well Im starting something here, Im not sure what maybe you can help me decide. here is my piece: A conversation for the gals back home. Never will they believe a tale of this magnitude, without taking me for a fool. I assure you however that these things are not the workings of a mad man but a completely sane portrayal of the entire affair as it happened. It wouldn’t be hard to see why they would be jarred by it’s magnificence. Some folks just can’t handle the true nature of thing’s, preferring only to buy into the facade of the thing. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So what do you think?..
I guess what I was wondering is whether this has the stuff to pull your attention in... If I started my story this way would you want to keep reading?
Not with that poor grammar and punctuation, I wouldn't. And it's a bit clumsy. Sticking a few extra words in in a few places would make it more understandable. If you're lookin to grab the reader then you should try some more shocking language, maybe, and try to include the reader, especially if it's in the style of a narrator. Now this will make a conversation for the girls back home. Never could they believe a tale of this improbable magnitude without taking yours truly for a fool. I assure you, dear reader, that this tale is not the workings of a mad-man. This, hand on heart, is a completely sane portrayal of the entire affair, exactly as it happened. It wouldn’t be too hard to see why the girls back home would be jarred by its* magnificence, even I feel a little jarred about it and I was there! The absurdity of my story aside, I guess some folks just can’t handle the true nature of things*. Some folks only see the facade. That's better. But that's just me. See how I try to include the reader? By acknowledging the reader, then by insisting on convincing the reader. *GET THAT FUCKING APOSTROPHE OUT OF THERE THIS INSTANCE YOUNG MAN AND IF YOU EVER USE AN APOSTROPHE LIKE THAT AGAIN I WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN, GOD HELP ME
hahaha YES! I agree 100% with mustlive; however, I would try to find a way to bring the reader in without blatantly addressing them.
Yeah, blatantly addressing them is a bit corny, I suppose. Referring to the reader in obscure ways can be quite fun; using "children" or "campers" instead of "dear reader", is that what you meant?
Goddamn Mustlivelife that is the kind of feedback I need! I need people to point out what I am doing wrong, thank you for your honest feedback. I rewrote and changed that bit from what I had posted. I am trying to include the reader more. I am also currently working on the story that this snippet is going to and I would like the same kind of feedback. I am new to writing for others. I have written plenty in the past but it was solely for my own entertainment so it might have seemed like a bunch of nonsense for readers who aren't me. I need to spend more time trying to make my story relate with others so they can better understand where I am coming from.
I'm very glad I could be of service, blaino, you're very welcome! Keep posting on this thread if you need any more critique, I'll do my best. Read your own work and pretend you're an idiot and need things explaining, then you know whether other people will understand it and if it will flow. Example: "Never will they believe a tale of this magnitude" What magnitude? Is he talking about a large magnitude or a tiny magnitude? I would be an idiot in not understanding which magnitude in the context of your prose but it makes it idiot proof to describe the magnitude! And thus, even for an idiot, it will flow and be understood. I look forward to learning more of your story.
Ok so I want to hear what you think of this.... Never will they believe a tale of this impossible magnitude, without taking me for a fool. I assure you however that these things are not the workings of a mad-man but a completely sane portrayal of the entire affair exactly as it happened. It isn’t hard to see why some folks would be jarred by its weirdness. Before any of this weird shit happened, I would have thought of it as crazy as well. But then there is having a healthy skepticism and being just too damned stubborn, isn’t there. All that aside, some folks just can’t handle the true nature of things, preferring only to buy into the bullshit. Of course if they can’t see the truth for what it is then I am certain that we will look like drug addicted fucks who had nothing going for us. And deserved everything wrong that happened to us. While this might have been true for some of the parties involved, it wasn’t so for others. Some of us were good natured in every way, though our peaceful vibes were shaded by our bad habits. While the others, the ones who were lost to their respective drugs of choice, well they had rotted to their core, their peaceful humanity replaced with something far worse. They had become freaks with no identity of their own. Monsters with clever human disguises used, by beings too hideous to mention, as a way to corrupt society from the inside out. All a rather sordid result of their depraved lifestyles. This whole mess started around five years ago while in the throes of adolescent stupidity. I, Kurt J., and my best friend, K. Samuel, came across the strangest bunch of people. In the most unassuming of all places, suburbia. The utopian sanctuary of the white middle class. At the time we, that is K. Samuel and myself, had been working at an un-named Chain Arts store where you could buy creative genius for pennies on the dollar, or so it was advertised. It should remain un-named as not to foul your opinion of their business based on my experience alone. Working at this store was, at times, the highlight of my day. On the best nights me and K. would smoke weed in up-stairs area of the storage room. Nobody ever went up there because it was such a god damned mess. All the stores extra shelves, bins, fixtures, and other such items were casually thrown up there in no particular order. If anyone had noticed the smell, they might have been seriously injured going up there to see who was smoking. It was a terrific place to hide for an hour to smoke and talk about the finer things in life. Aside from K. and myself there were several others who worked there who also dabbled in various bad habits and addictions. .... It is always harder to notice mistakes in grammar or punctuation in ones own work and I have never needed to pay attention to whether it was correct or not. So please bear with me.. Anyway let me know what you think.
It's not bad, I'm enjoying the style of diction; it's real smooth on some parts, more harsh on others. One thing I always eschew is profanity within the immediate context. To include such talk in the dialogue is okay, but not otherwise. Also try avoiding the use of informal suffixes such as 'ness' and 'y', simply for the sake of 'cleanliness'. You're right in stating it is/seems much more difficult for the writer to recognize and amend his own punctuational deficiencies, but obsession usually sees to the gradual clean-up of most mistakes. I like the last couple paragraphs too, you're close to hitting a more stable sense of immersion. For the reader. Keep it up!
It's interesting for you to point that out because I was a little hesitant to include the profanity in my narrative. Then I thought to hell with it and...well you know the rest. I would be interested in finding out if this is a common line for everyone.. I personally like the emphasis that a few profanities add. I guess I should start watching to make sure I don't get carried away.
True, that's all it is. To avoid it completely is merely opinion. If anything it can prove necessary in conveying the appropriate context or emotion where other less confrontational words just won't do.
I did go through and edit out some of the unnecessary profanity.. Though I do like the line, "...I am certain that we will look like drug addicted fucks who had nothing going for us." I feel it provides my intended emphasis. But most of the others have been changed for the better. Just so you know that I am taking peoples advice to heart and using it to improve on my writing.
