Sincerely need advice on where I stand sexually (very long)

Hello. My name is Nick. I am a 27 year old man (which may be kind of old to be having sex identity issues), and I have lead a more-or-less hetero life. I've always known my sexuality wasn't 100% straight, but for my own mental well-being, I want to figure where my sexuality lies.



For much of my life I've been kind of self-loathing because of who I was, and that attitude hasn't been to good to me. Recently I have been making efforts to learn to love myself, and since then I have been happier and more confident, and I have seen my life improving. Part of this process is learning to accept who I am sexually, but to accept that I first have to figure it out, and that's been a bit of a confusing ride, so I'd like to get some insight from others. This post is going to be long, but it's important to me to make sure I explain myself in enough detail because I sincerely want good advice, so I hope that you will be patient enough to read my story. I'm not going to go over my life story, just some of my feelings on sexuality.


Since I've hit puberty, sex with other men has been a recurring thought in my head. It wasn't just a passing curiosity, it was a desire, but one that stayed in my head because, at the time, I was attracted to women.
I never really found men attractive in a conventional sense; I wouldn't look at a man and think “Oh my god he's hot!” or get an erection or anything, but I was still noticing them, even if it was subconscious. I suppose I found women attractive, but I was never obsessed with their looks; I always loved the person rather than the body. I found them aesthetically pleasing, but when it came to sex, the bodies didn't really matter. Breasts were nice to look at, but playing with them never really excited me. I didn't care much about a girl's butt, and I couldn't really care less about what a vagina looked like. Fantasizing about women wasn't bad, but it never got me hard without some visual aid. Fantasizing about men was a different thing; I never thought about kissing them, but fantasizing about other things was very exciting. In my fantasies, nothing excited me more than a penis. For most of my life, however, it was no more than a fantasy.


I've had girlfriends, and it was fun. I liked hanging out with women, and I could be a part of myself that I couldn't really show around other men, so I enjoyed it. Sex with women was good enough. It was enjoyable; I enjoyed the foreplay: the kissing, the fondling, the oral sex. I was good at that stuff. However, the sex part was always awkward to me. The whole idea of putting my penis inside her felt uncomfortable to me. I was always a soft, gentle, passive person, and very act of doing this felt like it went against my nature. Physically it felt alright, but I was never satisfied with it. The very act felt dominant, and that wasn't me. I hated being dominant (I even hate winning at games or sports because I feel bad for the people who lost). The whole time I do it, all that's going through my head is “I hope I don't hurt her.” “If I go to deep it'll hurt her.” “I better not go to fast, it might hurt her.” One time I did go too far and hurt my girlfriend, and it was just a little bit, but I ended up crying. Another girl I was with told me to “fuck (her) brains out,” and hearing that was an immediate and irreparable turn off. I can't do that. I'd rather be on the other end, I thought. Relationships with women always ended up not working out in the end. Every woman I have been with has eventually demanded that I be more of a “man,” be more dominating, and not act so much like a woman. I was never a man as far as traditional gender roles were concerned, nor could I ever be. In my mind, I wasn't a man, nor was I a woman; I was something else, though I never determined what this something else was.


Finally, a few years ago, I decided to act on my curiosity and have sex with another man. I met this nice guy who was also bi-curious, and after talking for a while, we went to a hotel to have our first homosexual experience. Now, I never thought much about kissing a guy, but once we got into it, I was all over him (and him me). I surprised myself how much I was into it. I nearly had an orgasm from just having him inside me. It was definitely an intense experience. However, after it was over, I felt... ashamed. My mind was flooded with thoughts like “what are you doing?” “You're not gay.” for I learned at an early age that homosexuality was shameful. I grew up in a place where even though people tolerated homosexuality, it was easy to tell that they hated it, so I learned from my community, my peers, and my parents, that it was wrong.


That confused me because I couldn't rationally think about my experience. I couldn't tell if I really enjoyed it or not. I eventually thought “okay, I had my gay experience, now to get back to my life.” But fantasies and thoughts about men came back. About a year after my first experience, I ended up having sex with another man. This time, it was a friend of mind who... kinda seduced me when I visited him (I made no effort to resist). This time, after it was done, I became unable to sleep. I was shuddering, and giggling like a little girl the whole night remembering how intense it was and how good it felt.


This all got me even more confused because, as I mentioned before, I never really found men that attractive. I like the way some guys look, but I very rarely get sexually aroused from just looking at a – clothed – man. I never thought of myself as gay. Gay porn wasn't very exciting to me; I'd rather imagine myself with another man rather than see two men having sex. I sought advice from a lesbian friend of mine, and during the conversation I mentioned that “gay people have always accepted me and never ridiculed me for the way I acted, what I liked, or who I was. I've always got along great with them. I'm so compatible with them. I find myself so similar to them.” and it hit me: “could it be that the reason I find gay people so similar to me is because I am gay myself?” "But I don't swoon and obsess over men's bodies, so what makes me gay?"but then I thought, “Yeah, I could learn to have a relationship with a guy, and if I accept this and become comfortable with it, I think I could be happy.”


So there it is. Could I be gay if I have more of a psychological need to be with a guy than a physical one? Would I be acting too rashly if I were to start identifying myself as gay? I'm still not totally sure where I stand sexually. Sorry for the very long post, but I sincerely want input from people who may understand my feelings. Thank you very much.

 

that first (and consecutive) experience you had with another guy shows that you responded physically to him, therefore it would seem that you are physically attracted to guys. the fact that you don't find them hot while clad, seems kinda odd, but maybe that's the way you are. do you find women hot when they are fully clothed? do you ever go 'she's fucking hot!' with women?

also, since you seem to be sensitive to traditional sexual roles--did you ever try to get it on with a woman who took on a more dominant sexual side in bed?

and do you only want to be on the submissive/receiving end of the sex with another guy? i.e. are you more versatile with guys when it comes to sex, or an exclusive bottom?

since you've been feeling that there was something to your sexuality other than '100% straight' you're probably at least bi. you don't seem to fall under exclusively gay or exclusively straight, so you're likely somewhere in between. some guys are like that. maybe you want a clear sexual orientation you could identify with and maybe that is what's bothering you. --?

my advice is, you've already tried to be with women, so why don't you try a relationship with a guy and see how it is.

:sunny:

 

I agree with the above poster

Sounds like you are bi. You have to learn how to accept it and I guess not only be looking for relationships with women exclusively. No matter what you were brought up to believe you have to remember that there is nothing wrong with it and you shouldn't be ashamed at all

 

dont label urself. labels box us in rather than free us.
sexuality is normal! just do it as u like it and ur doing it right!
dont pressure yourself or guilt trip urself, there are plenty of people in the world who will do that for you and you dont need it

 

I agree with "The Mistress". You are a sexual being and that's good. Why pressure yourself? Why limit yourself? Love being with who you love being with regardless of any labels for either of you. Do what feels good with whom it feels good and don't worry about if either of you are male, female, straight, gay, bi, dominant, submissive, etc. That will take all the fun out of loving.

Here's an interesting label you might consider if you feel you need to identify with something:
Pansexuality (also referred to as omnisexuality or polysexuality)[1] refers to the potential for sexual attractions, sexual desire, romantic love, or emotional attraction, towards people of all gender identities and biological sexes.[2][3] Self-identified pansexuals may refer to themselves as gender-blind—that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others.[4] The Oxford English Dictionary writes that pansexuality "encompasses all kinds of sexuality; not limited or inhibited in sexual choice with regards to gender or activity."[5] Pansexuality can also mean the attraction to a person's personality, rather than their physical appearance or gender.

That was taken from good ol' Wikipedia. I have many friends who choose to identify themselves this way. They are the happiest, most well-rounded, loving people I know.

 

see, i don't understand how 'gay' is a label. it's not. you either are or you aren't. it's a physiological reality not a subjective perception others may impose on you. it's unchangeable. it's no more a label than being 'male', or 'white' or 'dark-haired'. you either are or aren't.

i'm gay and other people think of me as gay, why the hell should i have anything against that? i don't feel squeezed into a box by it, or limited in any way. it's the truth about me.