I seem to have opened Pandora's box.

I was first introduced to LSD around this time last year. I was at an outdoor rave when someone approached me and asked if I would like a hit. I had been searching for 'Lucy' for quite some time, then out of the blue she found me. I had a drop placed on the back of my hand, and without so much as a thought... I lapped the droplet up. Things got pretty weird after an hour or so, I had no idea what to expect from the psychedelic experience.

I felt very out of place. I soon decided a highly crowded place with plenty of flashing lights and extremely loud music was not a good setting for a first trip. I left to find refuge at a near by friends house. Now this rave was a tad out of the way, It was held at an old replica castle. It was around 2:00am, I had to walk through woodland and try to find the road.

Dark shadows seemed to be running under my feet. I could hardley make anything out it was so dark, and anything I could see was distorted and shape shifting. When I finally found my way out things seemed allot, better.

Everything was so colorful and energetic, I was amazed by the tracers. I loved waving my hand in front of my face and seeing the motion trail.

When I got to my friends house things got rather intense. I was beginning to panic, I lay on by back and took a deep breath. I stared up at a light fitting on the roof and watched it breath. I found myself becoming more relaxed. I started to appreciate all the weird and wonderful things I was experiencing.

I enjoyed the rest of the trip, but didn't experience anything profound or spiritual.

About 6 months past before I next met up with Lucy and, like the first time... She found me. I friend called me up to tell me he had managed to get hold of 4 blotters and if I would like to come and trip at his place with him and his girlfriend.

"Sure, why not" - His misses had one hit, we had one and a half each.
We smoked a few spliffs and waited.

I began to have sudden bursts of excitement. Like A ball building up inside me and bursting out with laughter.

It was all fun and games, very funny for the first couple of hours. I looked behind me and could see faces everywhere. I looked in front of me and everything seemed pretty normal. I looked behind me again, I was scared, I remembered the feeling. I'd felt this before.. It was my childhood nightmares. This was the scary side of my imagination, I forgot all about this. But all the things I feared as a child became frightening again. This is when I released I had no control over the way I feel about things.

I shut my eyes, but there was no escape. All I could see was mathematical geometric shapes moving and twisting in every direction. The thoughts that accompanied the imagery where even more bizarre. Like a crowded room of non-sensual chatter.

I accepted the fact I was having the dreaded "Bad trip"

I opened my eyes, My friend and his girlfriend had left, I was alone... I then accepted the fact I just have to ride it out. Thats when my thoughts calmed down, I felt more in control.

Things became clear, my trip was life stages. My trip was coming to an end.. I was convinced I was talking to God. (I was an Atheist, completely ignorant towards any idea of god or religion) My trip flashed before me, I saw what I accepted became true. I saw how this applies to life. I was told: "Accept it, Enjoy it, Be humble" Up on hearing this or rather, tripping it.
I burst out in to tears. It was so simple. I saw life as a puzzle, and I had been given the key. I was grateful for what I had learned.


I spent the next few months feeling uplifted, I was truly content.


Lucy didn't call for a while. So I set off to find her. As luck had it, there was a new vendor in town.

I tripped multiple times, and learned so much. Each trip left me feeling wiser. I was convinced acid was the answer to everything.

Over time, Lucy has taught me to believe in believing. Things only become "real" if there is faith. Alongside many other things.

I haven't tripped now for over 3 months. But I have been reflecting like crazy.

As I am drifting to sleep I find myself thinking about some deep stuff. Generally questioning reality... Almost asif I could fall through it at any moment. I have recently found myself questioning, "Am I alone? Do other people exist, or am I just projecting all of this, If things happen through belief, then am I just seeing what I want to see and making it real for myself. Am I nothing more than the dream of a higher consciousness.

Every question I answer just raises more questions. I cannot shut off these thoughts.

I loved the spiritual enlightenment, but now I seem to think I have opened some kind of Pandora's box. I'm beginning to think I'm going insane, I forgot how I used to think and how I used to see the world. And I can't help but think this journey might be best taken blind.

Any thoughts? - Or do you think another trip might clear this whole thing up? :beatnik:

 

Hey Sid... I can deffo relate to some of your thoughts and experiences. Many similarities to my first experiences years ago.
In my experience, the thoughts and feelings you had have the amount of value you place in them.

Myself, I feel there is value in the idea of "accept, enjoy, be humble". Life certainly is like a puzzle, I don't think Lucy is the key but she is surely a tool. One of many.

In psychedelic folklore you'll see this is a common theme. It's not, at least for me, other than the value it adds to your life. Trying to integrate the lessons is one of the biggest challenges.

You may not even realize how deeply wise that is, the nature of reality. Spend some time with that concept.
Questioning reality is a very important aspect of critical thinking. It isn't a bad thing to not take everything presented to you at face value. It's a crucial skill.

I don't know if this helps at all, but here's my take. From what you wrote I seriously doubt you are going "insane". Rather, you're still trying to integrate what you've experienced. Opening Pandoras box... well yes, perhaps. You are certainly a different person as a result and only you can decide if that's a bad thing. From what you've written, I don't think it is. My advice would be, continue to lay off of trips for a bit. Reflection is good, it's how we make decisions, assign value to things, and move on. If you can, avoid "thought loops", I have the feeling that is what is adding to your discomfort. If you get caught in one, acknowledge it and move on to a different subject. These things bounce around in our subconscious and are worked out in our REM dream state. So don't think you're ignoring it by avoiding getting too caught up in them. Time will work them out in your sleep even though you don't realize it.
You're the only one that can decide if you want to go back to Lucy. However the fact that you've had your world view dramatically changed is not a sign of mental instability. This is a result of change in perspective so go easy on yourself. You seem to be a thoughtful, reflective person so acknowledge your lessons and experiences, find how they fit in your unique "puzzle" and use them the best you can. :sunny:

 

Just try to keep a positive outlook on things, paradoxes are meeting, this new knowledge is going to shift the way you look at things, you must reintegrate your current life with your new ideals and inspirations.

Answers always lead to more questions. It is the way of the world. Your not going crazy you are just experiencing this at a peak level.

Just sit back and watch those thoughts. Don't get involved with them, just sit back take a deep breath, and take note of them. Relax and just feel yourself, breath, come back to earth.

Lucy is a great tool, but not an answer in itself. Take the positive you have learned from using it and apply that to your everyday life. Soon enough those things causing anxiety's will fall away. The delusion, paranoia, and fear associated with it will subside, and the light will be revealed. Just try and see what lucy has really taught you and let that grow and help you.

 

Consider yourself lucky, since you've been enlightened to the truths of the world.

 

One must be able to have the gift of sight to even come up with such absurd and self-shackling options.

I know all too well the heavy weight of constant existential and metaphysical musings, but I decided long ago that I would bear the weight of it all rather than cower in the darkness. If you ever read the INCREDIBLE, world famous multiple award winning Sci-fi/Fantasy/Genre nuking books :



In them there is a caste of society which, for reasons like yours, has taken it upon themselves to remove their pre-frontal cortex, self-lobotomizing themselves in order to become un-self-conscious animals. It is not suicide, it is self-cide. Incredible read, though written in incredibly difficult language and with very dense plot and literary devices . . .

-Aldous Huxley

 

are first time acid trips generally easier for ppl who have been hevy pot smokers for long tie, or does that usually not make a diff?

 

I can't say myself, although I had smoked for a few years before my first experience.


Some really good words of advice and encouragement above... there's some cool cats hanging out here.

 

Honestly, I would recommend taking more of it. I have found that a very helpful way to get over some of these questions that you are facing is to, straight up, try to get yourself back in the lucy state of mind. But you definitely are not going insane, unless you think you are. I find that you get out of lucy what you put into it. Just don't overdo it. But from the sounds of it, you are nowhere near to overdoing it. I usually trip at least once a weak, and I don't think I'm even close to overdoing it. But follow what your heart is telling you to do. If you feel that you need to take the lucy, then take it. Just don't take it because you think it's right. Make sure that your heart is on the same page. Remember what Ken Kesey once said: "Every acid head knows that he is taking the drug, so that he will eventually stop."

 

I don't think it would make much of a difference. Having tried a wide variety of substances might make it easier, as that will allow you to better observe changes in your physiology, and it would be easier to remember that it's just a drug, but the first trip is probably gonna be pretty weird for just about anyone.

LSD can be an amazing spiritual journey, but only if you also contemplate life's mysteries when sober. It's not automatically going to bring you any revelations, at least not for most people. I use it as one of many tools on my path to enlightenment, but I have introduced people to it, and all they got out of it was an excellent time, no spiritual profoundness, because they were not initially that way inclined.

So, another trip might clear things up, but take some time to process what you got from your last one, don't rush into the next trip with expectations of clarity.

 

thank you for your feedback all of you- and i LOVE ken keesy- i am the female version of Jack McMurphy in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest That is in my top 5 of all time favorite books AND movies!

 

Good insight, that is.

 

- Thank you voyage. You have put my hectic mind at ease. :sunny: By the way, Fear and loathing is an epic read.

Wise words Mr. Writer. I am very intrigued by this book. I think I may have to give that one a read.