you think the thought of a penis in porn could arose me because I desire to be able to be in his place and have a girl do things to it?
Also, why do things in porn turn me on that wouldn't ever in real life?

What sexual orientation do you think I am?
PLEASE HELP

 

I can't tell you who you are. However, I think you should visit these resources:

http://www.lauras-playground.com/

http://www.ftmguide.org/

The first site is very friendly, and may be more helpful than I can be. It's a great place for people who are confused about their gender and sexual identity.

 

I think there is far too much emphasis put on 'labels'. Straight, bi, gay are so straight down the line. Why do we have to be one or the other to conform? I can relate to some of the things you feel. I don't think your strange. I do think that you are over analysing yourself. Sexuality is so fucking confusing at the best of times, then add to the mix what does/doesn't turn us on. Meh.....
I am pretty exhausted reading all of that so can only imagine what goes on inside your brain. Just don't put so much pressure on yourself. You'll figure it out eventually

 

I agree with the above two posters, though it is quite clear to me that you harbour some transgender feelings. How far those feelings go though, is something that only you can know, or answer.

Being a tomboy certainly doesn't automatically equate to transgender feelings though, and nor does it necessarily mean that you want to be a man. From what you've said though, your expressions of masculinity go far beyond what a regular tomboy would exhibit. I was a bit of a tomboy growing up, but never once did I actually think I was male, or that I wanted to be male, due to that. The complete opposite in fact, I was very certain of my female gender. I just saw myself as enjoying certain acitivties (video games, playing with cars, watching boxing) that are stereotyped as being "for guys". I'm also heterosexual, so being a tomboy in itself has no relation to feeling like you want to be a guy, or having a sexual preference towards girls.

 

I can relate with most of the things you said. All those things you feel are totally normal. I absolutely agree with 'girl on wings'. I've also been there and I tell you that more you think about it the more confusing it gets. So just do what you feel comfortable doing, or being with. You don't have to rationalize everything.

 

If I pick a fruit, and I eat it, and I like the taste ... then what does it matter what label people want to attach to it?

Don't worry about labels; and don't try to define yourself by reference to them.

Work out who and what you are, and what it is that you like and want (you appear to have done a pretty god job of that, if I may say so). If you find it fits the definition that comes with a label, then fine, use that label if you wish (although I prefer nto to myself).

But if you find there isn't a label that fits, but that there is one that nearly fits, then whatever you do don't go torturing yourself to try to fit yourself to the label. You are who you are. You're a lovely person. You have intrinsic worth all of your own. That, for me, is enough.

:daisy:

 

I can relate to a lot of what you describe. No clear-cut boundaries anywhere.

I have come to the conclusion that I am sexually bisexual, despite not finding men physically attractive, and emotionally mostly-lesbian, as I can only really imagine being in a long-term relationship with a woman.

It is confusing, and a lot of the time I class myself as a failed-lesbian. But really, labels don't matter. Just go with what you want.