My Husband told me he has had sex with men

Hello, Im new to this, I have never posted before, never asked for advice but I cannot go to anybody I know. Maybe someone can help me???

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, we have had our shares of ups and downs..What relationship hasnt right? Well yesterday we were talking and he told me that he is very insecure with himself and is confused by some things he has done in his past. He was very upset and crying when he finally told me that he has had sex with men.

The first encounter was when he was 16 and the last was 22. He says a total of 5 men he has been with. He claims that he is not gay, that he loves me and dosnt want to lose me but he had to tell me his "dark secret"

He says that he is not attracted to the man just the penis and sexual act of anal sex, blow jobs and handjobs. He says there was no emotion behind it.... Is this possible???????

 

As long he hasn't been doing this while ya'll was still together...I don't think you should be worried...He was just curious at that time.

 

if he visit Craigs list, he not looking for coffee tables..

 

he's right...he's not gay


he's bi

 

That is the missing piece of key info. Did he do it when you were married? I'm not homophobic by any stretch of the imagination. If he was doing this shit behind your back with a woman I would still say that it is fucked. It would cause me to have many trust issues. That's just me though.

Stay Brown,
Rev J

 

I agree with reverand jc about the trust issue. If he did his stuff before, I don't think there is any problem. He could have sex with a goat if he want, it doesn't mean he is unfaithful or that he might go back to those type of experiences. It's just experiences. It is possible having homosexual intercourse without any emotion? Hell yeah! A LOT of homosexual have a LOT of sex without emotion. Like heterosexual. Does that mean he is gay and he will want to do it again? Well not really. I might like it and like to do it again, but maybe this time is over too. Maybe he was just curious, wanted to try, did it a couple times and that it. Everything is possible. The better thing would be to see with him if something happens since you are together AND what he want to do NOW. If he want to do it again with men. If it's not the case, don't worry and have fun with him.

 

Thanks everyone,
We talked about it and he says he would do it again IF I let him do it. He says that he didn't mind the sex or oral and he is not emotionally involved with them, it's just sex and he says it's something to spice up sex. Now do I let him do it? I am slightly curious about the whole process but I'm not sure if he is Gay or just wants the anal sex from them?? He says he likes the way dicks look. Should I let him do it or will it ruin our marriage? He swears he has never done ANYTHING while we have been together except watch porn and all the porn has women involved. I'm confused!!!!

 

Would you let him have sex with a woman? Would he let you have sex with anyonme esle? If you have an open marriage then you need to set so ground rules and both of you follow them. If you don't have an open marriage then you are allowing him to cheat on you.

 

If it's just anal he's after, why not buy a strap-on and fuck him in the ass yourself?

 

Why don't you guys just have a male-male-female threesome or buy a strap on?

 

I agree with these guys...As long as he's not doing it now...Then you are fine...

The past is the past...If we all based our lives now off of our past...Well, then I'm sure we'd all be guilty of some guilty pleasures...

 

You havent actually asked a question.



And you seem mostly concerned about the emotional aspect

What is it exactly you need advice on, if anything?



Others have said the most important aspect is if he's been with a guy since you've been married, is this really true? So it would have been ok whilst you were engaged, or the night before the wedding? No not ok? More not ok, less not ok? Or before you were even engaged and just dating, it would have been more ok back then? Which is all bullshit its not like that jealous streak is dependant on whether you've both signed a bit of paper or not.

Or is it a case of you dont really care just as long as he doesnt get emotionally attached to a guy and leave you? Isnt part of the reason you married him was he was so sweet and attentive, back 11/12 years ago he wasnt bugging you for sex too much? You did know all along didnt you.


But by all means dump him for issues relating to sex, because you know, whether or not he's played with someones elses genitals is far more important than soulmates, growing old together, companionship or the financial advantages of co-habitation.

And while your at it, continue to believe everyone elses garbage. Your mum wouldnt have been in the same situation right?, that cant be possible, Mummy and Daddy loved each other very much. Most of your female friends cant be in the same situation right cos they'd tell you, just like you run around telling them. Gay guys are the only ones that fiddle with other guys, everyone knows this which is why we never have to hide, all the others are as straight as they say they are and dont get angry in our very presence which is why we have such an easy time mixing with the rest of them. And if you are a really good girl at the end of the year Santa will bring you lots of presents.

As shitty as all that is, thats not the part that really sucks. You didnt say what age you were, but married 10 years, I'm guessing you in your 30s. If you do split and everyone finds out why, you'll get a lot of consoling, mainly from the girls, oh you poor thing, you were betrayed, you're an angel, he's a self gratifying monster....but it'll all just be fake, thats not what they'll really think, what they really think they wont say out loud and it'll probably take you another decade or two to work out what that is

 

I wouldn't let him have sex with a women because I'm afraid he would get feelings for the other women. He says he could never have a relationship with a man so in my selfish way I'm happy about that. He says if I had sex with another man it would make him uneasy but I can have sex with a women. I'm not sure I want to have sex with anyone else because I'm comfortable with him only. We did discuss the option of toys to try out so maybe we can do that first and see what happens.

 

It sounds to me like he hasn't got over this thing for men, which is why he's telling you it's ok to have sex with other chicks. Of course you're not comfortable with anyone other than him-why should you be? You're married to him.

My wife knows this girl that has a bf that's supposedly 'bi'. He flirts with waiters when they go out to eat, and sits at home and paints his fucking nails while she goes to work and supports them. Even though he's her 'bf', he obviously hasn't got over his backdoor ways.

If this was just a 'phase' he went through, he wouldn't be telling you, 'hey, just go ahead and have sex with another chick'. That in turn legitimizes him doing whatever he wants to do with another guy.

 

Its not actually possible to have emotionless sex. Even if it is just about getting your rocks off, you are going to be happy about getting your rocks off, happy is an emotion, relief you are not as frustrated / angry for a while, all the positive reinforcement / association with who you get your rocks of with

Even if its a guy trotting off to a brothel, he's going to be happy he's going, happy he's getting some, excited as its something out of the usual, thrilled if its some theme room fantasy thing, guilt free as he doesnt worry about leading her on, a little ego boost if he performs well, reduction of stress cos he's doing it with a stranger he doesnt havent any baggage with

There's a whole range of emotions there.

And with guy on guy, one can be the most anti gay guy on the planet and still get a little ego boost if another guy gets excited or a crush on him even if he has no oinclination to go there. There is always at least that. The guy is question in this thread, says he likes getting anal from other guys; there is always at least that little ego boost that another guy is going to get a stiffy over him.

"A LOT of homosexual have a LOT of sex without emotion" - Thats just part of that holier than thou attitude. Its easier for me to accept if I believe its all dissociative with them, just self gratifying. That way I can pretend my love is more valid than theirs. Thats why we shouldnt let them marry, cos they are never going to know what love is until they do it my way

Of course cos when people do things that make them feel good they usually never want to do it again


The husband is just saying what he thinks she wants to hear, not what he really believes or even actually want she wants to hear. Probably more important to emphasize he's never going to fall for another guy and leave her rather than anything to do with sex

 

Thats also the opposite of what you think. He doesnt watch gay porn, that cos most gay porn sucks, and the main reason for that is that girls are the far far bigger market. Most gay porn is marketed (sneakily I'll admit) to girls. If the market was just gay guys the distributors would never make money.

Most male/male porn is the tranny version, which is targeted to bi/straight guys or girls that dont like seeing masculine guys get emasculated.

Whether its tranny or gay porn. Bi guys, girls, straight guys wanting getting their freak on once in a blue moon represents say 75% of the potential market, compared to 2% at best that are gay guys. Its simple maths in the end


Also this:

The opposite is likley more true, he wouldnt be threatened if you got with another girl. Its easy to assume he'll say that as a way to compensate for his inclinations, but that still wont explain why he wouldnt be threatened, when a lot of other husbands would be. It does sound like a good thing for you, suggests he doesnt take the emotional side of same sex stuff seriously

 

Here's the thing VG. You mention the fact that others have posted about whether he did it after the marriage or before. We both know you are being argumentative and splitting hairs for the sake of splitting hairs. The whole "After you're married" thing is meant to streamline the language of the conversation.

Also most of the time we talk about pre-marriage and post-marriage because at least financially divorce is more expensive than a break up.

Back to the original poster. It seems that you want to keep the marriage together no matter what. It also seems like you have a fear that if he does have sex outside of your particular coupling than he may leave you or become emotionally attached to this other person. But if you don't give him free reign than he may leave you so that he can get that itch scratched so to speak. Quite the conundrum.

I have no real advice but sometimes if someone spells out the situation in a different way you can find your own answer.

Stay Brown,
Rev J

 

have you ever been fucked in the ass with a plastic toy with force behind it?
Tell you what its not all thats its cracked up to be in the porn. Its also nothing like the real things no matter how much you want to tell yourself it is.. Therefore when he had the real thing, fakes are no replacement.

I wouldnt even bother with the toys anymore after having the real thing..
dont really care how much the wife grabs the shoulders and thrusts. A toy is just a substitute and not a very good one at that..

 

I don't consider myself homophobic. I haven't been with my husband as long as you've been with yours. I can only imagine how I'd react if he told me he'd been with another guy.

Honestly, my first thought is it would shock me. He'll lick me clean after intercourse, but he doesn't seem attracted to other men. An admission like you got would probably come as a blow. Looking at the timing though, it's been over 10 years since he last did it, right?

On the other hand, I'll enjoy other girls on occasion. My husband not only knows about it but enjoys watching, as does the other male at the time. I guess it's more socially acceptable for two girls to be intimate than two guys. If he started making out with the other guy in front of me, I don't know how I'd react. I haven't given it much thought although I'm sure we'd talk about it later just because it would be out of character, at least out of character for the way I know him now.

The important thing is how do you feel about it? Was the act forced on him? Does he still desire other men? Is he bisexual? Or is he homosexual and you've just been a cover-up for his secret life. I think the last option would be the most hurting.

In any event, I hope the two of you figure it out and move forward.

 

Yeeeeah...having sex with 5 men is kind of gay :-/
You are married to a gay man, he just won't admit it yet.
I am sorry :-/

:-/