Man, do I need some advice - Sorry, but long

I've been struggling with my current issues for a while, and thought this would be the best way to get some weight off my shoulders, and get some opinions.
I'm due to be married in 6 weeks, but my partner and I are having issues, and I'm trying to work out where to start or put things right.
We met 18 months ago, and after 2 months she got pregnant. We ended up having our daughter early due to complications which required a 2 month stay in hospital. We eventually got her home and she has been great.
However, my mother and her partner smokes. Which my partner has raised as an issue, and restricted them from holding her until at least 30mins after they have had a smoke.
Things then blew out of proprotion on my sisters 21st, when my partner didn't let my mum hold my daughter straight away, and my Mum burst into tears saying that we always had an excuse for her not to have a hold. Her partner jumped in, and started yelling at us saying about how we were cruel for not letting my Mum hold her. My partner walked out with my daughter, and I was left to watch my Mum cry and her partner finish his blast. I left, and eventually got my Mum to hold my daughter before we left for good.
Things got worse when later my partner said he wasn't invited to our wedding anymore. That started more shit in the family, with my sister getting herself involved as well.
It got worse recently when my sister was reporting facebook status reports to my Mum, and then she would start asking questions of us.

My family has always been very close, but things are now falling apart. I love my partner, but feel conflicted about her putting me in this position, and I love my family, but don't like toalking or dealing with them lately.

What should I do? I can give more info as needed. I just need help.

 

i don't think you can give enough info here, but from what you have given it sounds like you're set to marry an evil **** and should probably not do so.

 

Often family are the ones that will fuck you over the most

Your parents have to be told about smoking around your kid? Seriously???

 

Your parents have to be told about smoking around your kid? Seriously???[/QUOTE]

We have this rule that they aren't to hold her until half an hour after they have had a smoke. Which we have tried to keep going since she was born.

But my Mum has taken that as a reason for us to restrict her holding our daughter. However my partner does use that reason Allot. She has said that she doesn't like her that much. So I'm not sure but I think it may be her making her point a bit more.

 

I won't tell you what to do, but by the limited description you've given, I personally wouldn't marry such a person. Unless you don't mind years of stress and bullshit.

 

I'm sorry you had to be raised by a crybaby smoker. Your mom shouldn't have taken the baby holding thing personally, since she already knew the rules about smoking.

As far as your mom's partner getting involved, it's none of his business.

As far as your partner uninviting your mom's partner to your wedding, she sounds like a drama-filled bitch (unless there are other details about the way your mom's partner behaves that you haven't told us).

Your sister; she shouldn't be involved either.

Sounds like a bunch of neurotic, self-centered assholes. They need to stop taking things personally and chill the fuck out.

I think you should sit them all down and tell them just that!

 

She claimed that she didn't know the rules, but my partner said that we had at the start of the year. Things became worse when we were staying with family and my Mum was there, and while I was out of the room, my Mum had a smoke, and then came back in and held my daughter as soon as she came in. I did see her hold her, but what I didn't see was the apparent smug smile she gave my partner. Which has worsened the situation.

 

I dunno, I wouldn't want some dude that yelled at me because I made a stand about what I deem fit for my baby at my wedding either.

Elope. It offends everybody equally.

 

I'd be pretty pissed if my parents smoked around my daughter.... but my parents don't smoke. I think a half hour rule sounds fine, if she wants to hold the kid she knows the rule.

Then again, I was also pretty pissed at my daughters mother smoking in the same house with her, and letting friends smoke in the same room as her..... not only is it horrible for developing lungs, but it makes children MUCH more likely to become addicted later, because they're basically addicted as kids, so when they have a cigarette they can't stop.... I've seen that time and time again from smoking households, while people from nonsmoking households like me can smoke a pack a day for weeks, quit cold turkey, and not be the least bit bothered.

Anyway, got my own "partner" to quit, and I'm ready to flip shit on the next person to have a cigarette around my daughter..... I think it's quite respectable of your partner, and I think you should join her in it. Lay down the law about your daughter, tell your mom it's nothing personal, nothing against her, but that you won't let her and her addiction harm your daughter. If she cares about your daughter enough to cry if she can't hold her, she must care enough to not have a cigarette. It sounds like it's some sort of power game.... Like she wants to have the authority to hurt your child, and you to care more about her addiction than your kid.

 

Im a smoker and I would never smoke around kids

 

I have to agree with RooRshack. Your kid, your rules. If your momma don't like it, then too bad.

As for your "partner" fuck it- GET MARRIED AND FUCK THIS WORLD! You are here for you and your new family- your wife to be and your curtain climbers. Fuck everyone else!

 

It's one thing to smoke around a child but that's not what I'm getting from the story, the mom smokes outside or some place else and then comes in afterwards.....what? Do you think there's a danger for the first 30 minutes after having a smoke? Give me a break...
Better keep the child away from any vehicles...FOREVER.....cuz you know what comes out of an exhaust pipe. If you don't, stick your nose in the tail pipe for 10 minutes and find out.
People go overboard so much of some stuff, it's almost sad.

Kick your partner to the curb....if she's bitchin' now, it's only going to get worse when you're married.

 

No...

It's not good for your kid to associate cigarette smoke with good people, family, warmth, safety, etc. It's the opposite of all those.

I mean, I'd say an hour. Or go take a shower and then immediately, or something.

Yes, kids shouldn't be playing around exhaust pipes. I've had this discussion with my girlfriend over shoes-yeah everybody does it... "if your friends all jumped off a bridge...." There's no excuse for doing worse than you must. Cigarettes don't let you travel at many times the speed you could on foot, and make modern life possible. For many, vehicles do, and are still not belching smoke that you don't want your kid to think is okay-we all know not to huff exhaust, smoking cigarettes is a different thing.

I had 2 cigarettes a few hours ago, but won't get to see my daughter until tomorrow. I'm not talking about something that doesn't effect me, just by the by.

Also, make that "if your friends all lined up to throw YOUR kid off a bridge...."

Stand up for yours. Your mom's manipulating you, and making her own problems for drama's sake. Don't let her hurt your child so that she can win a petty argument and feel vindicated in her drama.

 

Your life, your wife. You're sleeping with her, not your momma. So until your momma can fill every role your wife does, she needs to step back and let you and your wife live your lives the way you two want.

 

I can't say that I blame your partner for not wanting your child to be around cigarette smoke - 30 minutes seems a bit excessive though. I also get the impression that your partner either doesn't like your family or wants to isolate you from them. I feel a bit bad for you, because you seem alright, and you seem to be caught in between to somewhat unreasonable factions. I've been there. I think you need to get in your partners face and I think you need to get your Mum and her partner's face. To your partner, I would make it unquestionably clear that you intend for your family to remain a significant part of your life and that of your child's (if that's what you desire). To you smoking Mum and her partner, I would make perfectly clear that your child's mother has a right to raise your child as she sees fit and that they had better respect that fact if they truly desire to be a part of your child's life.

Hold these meetings separately and one-on-one. Make a big grim deal out of it. Express yourself forcefully and do not let yourself be interrupted - You need to make it very clear that you are serious. You are the only one doing the talking - and if anyone interrupts you, I would slowly get right in their face, maintain murderous eye contact throughout and then scream, "listen and shut the fuck up" - neither your partner or your mum or her partner is taking you seriously. No more Mr. Niceguy is the approach you need to take. I wouldn't normally recommend pulling the alpha male bit, but this one, from what you've described, calls for it. You need to shock these people back into the reality of the situation - for your child's sake.

Remember, this is your child and your budding family too - you have a say in the fate of both. You need to leave no doubt in their minds that you're deadly serious about fatherhood.

 

@ RooRshack: Sure, I understand where you're coming from, by not letting cigarette smoke be connected to something positive, like the baby's grandmother. But where do you draw the line then? Is the girl not allowed to visit the grandmother's house? Because the grandmother might clean herself from cigarette smell, but cleaning her house from the smell is awfully difficult.

My grandmother used to smoke, but I never ever actually saw her smoke. Her house smelled like cigarettes and air freshener, but I only analysed that smell in my teen years. I think that your baby seeing people smoke has more of an effect than smell, so I think the 30 minute rule is rather silly.

However, it is your rule (or is it, because it sounds like it is your partner's rule, and you just went along with it) and your mother should abide by it. By not inviting your mother's partner to the wedding, your partner is blowing the situation way out of proportion. Maybe invite everyone who has gotten involved, explain the rules clearly, and tell them everyone should back off and stop behaving like 3 year olds who don't get their way.