Here (Help me discover why I typed this)

I am.

Less than five months ago I subjected myself to something I would have never imagined being involved in.

Mid winter my mother found me a cheap house and bought it for me to stay in, was only four thousand dollars, and is not a bad spread.
A man that she had do some work on the house was and likely still is a total crack pot.
He was messing around in the basement with the washer and dryer/gas line.. and left the gas line OPEN!

For two months I was living in nothing but natural gas, the house should have blown up many a time. The pilot light to the furnace was not far from the natural gas leak . Just wasn't my time to blow I suppose.

Kind of comical now that I look back upon it, there is a room in the basement where they used to dump coal into, I wanted to make it a meditation room. So I cleaned it up, barely, and went down there in the mornings, unaware that I was sitting in natural gas.

I was in college at the time, my grades went to shit. I really stopped caring about some things that were important to me.

It was during this time that I involved myself with a married woman.

We shall call her Susan, she is a recovering addict like myself and didn't want to be at her house where her husband was because he uses drugs. It was February 17th, 2011 that night. The date that her father died and she didn't feel stable enough with herself to be around drugs so she hung out with me at an art/music show for a while then it got late and we went to a jazz club. At the jazz club she told me that she loved me, I thought in my head, "Shut the fuck up".
It got later and she eventually came back to the house of natural gas and we ended up having sex a few times.
Not once did I stop and think, "She has a husband."
Even though the sole reason she didn't want to go home was because her husband was there with drugs!

So we started seeing eachother regularly from that point on and it was just a fucking mess, pun intended.

He eventually found out, she had cheated on him numerous times in the past, so it wasn't a huge shocker.
She said that she met him when she was 19, she was clean before hand in NA but relapsed and ended up meeting this guy; Charles.
She said that she thought she could help him, then soon into their relationshit she realized that she could not but was too scared to leave him because she knew where all his grow ops. were and the Charles friend always talked about wrapping people up in plastic. So she was scared, stayed with him and got pregnant because she thought, he is getting old, he should have a child. She had such low self esteem that she didn't even think about herself in that matter. She ended up being with him for what would have been six years. The first child was a daughter and the next was a son. After becoming pregnant the first time, she married him.

She was telling me that she wanted to get a divorce, so I encouraged her to.
We kept seeing eachother, he threatened me many times.
One time after many threats on my voice mail, Susan needed to grab some things from her house so she could stay with me ( ), and I went with her to her house and even inside and talked to her husband.
I figured I'd have to see the guy some day and from the sound of the voice mails figured he wanted to see me.. he didn't have to much to say except some childish blabber.

She did eventually file for divorce, she wondered how she would get him out of her house. On the day of her official filing for the divorce I called her to make sure she was going to her appointment and he answered the phone. I was like damn it all I hope I didn't mess that up for her.

I called back moments later and she answered and then the phone got hung up. He had put her in a choke hold and whatnot in front of the two kids. She ended up calling the police, getting a restraining order, and filing for divorce all in the same day.
Later, he said that Susan and her lawyer orchestrated that whole event to get him out of the house.

I saw her much more after that point.

Eventually I got the natural gas line taken care of, after it was fixed, I opened up all the windows and I took a deep breath after a while and could actually breathe. I walked into my room and it was so fresh feeling.

It is day five since I have sexed/seen/talked to her now.

I do not know how many times I have "ended it" with her.

I just kept going back despite the fact that she treated me in some areas that was not at all ok with me. She said sorry so much and gave me a lot of lip service in more ways than two.

Don't really know why I am writing this, I don't think the dialog box can fit all of the garbage that I could type.

Long story shorter, I wanted to help her. Just like she wanted to "help" her husband in the past.

I had good intentions but my actions were mentally retarded.

I love her very much and truly have to let go of this sickness.

There is a saying in the program, "Two sickies don't make a wellie."

I know I have my problems but I definitely don't bring as much baggage to the table in regards to a relationship.

I would very much like to have a healthy working relationship with a female someday. I can safely say that I do love me today though and that is the first and foremost important thing if I am ever to involve myself romantically again.

They also say you are only as healthy as the people you attract, that is scary in regards to me attracting Susan, I blame the natural gas and my penis.

Finding healthy (mentally, spiritually, physically) people is a difficult thing ESPECIALLY in the United States.

I think I probably felt compelled to type some words about this situation just because it has been difficult letting go of the attachment to that relationship, the "comfort".

It seems I always have to go until the pain gets great enough then I will let go. I definitely had enough pain with that relationship.

It is just absolutely ridiculous the fact that she is still legally married and there I was wondering, "WHAT THE FUCK am I doing?!?!!?"

I know that my doing this separation from her will let me in on some better opportunities should they present themselves in the future.

No relationship should cause so much needless suffering.

By myself I have such a peaceful life with my cats Dracula and Wilfred.. and there I went really shitting on everything by involving myself with her..

My freedom is here inside of me and that is why I am writing this.

Thank you for reading.. quite a novel I just typed out.

 

Gas is a helluva drug.

One time in highschool we accidentally left the oven on after making potato skins. Leno was absolutely hilarious. Leno.



You need to look at the parallels between your relationship with him, and her relationship with you. But you also need to examine the relationship more deeply and decide whether she is any good for you or not.

You've said a lot, but it was mostly about her and the overall situation. How does the relationship affect you?

 

that was neat..you type exactly the way i read

just short enough paragraphs that i dont wander off

 

She is not good for me at all. I just have a hard time letting go of attachments sometimes.. especially when sex is at hand whenever I want it.

I didn't really get into how the relationship affected me because it would have been much more to write.

Let me type now I suppose.

The first red flag went up very early on into the "relationship."

She neglected to tell me that she had had HPV in the past, had a wart removed when she was 18 and never had an outbreak since. Mind you, this is after I already had sex with her a lot, a couple times unprotected.
Her justification not to tell me was that she was "scared", first that I would be mad and second that I wouldn't want anything to do with her. She also had an STD test not long before we had sex and everything was negative for that.
This pissed me off so much because of the principle of the whole thing, even if I can't contract the virus when it is not in out break mode.

Being with her and everyone involved was like swimming in a pool of negativity.

I'm not sure what the next red flag was, I don't really remember.

I really could not handle being around her children, it was very hard for me to accept. I can accept it now that she is not in any way in contact with my life.

If they were my kids they would have been raised differently, the little boy is about to turn two, I could not stand listening to him scream. I like her daughter a lot but even she threw negativity at me, literally at times.
In the car on the way back from going out of town and she threw a nerf foot ball at my face, I tried to keep my cool as she threw other things and called me names.
I'm just not prepared to take on someone elses family. Like I said, had I been raising two kids with a partner I deemed healthy, they would be acting much more different than the way Susan's kids are.

Not too surprising the way they are considering both parents are drug addicts and come from fucked up families.

The next red flag was probably the fact that she would talk to Charles about me. WHAT THE FUCK!? No common sense, and of course he used everything she said about me against her and I.
In one example she was in conversation with him one day and told Charles that I was uncircumsized and that it made her happy to know that her sons penis will not look weird when he is older as Susan had never seen an uncut penis.
REALLY?!?!?! You are going to tell the person you are married to, about the penis that you cheated on him with?

The next red flag was a multiple occasion thing, she could never be on time for anything and took forever to get ready, even when the kids were not with her at the time.
On one occasion, she told me she'd be back at a certain time to take me home. She over shot the time that she'd be back.
She was over an hour late and was literally a two minute drive down the road, not even two minutes.
If she would have called to tell me why she was late and that she was doing something important it wouldn't have been a big deal.
When I expressed my dissatisfaction she exclaimed, "Its not like you have anything important to do."
Clearly showing no respect to me as a human being.. for the record my cat had just came home from the vet from getting a tooth pulled and his front claws out and needed someone to be with him.

The next huge red flag was a couple of weeks ago, we were finishing up watching "I Love you Phillip Morris" (great movie) in the morning laying on her bed.
Charles called and she answered, the kids were with him, there was really nothing that needed to be talked about. She would always listen to his bullshit on the phone and end up being really frustrated and yelling at him. So naturally I would use common sense and tell her, you don't have to talk to him about anything but the kids, don't tell him what you are doing, don't tell him anything.
So many times, I told her to hang up on him. Most of the time she would.
This particular time we were watching a movie and I had to pause it so she could talk to a ****** about nothing.. not my cup of tea.
I whispered, "Hang up the phone."
She ignored me.

I gently pulled on her wrist motioning for her to move the phone away from her head. She ignored me. I whispered some more.
I was getting annoyed and I pinched the corner of the phone in between my index finger and thumb and pulled on the phone a little. I could tell she was getting annoyed with me, I stopped and she did end up hanging up on him.

She was all pissy because of what I did.

We continued watching the movie.

One minute later there was a loud banging on the door. I thought, "What the fuck is that?"

She jumped up and looked out the window, and exclaimed that it was the police.

I was thoroughly confused and was attempting to put my clothes on. She had already made it downstairs and was talking to the officer.

She then called me down as I put on my last article of clothing.

The officer and her were at the bottom of the stairs, I walked down and asked, "What happened?"

The police officer had a look of genuine concern mixed even more with what the fuck am I doing here on his face.

He then asked again if everything was alright and left.

I was clueless.

Then I learned that Charles had texted her asking why she hung up on him when he was "apologizing" to her.

She texted back while we were watching the movie, "OneLifeForm was ripping the phone out of my hand."

He called the police.

I told multiple people this and the first things they said was that she still has a connection with him.

Need I write anymore of this embarrasing mess, I involved myself in a very stupid situation, and developed a very deep concern for this person and ended up getting shit upon more than once.

It is in my best interest to not interact with her in any way.

The first gal I had sex with reappeared in my life as a friend and she is going through an end of a retarded relationship so it has helped to have one another there to talk to/relate with. Just having her there to talk to takes my mind away from that sickness that I became addicted to and makes it a lot easier to go without.

Today is Day 6! I've made it past day six before.. but you know what happened there; Penis.

Some might think it is ridiculous that I must count the days and take it as seriously as I do, but I am truly an all or nothing person so I must be as vigilant as possible in ending this for good.

So if I remember, every day that I am successful in this endeavor I will write Day __, until I am completely over and done with it.

I am still horny, goes along with being 20? Oh well.. I've went months without that before.

I'm in the pursuit of happiness.

I am aware that pursuing happiness is punishable by death in America so I am counting on the fellow HipForumers to not alert the authorities.

 

she sounds weird...maybe you should just keep in touch for the sex but cut off all emotional ties

 

iggy:iggy:iggy:

 

Nah, I can't deal with it anymore.

I care about her too much and when I involve myself even in just that way I see her situation and it doesn't make me feel better.

It brings out a controlling aspect of me and makes me want to fix what I cannot fix.

I can only change myself, I deserve to be treated with respect and I havent received that by being with her in any way.

One day should it come my way I would like to have a healthy romantic relationship.

I am aware that I am the common denominator in all of my relationships. Truly speaking though if I met someone who was like me in many ways I would be very pleased.

I have set my standards very low in the past.

I'm not too concerned with being involved with someone in that way at the moment but, should I be in the future, I'd rather it not be what I have given myself in the past.

I wouldn't mind having sex though as long as it is not with her. There are many prostitutes around the area in which I live...

 

Are you insinuating that OneLifeForm, BBAD and yourself; stinkfoot, are all PIGGYS?!?!?!

 

Noooo... never, not a chance, no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no- never ever EVER no-no-no-NO...

Well, maybe.

 

How dare..oink. excuse me.. you!

 

here's me and my girlfriend:

[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rN4eRQLvu6c

 

Time to just end that. Too much drama. And I doubt that natural gas made you pick up this unhealthy situation... That was your own poor judgement, don't blame it on the gas bro.


Treat yourself better and be done with her crazy ass.

 

wow. i'm just trying to picture what a $4000 house looks like.

"2 sickies don't make a wellie" generally. i'm actually heading to a wedding tomorrow of two ex-cokeheads who met in rehab and have managed to keep each other clean for close to 3 years now. it's usually true, but every rule has exceptions.

 

I don't see how you can keep taking her back. Are you usually such a glutton for punishment?
Be stronger this time. Remember what you want.

You know what you need. You know what you want. And you can have it. But you have to stop dealing with all this bullshit.

I wanted to find a beautiful woman to love my whole life. I didn't want the drama or negativity that my parents had; I didn't want the head games and infidelity that people around me had. So, when I met a pretty little girl that was fun to be around, that made me feel comfortable; I treated her right and let her know I wanted to be treated right.

I was upfront about all my faults and vices and possible conflicts (among them atheism and cannabis); I courted her for a few months first got to know her, and after we kissed I made it clear that I just wanted to be with her and have fun, but that I think there could be something serious there. I was her first (she was mine) and she wanted to take it slow, so it was over a year before I had sex.

But we did it right, and we're still together, and I love her more every day.

And before that, I might've settled on this or that slut, if I was luckier (or less lucky, depending on how you look at it); but I might not be where I am today if I did.

Stay away from the hoebags and drama queens, and if you can't do that, keep it to a night. Find yourself a good girl, and don't even bother with a relationship until you do; cause it's not gonna lead to the happiness you desire.

 

I think you mentioned NA.
If she was a drug, what advice would NA give you about taking her?

 

Doing that now.

 

lol It is a nice one bedroom house. A lot of room for my cats and I.

It is also a buyers market. I don't know where you live but pretty much the entire U.S. homes arent worth anything.
There was a guy who bought a mansion for 12,000 dollars in Detroit and I doubt the mansion was in really bad shape.

 

I kept telling myself that it would be different, ignoring all the garbage and living in my head in some fantasy b/s or something.

Thank you for your response.

 

NA would tell me not to use, Just for Today.

Which is exactly what I am doing, because it truly is that fucking difficult to where I have to keep record of it, just like I do my clean time from drugs.

 

Dude, you obviously have a lot to say and a lot to get off your mind.
I really think you need to look at and talk about not her or your relationship w/ her but about things long before that.

In what you have written I see a lot of fear of yourself.