Why the different feeling and emotional mood swing?

Hi all,

Let me first apologize for this long typing. I have try editing it but still very long.


I'm a bisexual guy cross-dresser that never dared to walk out on the street until about 8 months ago. In the past, after working hours, I spent most of my time hiding in my apartment cross-dressed and watch porn, mostly those involve anal sex and shemale type. I'll dream and fantasize with my dildo but never have the guts to try the real thing with real people. Last Christmas during my leave, out of frustration, I flew to Thailand for a week to see If I can satisfy my curiosity. While there I cross-dress at night and search the local pub. After 4 days of search, I finally met a man and I was all excited about it. The following night he called me to meet in a hotel room. At 1st when i reach there with him alone in the room, i was so nervous but he is very good at easing my tension and finally i was ready and we had sex. Despite all what I have learn from Internet and preparation I've done, nothing prepare me for what followed next...

The sensational feeling of the real cock sliding in and out is just overpowering and really brought out the feminine side of me. It was so intense that I cum within a few minutes without touching my cock. Then all hell broke lose!
1st I got the familiar feeling of disgrace and lost of interest but never expected it to be so strong! I felt so humiliated, my emotional mood just swing 180 degree around. I was so ashamed, i just couldn't find word to express it. I just wanted him to stop, but it's my 1st time and I was also very afraid to offend him, so I just hang-on and hope he finish quickly. Luckily he did. After he cum he fell on my back kissing and feeling my body, I felt so gross that as if my soul would jump out of my skin. When he got up and went to the toilet to take-off the condom and pee, I quickly got out of bed, grab my stuffs and took off, I was still putting on my underwear while waiting for the elevator and vomited. I never looked back and cried all the way back to my hotel. The next day I changed my flight and left Thailand and came home. Beside suffering from the sore ass and slight abdominal pain for few days, it is the emotional feeling of humiliation/embarrassment *and remorse that's hardest to deal with. I couldn't find any info in the Internet on how to deal with it. After a few weeks, I still find it hard to concentrate masturbating and difficulty in maintaining erection. Somehow that creepy feeling kept flashing back.*
Few months past and about 2 months ago, 1 of the guys that I use to fantasize about approached me in a local pub. We sat down and have a few drinks then we made a date to have dinner at his apartment on Saturday evening.
Came Saturday and I went to his place even though the feeling of the previous incident still haunts me, but it is the years of fantasizing him that attracted me to go for it. After a light meal we got comfortable on a couch and began kissing and later we have sex. However, the outcome is different this time. At the beginning it was just as intense and as sensational and I cum after less than 5 mins. However, this time I only have a very brief period of lossing interest and no feeling of humiliation... ok there was a little bit but nothing at all like the 1st time, and it disappear within a minute. We continue the sex for another 10 to 15 minute until he cum and surprisingly we were both quite happy about it. And I went home that night feeling very satisfied. For reason I cant explain, I felt just fine and felt good to be feminine again. Over the next couple of weeks we had sex 3 more times before he went outstation to work. On the last time before he left, I felt very intimate and passionate so much so that he cum in my mouth and I swallowed some of it and didn't felt gross, instead i felt really horny even though I have already cum earlier.
Last month I was busy working and didn't have sex but after the payday, I decided to release some steam so I went to the pub. I was all dressed and thought I could handle any guys from now on so I was sort of in a showoff mood and kinky a bit. A well known local bisexual guy invited me to his apartment for a nightcap but we end up having sex. Unlike previously I didn't cum so quick but did cum 1st after about 15 mins and without warning, that humiliating feeling and remorse came right back at me. Although not as powerful as the 1st time, this time I managed to stop him, I apologized to him and I went home. As soon as i closed my door, I broke down and cried.*I just don't understand why.*

Why I have this problem with the 1st & 3rd guy but not with the 2nd guy. Is it normal to have this kind of mood swing? Or is it because I lack experience? To date I only have sex with these 3 guys and 1 girlfriend in my teens. I think I'll put a stop to my sexual life until I can figure it out.
Does anyone here have similar experience? Please share how you deal with it.*

Thanks

 

hi Missing link - a great post and it's good you are so open.

I think the first time you had a lot of mental baggage to get over - long-term society conditioning. You obviously loved the feeling of being fucked - as I found in the last year I do also - but it is not uncommon after orgasm to feel a mental withdrawal. I'm not sure why but i know that i have felt it both with women and men - I think it is generally to do with the emotional feeling between the partners. If it was just sex without any attraction then it is not surprising that once the sexual urge is satisfied you just want to get out of there.

At least that is my take on it. I'm not trans and have never felt a need or interest in cross-dressing but when you add this in there maybe more baggage to accept to yourself. You don't say how old you but sometimes it takes us time to come to terms with our needs. I would google and look for cross-dressing forums - there will definitely be some and they can give you guidance and reading others stories will help you to be at one with yourself. There are other trans guys on here too.

Good luck, Simon

 

Thank you Simon for your reply.

I've checked few sites & forums including CD forums, couldn't find anything. But I did find something related in straight sex forums and mental health site. Also found some info on answer yahoo site all under straight heterosexual people. I'm still reading it, basically quite similar to what you have stated.

I'm 25 years old. I never really thought of why I cross dress. Only know that I watch a lot of shemale porn and they looks sexy and hot in dress and fantasises myself in it and I felt a lot more horny in female clothing.

Easy to dream about it but reality is a totally different things. So many factors that I never considered until now.

I'm still learning to deal with reality and I know I'll have a big a decision to make of what I want to become in the future.

Regards,

 

There is a rtansgender and transexual forum on here - have a look at 'Invisible soul' s posts, might be helpful.

Good luck

simon

 

Hey Missinglink.

That sounds like quite the experience, and though I can't say I know how you're feeling, I can tell that it must be both emotionally and physically depleting.

I don't have too much experience with the kind of stuff you've described, so I won't be able to help you out there. However, I wanted to mention that what you've experienced (you may have already found this out in your research) is called Post-Coital Tristesse, which is actually common enough a feeling that it has its own Wikipedia page here.

And here is another article about it.

It might do well to do some research into this, maybe to find how to overcome such feelings, or at least to know that you're not alone. I, too, feel this quite often, and it is totally normal, though I have no idea what causes it. Probably some hormone thing. :S

Also, something I noticed-
unless I'm mistaken, the two times you said you felt the bad feeling after sex, you were doing it with someone who was a stranger shortly before, someone who you met at a bar. The one time you said it did not feel so bad was with a guy to whom you said you've had emotional attachment, and have known for quite some time. Did you actually know this guy personally before that night?
It could be that you feel guilt and remorse for picking up a guy at the bar and having sex with him, because doing something like that (one night stands, etc.), though I will neither condone nor condemn it, generally seem to be frowned upon by polite society. But really, who cares about polite society? I'd rather not be part of the stuck-up coxcombs club, thank you very much.
I can't really tell what your situation is though. Surprisingly, your post is anything but too long. But maybe that's just my fondness to reading.

 

Hi Parkade,

Thank you for the link, I'll check it out later.

The first guy is a total stranger that I only met 2 nights before we have sex. Basically at that time I was so desperate to try the real thing that I'd go to bed with any Tom, Dick and Harry.*
The 2nd guy and 2 other guys (whom I also frequently fantasized of when i anal masturbate) also work in the same mall as me but all different companies and we met a few time during lunch at the fast food cafe but never really know them; just sometime we shared table for lunch that's all. However I don't love them, only sexually stimulating thinking of them poking my ass and I don't know why only those 3 guys out of hundreds of people working there and for sure I know I'm not in love with any of them or with anyone. So as far as reality is concerned, he just as stranger as the 1st guy.
The 3rd guy is just like the 1st guy, we never formally met in person before except that I've seen him around the pubs and heard that he is a bi guy. So basically they are all the same and that I'm just desperate and only interested in their cock and not looking forward to have any relationship. Maybe that's the reason why I fail so badly.

Regards,

 

Wow! Parkade, your link explained a lot of things I've encountered. So there is a name for it and it is common. Thou they don't fully understand the cause, to me knowing it is common and I'm not alone definitely helps me feel a lot better. I feel relief!
Also I read on mental health sites that if I not fully accepting what I am then it will have internal conflict of personality. For me, the situation is difficult. My family expect me to be "normal" straight person. How to tell them that they have a sissy son? They expect me to get married, have a family and a good job, like my brother. That's why I work in neighboring country away from them so that I can be myself, well, more like explore my own sexuality and desire.
So now I know my limits, I think I can better prepare myself and live my life.

Another thing, I cum very quick. Even when I was teenager I heard my friends say they can masturbate for 10-15 mins before they ejaculate. For me I ejaculate within few mins! At first I thought I lack experience but it has been 12 years and still the same. Is there anyway to make ourself last longer so at least I can enjoy till my partner cum 1st?

Regards,

 

Sounds like premature ejaculation, lots of guys have it, you can talk to your doctor or look online for tips and techniques

 

I used to have that problem when I 1st time sex with man. But that's becos I was not accepting myself being bisexual. Once I accepted myself as who I'm it become easier and enjoy the sex even if I cum 1st and felt a little lost interest momentary. I'll say that 1st time is the hardest - frankly I felt like being used like cheap whore! Lol! But since then I learn to get used to it and was quite happy about it. Now I don't always engage in anal sex - very troublesome cleaning and preparing for it. And also I was busy studying for my exam and my sexual activity was reduced to something like once or twice a month. But still I don't feel the way like what you have said.
I also used to cum very fast just a few years back, but now I can last up to 15 mins or 20mins (not sure, never timed myself!). I think given more time and experience you should be able to last longer. So don't worry... Be happy!

 

Thanks guys for your help. I'm feeling a lot better about myself now. I don't think I want to see a doctor - i feel kind of embarrassing. Knowing my own problems, I think that will help a lot emotionally. Have been reading some websites about how to make it last longer, I'll try those technique first.

Anyway, thank you all for your help.