I'm 26 and I am struggling with my sexuality...

Well, let me begin with a little about me.

I'm a 26 year old female who comes from a fairly decent family background. I have had 2 long term relationships with males and am currently in a relationship with a guy.

But ever since I can remember I have had feelings for girls, as young as grade school but back then I wasn't aware of what those feelings meant, I just knew they were not the norm. I always had feelings for a lot of my girlfriends that were more than just friendly feelings but I always tried to put them out of my mind or deny them.

I really started to realize something was "wrong" when I was in my 7 year relationship (first one, high school sweetheart). I knew I was attracted to women but I never told anyone. I could not be intimate with my boyfriend or reach orgasm unless I fantasied I was making love to a woman, this went on for years.

When we broke up I became better friends with a female coworker. I fell in love with her but could never express my feelings because she was believed to be straight. I had wondered if she could be a lesbian but we were never terribly close so I never brought it up. We grew apart a bit, I got into another long term relationship and I sort of lost touch with the girl, we shall call her Julia.

Over the last few years we mainly would talk through myspace and then one day she disappeared and since I had neglected to input her new number into my phone, I couldn't contact her. Just recently she messaged me on myspace with a new profile and she came out to me...I was an emotional wreck, have been for a few days since. At first I was overjoyed, it felt as if my dreams had come true and perhaps I could tell her how I have always felt.

But she has a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend, we have been in these relationships for a month or so.

I am going through something I don't quite understand.

I am attracted to men on an emotional level, but not really a sexual level at all. I think I like the intimacy generally, being close to someone and being loved and loving someone. Ever since my first relationship I have not been able to be intimate with a man and not have to think about being with a woman. I have never been single for a long period of time and I feel part of it may be in fear of realizing who I really am. I know what I feel and what I yearn for but my whole life I have always tried to deny it or put it on the back burner. I thought I could just be with a man because right now in my life, it's the easier route.

But when Julia told me she was a lesbian I just lost it. I felt this intense flow of emotions that I have never experienced. I admire her so much for being able to come out.

I am here though never having been with a woman but always yearning for it, yet I am with a man. He is amazing, don't get me wrong, but when it comes to sex I could really care less. I do love him and love feeling close to someone, but the attraction I have for women has greatly surpassed my attraction for men. And over the years my attraction to men has lessened more and more.

Even though Julia doesn't know how much I understand what she has gone through, her coming out inspires me and makes me feel amazing. The only way I can fully describe it is that, she sets me free.

I guess what I am trying to figure out is what is going on with me, because I feel very lost but yet found at the same time. A select few, and most are exes, know about my attraction to women. Over the last year I have felt less and less scared about talking about it. Has anyone else felt these things or gone through this before or when they realized they were a lesbian?

I apologize for the novel, I just wanted to fully explain my feelings and situation. *sigh*

 

Ok, since you asked for some advice, I am going to give you some sound and str8t and very blunt advice. 1st. the fact you are questioning your sexuality after only being w/3 men and knowing since you were younger (7 yrs.ago) you have had this attraction to women, I personally would say, you are lesbian. 2nd. be very supportive and proud of yourself for being able to recognise now that you don't want to be in a relationship w/a man that you do not have attraction for. If you truly feel you are attracted to women only and you have to fantasize about women in order to have any type of orgasms when having sex then again I say you are a lesbian. But again, unless you have had a intimate relationship w/a woman no 1 truly knows but you. It is not unusual for you to now,want to be able to come out. I think your biggest motivater is the fact your friend/co/worker came out to you on her myspace. 3rd.Very, very important, do not tell this person how you feel about her if and when you do decide to come out. You already know she is now involved w/someone and you could ruin your friendship w/her quite possibly ruin the relationship she has w/her g/f. It is fine in my opinion to tell her, you are very proud of her and supportive of her. 4th. A little about myself.I am 41, I am a Butch but I am also a mom of a 12 yr.old daughter. I knew since I was 12 yrs.old that I was a lesbian. But the problem was this was during the late 70s. during my teens I was known as a tomboy. By the time I was in H.S. AIDS. was announced to the world, n LGBTs were considered the reason how AIDS was started. We were scared to death to be found out. So, like a fool I went into retreat n acted str8. I had alot of 1 niters w/women n I kept my lesbian life secretive. My closest friends were str8. I basically lived a lie. My family didn't even know. When my str8 friends started getting married, every 1 asked when was I? Well, now was the time to start, dating a guy. Well, long story short, 1 st guy that I dated, I married, had a daughter @ 29 and got rid of him less then 8 yrs. later. I just couldn't live that lie. He n I get along fairly. We have a daughter 2 gether so for her we do it. So, I told you this because you asked for the advice and I gave you a bit of my history so you can see by example, that being true to yourself is always in my opinion, the best way to be!!

 

To me, the fact that you say you wonder if you're afraid of realizing who you really are makes me wonder if being in a relationship is really what you need right now. Somehow you, and all of us, need to figure out who we are and sometimes being alone is the best way to do it. But as for the girl... You sound completely in love with her and why shouldn't you be! I think you can come out to her now and let yourself OUT a bit. Let yourself be truly who you are around SOMEONE! FINALLY. I don't like the labels but it sounds like you may be into the ladies. The thing about the attraction to men emotionally, in my experience, is that you are brought up as a girl to feel a certain way, to be looked after by your dad, to be cared for by men, to be respected and treated like a lady by men and so of course, you think I want a man bcause he makes me feel like that. But you can get that same feeling from a woman and my suggestion is to try it out, try and come out to someone, experiment with this idea because otherwise you'll hate yourself later if you don't.

As for the boyfriend? I'd say if you're not really there, get out of it. I know it's difficult but it's the first step to realising/accepting what you are.
IN the end... if it doesn't work with girls, at least you'll know how you feel.
x

 

Yes, it sure sounds from your post that you're a lesbian. It's very possible to have emotional attractions to men but not sexual ones. I second the idea that you breakup with your bf and take some time to be single and meditate on your feelings. You'll need to decide whether you're really happy dating men with bad sex or if your satisfaction will only come with women. That's something only you can find out for yourself.

I also agree you shouldn't tell Julia your attraction to her but you should definitely come out to her. However, I wouldn't come out to her first.

 

I agree with this post.

 

This is exactly how I am so I just classify myself as a bisexual. I don't think you're a lesbian. You may have to experience something physical with a woman before coming to an absolute conclusion.

 

I'm actually the opposite. I love women, emotionally, physically and sexually (im a female). I have never liked a guy's personality as more than "he's awesome!" but never wanted him to "hold me at night" or anything.

I can never go past thinking "Oh he's really hot" or something like that, so i guess you could say i could LUST after guys, but never care for them in the terms of a relationship.
And I still consider myself lesbian, because people confuse "sexuality" with just that.... sex. When there are so many more things to distinguish yourself by.

Think of who you miss, who you dream of holding, and who you have fun being around the most. I think things like that determine sexuality far more than sex actually does.
People naturally get aroused by something touching them, male or female, if your eyes are closed, you will get aroused. However, who you miss and love is a whole different and more important story.

 

I always had feelings for girlfriends growing up. In my family, being gay is unacceptable. So much so that it's just firmly referred to as being sick or weird.

I had problems having sex with men. I felt like I was being raped, in a sense. I felt so violated and awkward and uncomfortable. I married a man, and when he would suggest sex, I'd sit in the bathroom and cry, trying to mentally prepare myself for what felt like hell to me. So, I was 21, had never had an orgasm, but heard all my gfs talk about them all the time. I turned into a researcher in a sense. I would sit for hours on the phone or in person with my girlfriends and ask them what it was that turned them on about men. I thought maybe I just wasn't looking at things properly. I tried everything they suggested. But the problem lied in the fact that I couldn't even get turned on by a man.

So, after beating myself up for my thoughts for years and just telling myself I was just sick or maybe broken, I let my mind wander one night while having "sex" with my ex husband. I started thinking about this beautiful woman I had seen earlier that day. I couldn't escape that there was a penis involved, so I imagined what I was feeling was me f*cking her. That was my first orgasm.

You say you're attracted to men on an emotional level, so we differ there. I can't love a man. I tried my hardest, 3 times. Great and sincere guys; some are even good friends now. But not my thing.

The struggle is usually the beginning of becoming very comfortable with yourself, so don't fight it. Just be open to whoever you are.