Pregnant x ruining my life

So this is the story, we are both 25.

I was with the girl for 6 months. She was very controlling. I couldnt live my own life, she would constantly try to be in touch with me. The reason I stayed with her? Well I was going through a rough time, I was feeling low about my life. When I ended it she wouldnt leave me alone, would cry on the phone, even phone the house phone and get my mum to call me to the phone to talk.

She would say shes got nothing to live for and say all sorts of silly suicidal things. Each time I gave into her and carried on the relationship, hoping that maybe she would see its not working and put an end to it.

Towards the end of the relationship she found out shes pregnant (back in august). I just couldnt believe it at all.

I know some may say its 50/50 but in all fairness at the current time I cant see it that way. When we met and the relationship was fresh and sex happened I asked the first time weather she was on the pill, or id wear a condom. She informed me she was on the pill, showed me the packets and my mind was at rest that we were protected. Clearly to me as well, no girl would want to get pregnant the first time they had sex with that current partner.

When the above came into place (where I was ending it and taking her back out of guilt) and I didnt fancy her or want to be with her anymore sex went out the window.

I really didnt want it with her and in fact the thought of it made me feel sick. That opened another issue I could of done without where she would be in tears saying its like I dont fancy her anymore and to be fair the arguments she would bring up because of it lasted hours. Still she wouldnt end it.

Between the time she got pregnant (back in may) to now we only had sex 2 or 3 times. It was a chore, something I felt I had to do just to stop her having a go at me and making me feel any worse.


Anyway when she told me shes pregnant, I thought what the hell? How can she be? She then admitted she stopped taking the pill because it made her feel ill (She never once told me she had stopped taking it, otherwise I would of made sure condoms were used).

Upon first discussion i told her I know 100% im not ready for a kid, and she should get rid of it, but nope she said shes keeping it. I had no say.


It ended soon after. I had counciling for depression in my rough time, I really saw that regardless of the way she is or what she throws at me I have to walk away from the relationship.... so I did.

I have it in the neck every single day off my mum who doesnt believe this girl was as bad as I say. I mean what the hell, she phoned me on days off to make sure I was where I said I was.

It keeps playing on my mind. Im still not ready to be a dad and if anything just wish it would all go away.

I havent been in touch with her for 2 months but she has been in touch with my mum behind my back. Is it wrong to say I feel completely nothing for the kid? I feel especially angry and annoyed about the situation where she stopped taking the pill without telling me and I only then had sex with her because of guilt.

Its even ruining things at home. I have been distant with my mum because im sick of hearing the same old rubbish about it from her.

I have a new girlfriend now. Obviously when me and this x split I was already completely over her as I hadnt had any feelings for her in the relationship for quite a while. Its even slowly ruining that because my mum has said because of the mess with the x theres no more women allowed in the house. So we cant be a normal couple watching films cuddled up in bed or doing things for free at home.

Really stumped

 

You should pay child support and let the mother have all child-rearing responsibility, then. I don't know what's so hard about that. It takes two to tango and if you aren't willing to be worth a damn as a father, you should be willing to at least put forth a fraction of the money it's going to cost for the next 18 years. Face it buddy, like it or not, you're a dad now and if you're going to be a deadbeat dad at least pay your dues.

 

move out of mom's house already.

 

Or you can just get a lawyer and go to the courts and give up all rights to the child forever..

 

Well, you learned your lesson the hard way. Hopefully, you've wised up enough to stay away from controlling girls the rest of your life.

For now, you have few options. You could stay out of her life and let her sue you for child support, or you could share custody of the child with or without a formal arrangement. Either way, you are most likely linked to your ex forever.

She doesn't sound like the type to just drop the matter.

 

same exact thing....my son is now in my sole custody.....he is almost 16.....his mom ruined 10 years of my life cause i tried to do the right thing and got back together with her


big mistake....

 

No.

Yeah, she fucked you over. She's a worthless piece of shit. She totally set you up and meant to do that all along.

Don't be like her.

That could end up being one fucked up kid if you can't stand up. Be in it's life all you can, and be as good at it as you can. Doesn't mean you have to give it's mom the time of day. Give the kid an alternative to it's mom.

Babies get bitches, and besides, if you don't do the right thing you'll feel guilty for the rest of your life. She'll point the finger at you and you'll be ordered to pay child support, anyways. Might as well stand up, make sure she doesn't use drugs or drink while pregnant, and basically lay down the law about her behavior.

Been there, currently doing that.

 

lol, I'm sorry for my bad response, I wasn't aware there were options other than child support.

 

I agree with RooShack. It's a crappy thing for her to do and it sounds like she was trying to trap you out of desperation. If she did that, than she has some serious psychological issues and it would not be fair for a kid to be raised by a single mother like that. That kid depends on you to give them a good foundation for life and they're not going to get it from $500 a month.

 

I just picked on the first person I saw

But really, as learn2see paraphrased me saying better than I originally said it: a check won't raise a kid, and this kid needs all the help it can get, given who it's mom is.

Just don't get sucked back into it for her. Make it clear that you're there for your kid, not for the woman your kid is unlucky enough to have as a mom.

Given that you are responsible for making a kid have to deal with her as a mom, the least you owe it is to be stable and there, and provide a view of a stable approach to life.

Of course, she could fight for strict visitation rules, but chances are from what you've said, she won't object to you being around or a chance to take a dramatic stab at you, and won't be blocking you out.

 

You have to be there for the kid. But you should have a paternity test to make sure that you are the father.

 

If you're a decent, kind and stable person, be in this child's life. I grew up without a father and I wouldn't recommend it. It's not about her.

 

Wow thanks for all the replys guys, thats a hell of a lot to read and it all helps so I appreciate it.

I too grew up with no father but surprisingly I feel as thought im a lot better off than if mine was around. My dad never paid a single penny for me, but my upbringing was better than quite a few peoples. I feel as though I havent missed out on a dad and have no interest in ever meeting him.

I just keep feeling that at this exact moment in time im not ready to become the father, however over time im near certain that I will come round and want to be there. The problem which made it harder and worse for me was what the girl was saying before we broke up. I was given ultimatums, either live with her and the baby as a happy family or stay away. That I have to be in the babys life at that moment and want the baby or stay away. There was quite a few others she gave as well which of course made it more difficult.

What really wont work for things is when she said if im not there she will make sure the government will milk every penny they can off me for maintainance. I get a very small wage as it is, I had had struggles for cash, so its going to be harder to come round to it if im left with no money whatsoever every month for the hard work I put in at work.

Ill read through some other replys when I have had dinner as just got in from work, its appreciated

 

This poor child isn't asking to be brought into this world. I don't believe its your choice to whether or not you wanna be in the kids life - morally. You made you bed with this one, buddy...you better lie in it.

You are a person of your own free will. I doubt she had a gun to your head telling you that you better fuck her. You both make the mistake, you should both own up to it and raise the child.

 

the truth is: you're both 25 and should be mature enough to know the consequences of your actions, including unprotected sex....so what if she was on the pill, what if she had herpes, or god forbid aids? you took a risk not using a condom, and now you have to deal with it.

clearly she's mentally unstable, whether that has to do with hormones and stress or something else is yet to be determined....I can tell you that being pregnant is very difficult on the body, spirit and mind if you're not prepared for it and can cause a woman to act very out of character.....that being said, there should still be a level of respect between the two of you. The harder you push her away the harder she's gonna try to fight her way back, show her some respect, you dont have to play her games or fall into her traps but given the situation you should be respectful and courteous towards her. This doesnt mean you have to be with her, but talk to her, tell her you're both stressed out and fighting isnt going to help the situation....perhaps write her a letter telling her that a part of you will always care about her being your babies mama, but the relationship part is over and its time to move past that. If you dont want to be a part of the babies life, then you need to tell her that too and sign away your rights....but do you really wanna do that???? you had your part in this too, and i can tell you that at times pre-birth its natural to feel disconnected to the pregnancy, even for mothers at times (its also very natural to feel like youre not ready-even the people who plan their pregnancies can never be fully prepared for the life changes that are to come with a child) but that doesnt mean you shouldnt still show respect for a growing life. That child had no say in this, so dont hold him responsible.

you and i both know you shouldnt of had the pity sex that felt like a chore, it didnt do anyone any favors- but whats done is done and it doesnt change the fact of what's happening....its kind of sad that it seems like youre trying to justify wiggling out of this by using the fact that you didnt enjoy the sex....i bet ya good 50% of children born are to mediocre sex and its completely irrelevant.

one way or the other its time to man up and deal with this situation, youre an adult and if you wanna play like one you have to pay like one.

there are 2 sides to every story and somewhere in the middle is the truth, im sure youre sharing the truth as you see it but that doesnt necessarily mean that is the reality of the situation.


good luck

 

If you grew up well without a dad, you must have a hell of a mom.

Unfortionatly, the same can't (apparently) be said for your kid.

And if your dad was worth a fuck, it couldn't have HURT to have him there, it just sounds like you're in the opposite position of your kid (presuming, of course, that you go be super-dad now )

Depending on where you are, I think you may have legal rights even before the kid's born. She's the one with the abortion rights, but I think you have general welfare rights. Make sure that she's going to the doctors properly, not taking drugs or drinking or smoking, drinking lots of milk and taking prenatal supplements, and all that good stuff. Even if you make it clear it's only about the kid, sounds like she should love the attention from you anyways, and won't reject that. Then as soon as the kid's born, get a paternity test and get paternity established.

If you're up to it, it sounds like if you spoke to a lawyer now (which some should do with no fee or obligation, on the premise that if you like what you hear you'll hire them) you might even be able to get custody, and pull a switcharoo on the situation, so that she's GOT to be stable and an okay mom to see her kid, and you can be the stable custodial parent.

It took me months to work out, so I don't expect you to from what people on a forum say. At least you know BEFORE you have a kid, unlike me. Don't make my mistake, jump in and grab the bull by the horns. Everything is what you make of it, and you have no obligation to the mother, only the kid. Don't let the mother taint your view of the kid.

 

this is your first mistake---never under any circumstances ASSUME anything about anybody. even if it is your lover, a friend, mother, whoever. if you don't want a kid you take necessary precautions to prevent that, and the ONLY necessary prevention a guy can take is using a rubber.

i completely understand you feeling anger toward the kid you never wanted. especially if it's with a person that has become repulsive to you. although, the kid is not to blame, it is not responsible for its mother's actions your feelings of anger are relatable. i completely understand guys feeling left powerless in a situation where they would terminate the pregnancy but just because it is in the female body it is as if they have no say over something that, in essence, is also very much their business.

in the situation you are currently in, i think you do have the right to cut off from her and the kid and never have anything to do with them at all. i know majority will disagree with me, they will say you are the father it is your responsibility you have to take care of the kid. i don't see it that way. i see pregnancy as a responsibility of two people, both mother and the father. and it should be a joint decision whether to bring that child in the world or no. but females completely ignore a man's wishes in a situation like this. if she ignores your wishes you can do the same.

it comes down to what you want. if you want this kid, then prepare to take care of it. if you don't want this kid, then don't. you do have a say in this situation and this is exactly it. and contrary what some might think abandoning this kid will not make you the bad guy.

i don't envy you. good luck.

 

Like you said, I'm going to disagree with you.

On one hand, yeah, his rights have been stomped on hardcore. And he should have no respect or feelings for the mother.

On the other hand, he STILL made the choice to have unprotected sex, which he MUST have known was a horrible idea (especially given her emotional health and behavior-"I'm on the pill"=famous last un-pregnant words) and now he made a kid. It's not the kids fault it would have no father and a horrible mother, it's OP's fault, really.

And now he's got a responsibilty to look out for that kid. whether that's by convincing the mother to set up an adoption at birth (which I think there's a high demand for, it wouldn't be hard to find a good family) or by suing for custody himself, it's now his responsibility to save that kid from having to grow up with only THAT for a mother. (OP: note that this does not mean saying shit about the kids mom to said kid-let them make up their own mind, it should be pretty obvious anyway)

Yeah, she's fucking him over, but he totally set himself up, and let it happen. Not making a jab at him, I've done the same thing. Just saying, it DOES take two and he let himself be a part of it. Would she have done it to someone else? Maybe, but if you act as getaway driver for a murder, is it okay because someone else would have done it if you didn't?

As some of us find out the hard way, if you're not ready to not only have a kid, but have it with THAT PERSON, you're not ready to have sex.

 

get a lawyer right now. this is the only way you will protect your rights because she will try to make your life as hard as she can. and if you are the biological father you will be held financially responsible. you can't avoid that. unless you know the ins and outs of the legal system, get a lawyer.

 

lol yea that should be the first step