wife masturbates...

OK..so here is my deal - I'd like it if I could get some mature advice from women on what to do:

I've been married for a few years and my wife and I have known each other for a long time before, when we were younger she was more sexual than she is now (we aren't old! still under 30) anyhow.. ever since we got married she is very distant when it comes to talking about fantasies and she is not up for trying new and freaky things in bed. I am a VERY horny man and still find her extremely attractive! I even get erections watching her sleep in her thong in the morning. A couple of months after we got married I finally got her to admit to me that she masturbates "occasionally" and when she does she thinks of me (she expects me to believe that??). At first I was very hurt by it and tried to get her to stop, she said she would but soon after admitted that she continued masturbating. So..being the the horny guy I am, it became a fetish for me to catch her in the act, I explained to her that I was cool with her masturbation and that I think she should do whatever she wanted, I even bought her a small vibrator (which she doesn't use). A few years have gone by and we don't talk about it much anymore, our sex life however has declined (only after I initiate/beg) about once or twice a week at MOST with little enthusiasm from her side..(lets put it this way - it feels like she is doing charity work) BUT she masturbates almost everyday, I know because I know when and where she does it everyday and lets just that I've become a "pro" at watching her secretly when she's doing it (it gets me SOOO hot!!) I hate to admit but I don't last long when we have sex AT ALL usually under a minute of straight sex and I burst..I FIND MY WIFE EXTREMELY sexy and I can't seem to get a grip on cumming so usually she is left unsatisfied. In the rare occasions she reaches orgasm, she still masturbates the next day (why?). I just feel like she has this freaky side that she wont reveal to me and It makes me crazy, I mean come on she can't masturbate almost EVERYDAY and tell me she's not a horny person!!

What I am trying to get at is:
How can I make her be more freaky,horny and open minded without restricting her masturbation because I LOVE the fact that she pleasures herself it turns me on just writing this. How can I get her to use her vibrator on herself without sounding pushy? How can I get her to initiate sex once in a while? PLEASE don't advise talking to her about it, because every time I've tried that she just takes it as a joke or pushes it to side and changes the subject.

Thanks for listening - I love my wife and I just want to have great sex with her and enjoy her!!!

 

First of all, stop being upset at her masturbating. What the hell man? I'm sure you masturbate all the time. GEt over it.

Second, a woman is only as horny and dirty and kinky as you can make her feel. If I were you I think I'd learn to lick pussy and then do that until she cums. After that she wont care if you only last a minute or whatever. I can uderstand her need to masturbate and lack of enthusiasm if you're getting in, cumming, and getting out in a minute. You have to make her want to have sex with you. give her incentive.

 

^this is probably good advice

I get what your saying about talking about it, when a woman doesn't want to talk about something, trying to get her to is like slamming your fingers in a door over and over.

Her masturbating isn't your enemy, a woman who masturbates gets better at cumming, and if she can get good sex from you she will want it. She may still masturbate but she won't do it as an alternative to sex.

As for getting better at sex, there are lots of things you can try. For one, don't pressure her, pestering is very unsexy to a woman. It makes you like a whiny little kid. Learn more about pleasing a woman, read books on it, get techniques you can practice, besides the advantage of giving you new things to try, you can last longer by focusing very hard on paying attention to her pleasure and trying the things you've learned, this will distract you from cumming. I can't tell you which techniques will work on her because women are all different, so try a bunch, but if trying makes you last longer that will help, and be sure to focus on being aware of her pleasure, what she likes, learning to sense her pleasure will make you a better lover. Kegel exercises are a good thing for you to try also, they are great because they give you more control, make your erection harder, and make you cum stronger when you do cum. Another bit of advice I can think of is to pay attention to how she masturbates, some women cum easier from penetration, some from clitoral stimulation. If she seems to be rubbing her clit a lot either angle your body to rub against that area or get your fingers down there while you are insider her, this may take effort, but concentrating on that, again, will probably just help you last. If she is mainly working inside with her fingers try to pay attention to how she does it, speed, angle. If she seems to be focusing high and shallow, as many women who masturbate by inserting there fingers do she is probably more of a g-spot fan, so you would want to try positions that aim you at the upper wall of her vagina, edge of the bed, missionary with her rump on a pillow, or from behind with her laying almost flat (have her in a more regular doggy style for entry). Most importantly, take the long strategy at this, if you give her better sex over time she will want it more, you aren't going to get her sex crazed in one week. Just keep thinking that, long term plan, when you feel like whining or begging remember that moves you backwards, and when you do get sex, look at it as a chance to try to pleasure her better. Don't worry that you will get less pleasure this way, you will enjoy it more as you get better at making her feel good, and if you last longer you usually cum better. You hopefully will be married for many decades, so don't let your extreme hornyness sabotage you here, because you will want to just break down and beg to get it right then.

I'm talking from what worked for me here, I kind of did it twice, I got my wife to the point where she cums every time and so she wants me all the time, but then another dilemma was that she never wanted to give me oral. So again, I had to think long term and not beg or bargain, but wait until she decided to give me oral and always follow it by giving her a few orgasms in return. I know it sounds bad, like training a dog, but it's not really, it's just making them feel that they can rely on you to give them pleasure, well I guess that in a way that is like training a dog, but it makes you both happy and if it gives pleasure to you both and is done out of love it's good.

 

gosh you write alot. Hold on and give me a while to read everything

 

Stopping the whole secretly spying on your wife masturbating might be a good start. Then as her outright what you can do to please her better. Tell her you really care and want a good sex life, and you're open to all kinds of ideas, even if it's just mutual masturbation or whatever. Get to the bottom of your problems by talking to her. Don't carry on spying on her, it's weird.

 

It's not weird, It's literally the only pleasure I get from her. It's the only time I can see her enjoy herself. You can't blame me for that. I just want to get her to be less conservative EVEN when she masturbates alone. She is the "keep all clothes on, close the legs and stick a hand down there for a minute quickie type" she isn't the naked legs spread wide type, although I try to encourage her to be more open minded shes just too conservative!! BTW I don't masturbate or watch porn, my faith does not allow me to so watching her is where I get my kicks and the only time I cum is with her so you can understand the backed up stress!!

 

Well then I would add to my advice (TALK TO HER) that I think you should drop your faith and have a good wank, for christ's sake. No wonder you've resorted to spying on your fully-clothed wife to get a few kicks. Seriously, crack on some porn and give it a stroke. You poor being. You're a highly sexual creature. Don't deprive yourself because the superstitious told you it's dirty. What exactly are your reasons for not doing it? A book, or fear or burning to a cinder once your body is no longer functioning, or what? You've most probably had a wank at some point in your life.

 

It sounds to me like your sex life/marriage is in shambles. If you have to resort to spying on your wife to get off, there's some deep underlying shit going on there.

I think you need better communication OUTSIDE the bedroom. Most of the time, if a woman distances herself sexually, there are other things eating away at her.

And sex twice a week is bad?! I'm lucky if I get a minute alone with my husband once every few weeks because of our crazy schedules.

However, I am never in the mood for sex if he does something that irks me or pisses me off. Open up to her and get her to open up to you about things outside the bedroom that she may not have ever told you.

 

Okay, first, you seriously told her not to masturbate? Seriously? Are you so insecure about your own sexual prowess that her masturbating is a threat to you in some way? Do you masturbate? If not, you should try it. The amazing thing is that YES, you can in fact do it while thinking about your partner. Try believing her! Maybe she would have shared the thoughts she was having with you.

I suggest that you start masturbating to learn a little control, that way she won't be left unsatisfied all of the time. Mutual masturbation...it's a beautiful thing! Learn some new skills, stop worrying about her masturbating (Its hers and she can play with it any time she wants to!) and stop trying to catch her.

Why do you care when she masturbates? If you're not satisfying her is she just supposed to stay that way? So she masturbates the next day, so what! If you didn't get off during sex wouldn't you want to find release? If you are thinking "It's never happened to me" do your wife a favor and try it sometime. Don't cum! Just pull out and see how it feels to go unsatisfied. Then ask yourself a question, how much would you want sex if you were always left unsatisfied by your partner?

Have you tried talking to her? And, no, not just about sex. It seems to me that there is a lack of communication, and probably not just in your bedroom. Personally, I think your seeking the answers to the wrong questions, but thats just my opinion.

 

You guys, I am not religious at all, but if you claim to be open minded you should be open to other people believing things that don't make sense to you.

This new detail does shed some light on things though. I think if I never masturbated I would cum pretty fast too unless I had just had sex. I think masturbation is part of how a man learns control, we wank it like 5 times a day or more through our teens. But if you can't do that because of your faith I'm not going to tell you any different. Would you be open to the idea of masturbating together with her? Would she? I'm guessing that would be a hard conversation to have. But even if you are religious (christian?) I don't think any of them say women can't masturbate, they all have a bit somewhere about not "wasting your seed" or something along those lines.

It is hard to get through these kinds of long standing embedded discomforts. She probably has been told for a long time that sex is for procreation and not clean and such, depending on your specific religion and sect. But the approach I explained before is still what I think is best, take a long term approach, give her massages to get her more used to enjoying your touch. I don't know what your beliefs allow and what they don't but focus on giving her pleasure in whatever ways she is comfortable with and over time the range of things she feels comfortable with will grow. Do it thinking about your love for her and if it matters that much to you, thinking about your holy union under god. With sex, and in fact with life, the trick to making it enjoyable is to focus on what is enjoyable now, not something that will be really enjoyable later, so don't look forward to cumming till you're cumming, when you are just rubbing her shoulders think about how nice she feels, when you are kissing her enjoy that moment, and when you are insider her feel her body respond to yours. This will help your patience, your lasting your ability to give her pleasure, and even your own pleasure.

 

If something makes no sense, I'm going to say so. If something is harmful or illogical, I will say so. Especially when someone is asking for opinions. All ideas should be open to criticism, and that includes religious ones. That's open-mindedness. Religions don't come with any special immunity or automatic respect simply for being religions. If someone finds it ridiculous, illogical or harmful, they should be free to say so without it being picked up on. If it had been anything other than religion or spirituality you wouldn't have picked up on it. I also never said he couldn't believe whatever he likes. I just gave my advice.

This man is depriving himself and potentially harming his relationship because he feels like he shouldn't be masturbating. My advice would be to stop doing that and start getting healthy views about it, for the sake of his body if nothing else. He must have some mean blue balls by now.

 

I'm not even sure what to say here. She's masturbating because you aren't sexually satisfying her! You know what I do after a wham-bam-thank you, ma'am kind of screw? I wait til he's asleep, then I finish the job myself! You can't be in, out, and asleep and expect her to just be satisfied. As for making yourself last longer, I don't know what advice to give you there, since you are apparently against masturbation. Maybe think about something else while you're at it? Baseball or something?

Sounds to me like a serious case of sexual frustration to me and the ONLY way either of you will work through this is if you do it together. Try new things, maybe incorporate that vibrator into your mutual sex life next time, spend a little more time on foreplay. If you can't last long during penetration, then hold off on that until she's either had hers or is super close. If you want her to want you, you have got to put some effort into making sex something she looks forward to. No one wants to just lay there like a stump for a couple of minutes of pounding, that's not pleasurable, it's like robot mating.

Here's another little bit of advice for you, she's wanking fully clothed because you've shown your disapproval of it, not only in expression to her, but by refusing to partake in it yourself. You are telling her it is wrong and that she shouldn't be doing it, so of course she's not going to just strip down and lose all inhibition, especially when she knows she could be caught by someone who apparently finds it immoral. Even worse that the person who looks down upon it is her husband, the person who is supposed to love her and accept her "flaws". Listen, buddy, you got yourself in deep when you scorned masturbation in the first place, you put up a big sexual block and only you can work to bring it down. It's time to stop thinking about yourself and your needs and put her first.

 

qft

 

You guys....myself or my religion does not frown on female masturbation- just male masturbation and i used to masturbate when i was younger and yes i did last much longer in bed because of it. I will not and can not masturbate any longer so please stop telling me to - i need to find a different solution. I encourage her to masturbate all the time (when we talk about it) and i try to hint out ways to be more open about it and get really steamy (instead of the clothes on hand down the pants kinda thing). The bottom line is she probably just loves to masturbate more than sex now because even when i do try the massage and the extended foreplay she just says " i want to go to sleep, lets just get this over with" from the outside she wants to appear as if she has nooo sex drive at all but i know she does she is horny and must have fantasies because she masturbates almost everyday!!

 

Sounds like a tough situation. Most things you could do to help, such as trying new things she probably isn't open to.

What if you just keep going after you cum? You should stay hard if there's no break in between and since you just came you'll last longer. I know it might not be a good idea depending on how she would take that, but I'd hate to just tell you there's nothing you can do.

 

good advice has already been given by other posters, so i'll just add two things :

u should believe her. the fact that u dont satisfy her sexually doesnt mean she doesnt love u, or that u arent her fantasized lover.
i was in a long-distance relationship for a long time, and i masturbated a billion times cuz my guy was far away, and trust me, he was the only person i was thinking of, each and every time.

but talking to her about your sexual life is obviously the only way u're gonna get problems solved. what did u expect when u married her? that things were magically gonna work out without ever discussing problems with your wife?
if she refuses to talk, u gotta make her listen. point out the fact that u're unhappy, that your marriage is threatened. tell her u wanna please her sexually, that u will do whatever it takes. tell her u're gonna be gentle, that u're gonna do everything she asks u to do. and also, tell her its alright if she masturbates, because it is.

 

Apparently you are very attracted to your wife.
Is wife open enough to give you a blow b4 sexual intercourse?
I myself last a lot longer and in the orgasm zone awhile longer too if I got a blow during foreplay.

 

It may be the case that her lack of interest is related to you rather than to sex.
Men who become obsessed with changing their partners sexual behaviour quickly become unattractive, even if she masturbates to fantasies about your body.

(Whew. I managed to get that out without telling you to talk about it with her.)

 

lol...MikeE....

Regardless, just like what others have said, find a way to last longer.

 

I was thinking this too, there would have to be something a little more going on there.

Did something happen in the bedroom that might have turned her off??

Hate to say it but could she have a piece somewhere else??

Best of luck to ya tho