emotionally unstable. i really need help...

i spend too much time in my head, but not in the right hallways...
i think way too much.
i think some of my friends have ulterior motives.
i don't feel accepted... or good enough.
i care too much what people think.
i have social anxiety. i think very irrationally...
i used to think my friends didn't want me around
and i confronted them and they thought i was crazy
for even thinking that. i've had many friends, i get along
with so many people. none of them know about these
problems. but these emotional problems have taken over my life....
i'm prescribed zoloft, and just recently citalopram.
but i'm always depressed...even on my meds.

i just want to enjoy life....
i just want my mind to relax and i want to have a good time.
i don't know how to have fun or be happy anymore...
how can i stop being so paranoid?

my emotional problems have cost me. i used to be bulimic (not to lose weight, but to self harm) . i'm still paying for dental work.

i have trouble with interpersonal relationships. i love people too much or not at all... i always feel like i need reassured. i need to know that they're not going to leave me. but once they've reassured me, i back away... i can never find a balance. i like things that are concrete, like the ocean. something i could point to and know what it was. that's why i struggle with love and relationships. i can't touch it. i can't hold on to it and make sure it never changes...

i'm 18 and i've had problems going to school since 7th grade.
i'm a senior this year, but i've stopped going because my mom is getting a job in california soon. so i will be starting all over. i will be leaving indiana behind, the only town i've known my whole life. i think it will be good for me to let go and start fresh. but i don't think my "demons"
are going to go away... i'm so alone.... i don't know when exactly i'm going to move, but i've stopped talking to all of my friends. i've completely isolated myself from this town and i am so lost...... i wish i could understand my behavior

i'm the most non violent person you could ever meet. i'm very sensitive. i'm very loving and it seems like i care for people much more than they care for me.... leaving this town behind it going to be so hard for me. but i've realized that nothing is holding me back here. and that's what hurts the most... i have nothing.


i'm an existential nihilist. i'm also very cynical... this excerpt is exactly how i feel. all the time:


“I don’t belong anywhere. I am neither a heart, a diamond, a club, nor a spade. I am neither a King, a Jack, an Eight, nor an Ace. As I am here – I am merely the Joker, and who that is I have had to find out for myself.
Every time I toss my head, the jingling bells remind me that I have no family. I have no number – and no trade either.
I have gone around observing your activities from the outside. Because of this I have also been able to see things to which you have been blind. Every morning you have gone to work, but you have never been fully awake.
It is different for the Joker, because he was put into this world with a flaw: he sees too deeply and too much. Truth is a lonely thing.”
Source: The Solitaire Mystery, by Jostein Gardner

 

You sound like my friend that recently got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

I think personality disorders are bullshit, but if you buy into that kind of thing it might be worth researching or asking a therapist.

 

You say you don't belong but you find a home being, "the joker". That is pretty specific, more so than I can say of myself. I am called many things and I am those things to those people at those times, but I am none of them, in particular.

 

thanks so much for reading and taking the time to respond

i am no hypochondriac, but i was also suspecting that i had borderline personality disorder...

 

get off the zoloft

start prepping for california...its a pretty wild place...like another goddamned planet from what i been told...you have tons to look forward to......you actually sound pretty normal....kinda like other people been telling you what you ''have''

this is an internet forum...we have our share of nut jobs

but

we have a bunch of pretty cool people that talk and discuss each others lives everyday..we help each other through shit and etc etc.... so come on here more often and lets talk about your problems as they come up....make some friends .....you have to look for them but we do have some chat threads that you can ask stuff without makin' a whole thread......us STONERS arent always busy smokin doobies...come on by

 

thank you you just made my day for sure...
it's great to know there's such genuinely nice and caring people out there.

 

rolling is actually just an old timey dick.



you seem similar to me - I think way too far into things, become obsessed with it and can't leave it alone. my issues, socially, seem to fester because i focus too much of my own energy on these 'issues'

i've tried to just be more open, talkative and interested in other people (which is EXTREMELY hard for me...i just don't care usually)

read more, draw more - do something actively engaging (not TV or video games - or even music by itself - I zone out of those things and go back to my head)

get a job for the time being - why not? save money for all the weed in cali

 

yes i'm definitely going to save up for some cali kush
i think doing actively engaging things would be the best for me. I also zone out when i listen to the tv or music. i have too much time on my hands, that's the problem. it's kind of sad that i have to distract my senses long enough so that my mind doesn't eat me alive... i wish i didn't think this way man. i wish i could be a kid again with no worries

i wish i had someone... anyone... to talk to. i'm so alone

and i feel pathetic. i just want to get the fuck out of this town and leave everyone and everything behind.

i can't stop crying now. i need someone.... would anyone like to chat with me?

 

i understand your feelings of loneliness man, i've felt extremely alone and hollow at certain points throughout my life.

that's when reading really really really helps - really, you aren't pathetic and you AREN'T alone.

personally, i am a horror socially - i don't care a lot of times what people have to say, or i think in ways that puts us at differences. but i also seek social activity as well - i feel very empty without (and I've spent extended periods of time by myself, with nobody to really talk to)

i started making art more seriously and tried to find ways to distract myself - and just ease up if you have a hard time being social with people. it's sort of manic-depressive, because when you do start hangin out with people or someone, you (or I) get super stoked and then they get freaked out (add on my odds-creating behaviors and it is easily done)

just know that moving cities/homes/lives doesn't necessarily solve anything. like you said, the problems come with you - they definitely still affect me after moving a few times. having said that, moving and seeing changes in my life creates a sort of contrast to your surroundings (changing) and you (which will remain mostly the same) - that sort of juxtaposition can help you change your own habits or mindset.

hopefully that makes sense

also: i have found a sort of comfort with being alone - you really get an idea of who you really are or want to be (being that is what takes effort) and being comfortable with yourself (including the loneliness) will allow others to be comfortable with you as well - and thus the loneliness subsides, naturally.

after all - you are you. nobody else will ever be you so be something no one else will be.
i know it's super gay but i found the quote from Donnie Darko that the old lady whispered intriguing
"Every living thing dies alone" essentially we are born alone too - once the umbilical chord is severed we are a complete, sustainable organism - your mind and confidence will make you your own complete, sustainable entity.

quit cryin and start the changing process now, eh? all it takes is the initial step - a positive action.

 

and get off the meds...unless you seriously need a medication like that ( i dont think anyone does) all they are doing is keeping you from facing what you HAVE to do by making a conscious decision to change your life

 

I always tell my friend with borderline personality disorder that she just needs to learn how to shut her brain off. Meditation helps, or anything that puts you in a meditative-like state. Hanging out in nature, creating art, etc etc. Just find ways to get outside your head and stop thinking so much.

The added benefit of doing activities like that is you learn to entertain yourself, which takes the bite off the loneliness a little bit.