The It's just wrong joke thread

What satisfies 9 out of 10 people? Gang rape!

 

I was holding my mate's new baby daughter,when she suddenly burped.
He asked if I'd like to wind her.
I thought that was a bit harsh-so I just gave her a dead leg.

 

:rofl: Bad - oh so Bad!!

 

I promised the g/f I'd be back by midnight-12 'o' clock on the dot.
Well,the beer was flowing,and I got in at 3am,just as the cuckoo clock went off.
I knew I'd be in the shit,so I made 9 'cuckoo' noises,then tip-toed upstairs and into bed.

Next day,she says "You need a new cuckoo in that clock".
"Eh? Why?"

"Because last night it cuckoo'd 3 times,said "Oh fuck!",cuckoo'd 5 times,farted,cuckoo'd 3 more times,said "Oh,bollocks to it" and fell over the coffee table,before coming to bed and spending ten minutes trying to get it's trousers off!"

 

what was the two things missing from the Million Man March?

A mile of chain and an auctioneer

 

What's Cuba's national anthem?



Row,row,row your boat.

 

Hippies are a breed all to themselves. Like the hippie that was sentenced to die in the gas chamber. Die hell. When they checked to be sure he was dead, he was sucking on the outlet " Hey man!! Turn the gas back own!! I was just starting to get a good buzz."

 

what did casey anthony give her daughter for her birthday?

a garbage bag and a pool party

 

I've bought some lycra to match my bicycle,but my mates say I look gay.

Not having that,so I've painted flames on the wicker basket.

Grrrr!

 

Casey Anthony is pregnant..

 

Lololololololololplplolivjaka. That is very wrong.

 

How come a chap that plays guitar is considered good,a chap that can play a guitar AND play a harmonica at the same time is considered brilliant,but put that little bit of extra effort in and add cymbals between your knees and you're instantly a prick?

 

God forgive me.

Know the difference between Sarah Palins mouth and her vagina? ---- Her vagina is only responsible for one retarded thing!!

 

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

-Keep the tip.

 

"Daddy,what's an abortion?"

"Go ask your brother".

"But I don't HAVE a broth..............oh".

 

What's the difference between a blonde and a kit kat?

you only get 4 fingers in a kit kat!


How do you get a fat chick to bed?

peice of cake


What did the vampire say to the school girl?

see you next period..

boommm

 

this should be new zealand dik

 

Ok-----this one is for Puggybear, and it is a true story:

In the book, 'Baby and Child Care,' Dr. Benjamin Spock suggests that if the baby is having trouble feeding, it would be good to widen the hole in the nipple by inserting a sharp needle.

(For all the Americans, in England, a nipple only refers to the human anatomy. What we call a nipple on a bottle----they call a teat). -------Well, I thought it was funny when I read about that...

 

I have holes in both my nipples Wolfie...they're both pierced.
One bar and one ring,so I don't get confused.
They were done by my mate Nettle,when she was practising for her piercing certificates before she opened her own shop.
She actually practised on me 9 times,9 piercings,that was in 1998 and they're all still in place 13 years later.
Nettle got her own piercing & tattoo parlour that year,it's still going strong,so I have my uses.

 

OK....The Nipples Account For Two Piercings, May I Be So Bold As To Inquire

Where The Other Seven Are....?



Cheers Glen.