I came out today - it's a big deal for me. I have struggled with accepting my sexuality since my late teens - I'm 33. So I've done it, or at least made a big step on the road to understanding myself better and accepting myself better. I told mum how I'm feeling and what it is that has made me so unhappy over the last ten years: That I am bisexual and that i've never been content with labeling myself 'straight' or 'gay'. She took it as I knew she would: In her stride with love and compassion and advice. I explained that I've had relationships with women but there has sometimes been 'doubt'. That's how I can describe it best: 'doubt' rather than a specific drive or fantasy. Just doubt that I might be more content, more fulfilled with a man. Not always sexually but emotionally as well. That I could possibly be more content at this moment laying next to a man rather than a woman and vice versa. A major bugbear is that I've never had any contact with a man so I'm still doubting an aspect of myself and wondering what I'm missing. I know I have to act on that and I will accept what I find and take it in my stride. I have been tormented by being 'in the closet'. I took a small aspect of my overall character and blew it out of all proportion to life in general and have granted it far greater significance and potential for worry than it deserves. I have hidden it from everyone for a long time (for no valid reason that I can think of in the warm light of day- other than an idea that people would respond negatively). To be honest, I'm at the point where I don't care about other people's reactions to it anymore - I can't worry about them and I can't control them. The only reactions I care about are those of my family and of Emma. She is so lovely and I ache for her, for her softness and love. I want to make her happy and to make happiness for myself. Is that realistic? Who knows? I do know that it's not a bad starting point for two people. But I can't move forwards without a better, more realistic understanding of my attraction to men. I didn't expect this attraction to her and it has been a catalyst for me to progress from a bit of a stale mate situation in life. Emma is an exciting and daunting prospect for me and I want to love her, fuck her and support her. The thought of her with another man makes me jealous. These feelings would be more than enough for most people to pursue a relationship but I don't think I can commit to her without understanding my sexuality better. I will not make the same mistakes as I have in the past. Moving into another relationship without experiencing what I think I'm missing would be foolish. I'd be staying in the closet again. My mum said something interesting that I'd not thought about much - that people hide all sorts of things from each other in relationships for the good of the bond and the fear of judgement. I agreed with her but I'm not sure it's ideal. I know it may be hard for a woman to accept that her man is bi but I am inherently honest and open and would love to be able to share that with my partner. So I suppose I'm attracted to people I have 'chemistry' with not exclusively to men or women, I do not identify with being gay. That, after all is what we're talking about here: 'identity'. Most people take it for granted. So I am on the only path that feels right, the one that will lead to self acceptance, self awareness and contentment. Thanks for reading. If any of you guys or girls can let me know how you cope in your relationships i'd be grateful - are you always open - do you feel the need to be? Thanks:2thumbsup:
dont hide ur attractions from ur partners!! celebrate them! Remember that sex is a gift! Respect sex, respect your partners, and expect respect in return you will never go wrong
Congrats!!! Dont let others disagreement of your ways sway you,NOTHING WRONG WITH WHO YOU LOVE!!! God bless
