I hate my past

I'm not exactly sure where to begin with this. Basically I just found out what I had suspected and ranted about most of my life...my Father is certifiably crazy. I know my Mother is as well but that has not been exposed officially yet. Anyhow, my childhood was is just a collection of painful memories of physical, emotional and mental abuse.

My father was a special type of crazy. I realized at the age of four that he was off somehow. Basically he beat me, chased away as many friends and girldfriends as he could because he had none when he was young. His advice was always something that would break me down. For example, when I was in high school I had lots of female friends, I made the mistake of bringing a few of them around the house, he would pull me aside and tell me with a grin that these girls did not really like me and would go on to explain why. His reasons were always fucked up.

He would attack me out of the blue for no reason and beat me pretty good. Friends would knock on the door only to have me answer it in a bloody Tshirt or something like that. I was constantly grounded and the reason given was that I needed to be reminded that they "could". Bare in mind that I was grounded for over a year once to my room where my dinner was brought to me and I was not allowed to socialize or leave the room. I watched the seasons change outside my window. No TV or games, just me.

My mother was the prefect woman for him in that she always looked the other way and made excuses for him. Eventually as I got old enough to start questioning them on this kind of behavior they both began to blame me.

They would say I was a bad kid and that I needed to be sent away to military school. Meanwhile I was never in any trouble, ever. No criminal record, no issues with cops period. No issues at school. I eventually moved out and lived at my friends parents until I got a place with my then girlfriend and life went on.

I have struggled through the last decade wrestling with fuckin mommy and daddy issues and rage but have done okay for myself. I have two kids and none of that shit goes on with them. I moved 700 miles away from where my parents live. I started my own business and it is growing.

Now a days my parents are alone with each other and my Mom calls me sometimes and now that I'm 35 she is finally admitting that they were fucked up. She mostly blames my Dad but she was just as nuts. Anyway she told me that when I was young, my father had a meltdown.

He drove a cross a major bridge and when he got to the other side he put it in reverse and drove back over it into oncoming traffic. He was arrested and later institutionalized for several months and was observed. I was not told exactly what he was diagnosed with having but my mom said that the doctors that observed him told her very matter of factly to take her kids and leave him because he is out of his fuckin mind.

What is pissing me off is that I always knew it and tried to tell them he was crazy, they mind fucked me and tried everything to convince me it was me. I was tortured. They always knew I was right though, but still punished me for having a clue. Whaaaaaaaaaaa. Okay I'm done.

 

Well, first of all, don't hate your past because there's nothing you can do about it.

How long have you been away from your parents?

One thing I've learned in life (not from my parents, who I became very close to after I graduated high school) is that you can't pick your family. I've disassociated myself from every relative I have with exception of 2 aunts who I am still leery around to this day.

Hating your past or holding resentment is not worth the time and frustration. Remember, this is the only life you have...why waste it feeling this way?

 

That's what I keep hearing. Let it go. I think that people don't realize, you can let go of something that designed who you are. It's a part of you. You can't let go of yourself.

I still talk to my parents, my Dad too if he wants to talk. I had to leave because they still tried to control me as an adult and no amount of fuck you's would stop them. I moved away to stop the conflict because I just wanted some peace and quiet in my life.

I'm cool to them though. I don't blame them for any problems that come my way these days.

 

There was a book, Toxic Parents. Maybe it would help. I read it a long time ago and got a lot out if it.

 

Cool, thank you.

 

You can let go of something that designed you.

Because only YOU designed who YOU are in your adult life. Parents design you as children to grow up and be able to survive on your own...once you are an adult, your parents are not designing you.

I wrote my father off throughout high school because of his wife at the time. It was unbelievably difficult, but it had to be done since he did more damage than good.

And you say you do not blame them for anything, but it sounds like you hold a lot of resentment toward them.

You are 700 miles away from them now. That is too big of a gap for resentment. YOU can create your own life and redesign yourself however you want now...

 

I understand where you are coming from, but how I get through my past is that I don't associate myself with it,or people who was in my past, meaning if I was in your shoes I wouldn't communicate to my parents. Even if you do, you will have memories and no matter how much you move on it will still hurt.

 

Exactly.

 

If hasnt clicked all ready, it eventually will; that the main reason she put up with it all was for the sex - he gets angry, makes him seem more manly thus gets her hornier. Which is why I refer to it as the angry beaver. That is most of the time she chose a decent shag over your welfare.

Similar situation to yours but not the same, more that my Dad was dumb as shit and constantly frustrated at that. Parents divorced when I was 21, but when that happened he didnt flip out at mum, but went off to throw tantrums at his parents and his brother and sister.

He'd grown up with 1 brother, 1 sister - his sister the girl would have got all the attention and his older brother was smart went on to be someone in the navy, whereas he would have just been the dumb one, and probably teased too much at school by the other kids.

Anyway, my point is there is a whole world of shit that your dad was angry at the world with before he even met your mum or you or any siblings were born. I didnt get that until my parents divorced. And a lot of that anger is just stupid defensive shit, didnt want you to find out he was a former mental patient. Put the kid down to make themselves feel better, then call themselves grown ups

I havent spoken to my dad in 20 years, thats more about the gay thing, but my brother has, and every time when he tells him what he's up to he gets stuff like "Oh, I suppose you think you are some big hot shot now" etc etc. He's 61 now and still carrying on like a child, so retarded. In the end you just have to cut yourself off from that shit. Negative vibes man

 

I like your optimism kiddo. I don't know though hon, that you are truly grasping the magnitude of this level of abuse. I didn't say everything I could have on here because I would have to relive it to do that.

I have created my own life. I am my own person. I'm not a failure because of what my parents did, so it sounds like you are just saying to block it out then, the memories and the emotions.

For the most part I do. I have a better life than a lot of people right now, fuck that I'm down right successful. I can't however forget something that lasted so long. It wasn't just a moment in time. It was half of my life. Ask yourself, can you forget half of your life?

 

I definitely don't forget the bad years in my life. Nor do I want to.

I took the awful experiences and chalked it up as what "molded me" into what I am today.

Life is too short to not see the optimism in everything

 

I try not to think about my past cause there is nothing I can do about it

 

I relate to everything you just said. My dad was not a genius either. He was pissed about growing up poor with a drunk father. He is frighteningly childlike in his behavior.

 

Dude When you became successful didn't you have flashbacks of your past and how everyone has treated you, and now look where you are , living the life you wanted

Im 18 and still trying to escape my past, I work everyday into becoming healthy mentally and wealthy. I sometimes lay down and imagine my future and how I manage to stay strong for years.

 

I feel you player :sunny:

 

I think your past is important not only does it make you stronger

 

I do sometimes. I'm very busy working 7 days a week though so I get very little time to reflect. I have had several moments though of contact with people from my past that are slack jawed at my current status. I was expected to fail I guess.

I never rub it in though. I don't want that hater energy out there working against me. I just try to be cool about it.

I'm not flying in personal jets or anything right now either. I still work a regular job on sat n sun just in case business slows down in the winter, I will be okay. I am really careful about playing it safe for tomorrow... but at this pace I should be able to be a bit more careless soon, I hope.

 

It's called Jägermeister. I know what you're sayin though.

 

I hope too, you deserve it, anyone in your situation deserve the best

I hope I won't let the past eat me up and become successful

 

Just WHATEVER you do, don't block out or forget your past, and unfortunately, in my humble opinion, (as someone who has had to deal with my own healing from severe sexual abuse) it's my feeling that, in order to come to begin the road of healing, I have to accept that, as someone who has experienced severe trauma, I will always have a scar, and it's a blessing that it's not an open wound anymore more, and that's a triumph- but I'm also humbled and I do mourn for a loss that I have received on an earth full of mankind, and the scar reminds me how flawed and unfair and evil mankind and this world is. But my ability to be brave enough to go back through this experience and bare just HOW painful and cruel and unfair it was, and just how much this experience DID shape me....but here I am, I'm still alive, I'm a good person, and now that I am finally accepting the fact that it is not my fault, and now that I am taking charge of my life and able to cut off the ppl who mean me harm and fill my life up with the things that make me happy & healthy- then I have USED ACCEPTING MY PAST AND MY PAST TRAUMA TO SLAY IT INSTEAD OF REPRESSING IT- repressing it only made it pop up with conflict as the pain and my guilt and confusion came out in the the most unhealthy and chaotic ways. A great movie about the subject is the Danish film Fear Me Not.