Okay, so, me being attracted to girls- that wasn’t new to me. I’ve known that for a good 10 years now. Only took me eight or so of those to find the words that go with the feelings… And then, about a year ago, I told people. And I was feeling so proud… But, about 3 months ago, I fell for this guy, and I fell hard. I tried the whole mainstream hetero thing for a while; not my cup of tea, honestly. So now I wanna break up. Gonna break up. But… I feel… tainted. As if- well as if there is no real, 100% going back. I’m literally disgusted with what we did together, and even my therapist doesn’t seem to understand :S Anyone out there ever felt the same way? Ever healed?
Hey Nerissi, Welcome here to the forums. I'm the super-moderator for the gay forums or I wouldn't violate the Women only rule. your question struck a chord whith me as a gay man though. Like you I always knew what my feelings toward other guys meant long before the words came along to define me. Back then it was really scary to be a gay man. I didn't want to disappoint my family and back then I still had the influence of church too. When I finally tried my luck with girls it just didn't work. you used the word tainted. I felt I had betrayed myself and other guys like me. It was crazy for a while till I finally accepted what it means for me to be gay. I had my complete and undenialbe truth with my sexual experience with girls. It changed from being a betrayal into a feeling of comfort. I could relax and stop any more efforts at being someone other than my true self. Perhaps it will be the same for you. You have tried a guy and it didn't work. You said you fell for him. So view the experience as the love you felt for another human being, one who happened to have a penis. Judge yourself by your heart and not a sexual act. Good luck to you with sorting out your feelings and I hope all goes well for you. yarapario/steve
Thank you for responding- seems you're the only one who's bothered so far... And yes, I am doing better now, thanks. I try my best not to regard him as a mistake so much, but rather an experiment. One that did not agree with me. At least I've learned my lesson: if it feels wrong from the start, don't start at all...
He was just a person you weren't suited to. Let's say you get into a relationship with a girl. The sex is truly awful, you are not compatible. This will not 'taint' your future relationships, it was just one that didn't work. Same as with this guy. Most lesbians come out after being with guys. We were trained to go for guys and to hide our true selves. For some of us it takes decades to finally be honest with ourselves. Personally I regard myself as 'mostly lesbian'. However I am a complete wuss when it comes to hitting on a girl. Every so often I get desperate for that ego-boost and hit on a guy. It is not what I really want at all. It makes me feel bit of a failure as a lesbian, but I know my true self and that is what matters. Forget about the 'gold star' bollocks. Chalk it up to experience, and a useful learning one at that. No one has an unblemished past free from regrets and mistakes.
Its the same here, its like I don't know how to flirt with girls yet I want to at the same time. But with guys its very easy yet I don't mean it when I flirt with them, if that makes sense.
I know! Apparently, I flirt with most guys. I'm not aware of it though... And they tend to ask me out A LOT. But girls.... that's way harder. I still don't really feel good about that guy, but it's better now. I just know that I'll never ever go with a guy again. And for now, no girls either. I need some time to get things straight (no pun intended) And I want to thank you all for replying, it really did help
i'm a lesbian but i have been with guys in the past, a lot. i don't feel disgusted by it, i have never particularly hated sleeping with men, and i never really liked it either. but every failed relationship, and every moment that i was miserable because all i could think about was being with a woman, holding a woman, touching a woman, brought me closer to finally realizing and accepting myself for who i am. honestly, i'm happy that i was with those men that made me unhappy, because now i know what's right for me personally. and i don't have to experiment anymore, fantasize about something unattainable, or feel misunderstood and alone. i can be myself, and that's the best feeling in the world. this is just my experience, maybe it will help you.
