Homosexuality in America: A Poem (v2)

Homosexuality in America (5-12-2011)

Two guys hold hands, two girls kiss
Their hearts a flutter, they wonder, could it possibly get any better than this?
Though outside these four young lives are a mess
Together now, they know that they are blessed

Miles away, Gary's family bows their heads to pray
Among other things, that their boy's path leads back to the Way
The inspirational prayer leaves much unspoken
Like the hatred that's left their house broken

A Protestant preacher leads a double life at night
Picking up young boys downtown to cheat on his wife
He comes from a borough over so whoever he gives his dollars
Won't still recognize him, without his collar

And how many bodies lay broken in their graves
And were their killers' souls saved?

“And if a man lie with mankind, as with womankind, both of them have committed abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.” - God, Leviticus 20:13

“A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; even as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.” - Jesus, John 13:41



original (4-30)
Homosexuality in America

Two guys hold hands, two girls kiss
Their hearts a flutter, they wonder, could it possibly get any better than this?

Men bow their heads for prayer in a room in the South
The circle prays for an end to temptation together through one's mouth

A Protestant preacher leads a double life at night
Picking up young boys downtown to cheat on his wife

Some gays find their desire, while other suppress it
Some may struggle all their lives; trying to fight who they are inside
While others, lie dead; through hatred and bloodshed
Not because they did anything wrong, but because they disobeyed some christian's goD.

PS - this is why we should be able to edit old posts

 

Awwwwwww duck I'm touched

 

I like the new version a lot Duck. I think it says a lot more, and it has more of a point. I also really like that it goes from loved shared between people (in a homosexual relationship) to the irony (the last line) of the religious who pretend to uphold the values (on love) of their god.

I think that the poem together with the bible verses really simplifies the idea of love and that it is to be shared. With whom is semantics. Nice work

 

Thank you for the kind words. You and boguskyle's criticisms definitely helped.

Now, all I feel like I might need to clean up is the flow.

There was some stylistic sacrifice, but this is one of the few times I successfully edited a poem; so thank you both for that (even though Kyle isn't here =P)

 

Liking it much better than the original

If you worked the iamb out, you almost have a sort of sonnet.

 

sorry for the really late response Duck.
the new edit is definitely much better!! good job.
:rockon:

if you want further criticism, some lines are still a lil too chunky like:
"Their hearts a flutter, they wonder, could it possibly get any better than this?"
u can cut some words out to follow the rhythm more smoothly. example: the line "Among other things, that their boy's path leads back to the Way" has one too many words it sounds like. when i wrote poetry a long time ago, i found that when ur stuck writing a line, and you're trying to convince yourself it works afterwards, most likely it doesn't work. at least as intended. if that stuck thing is true for you, go take a break, or get another piece of paper to do a freewrite, and jump back in when ideas flow better.
also, you can communicate a line even though its not correct english. y'know?
just food for thought, hope it helps.

keep it up :2thumbsup:

 

Thanks for the criticism. I see what you mean on some lines, but I absolutely love this one:

 

it seems odd that the preacher goes downtown to pick up little boys and that's considered an illness to pigs...but if you like men of age and your of age that's considered a sin...like lunar said how does that fit into the new testament.

 

First I can see that you try to contradict the bible...you can not do it and you didn't achieve that , if that is in fact what you set out to do. God is not flawed or wrong or even contradictory. Men are. Does not matter if they are a preacher or not. Man is and will always be man, which is absolutely imperfect.

Also, I can sense you have little knowledge of God's words.

Satan is everywhere, tempting us into a life of wickedness. It's Satan trying to temp you and he is manifest in those inner words of all man. On another note, I understand the emerging Pagan religion now and how it is greater in number today than Christianity. Again, this is Satan.

On the Lords path, he will never leave you. If you ask and open your heart for him to fill he will guide you down in the valley in so that you can see how high the mountains are from below.

The bible can only be understood if you read it. Do not let wicked men influence you to think otherwise. There is only one truth.

I find it shameful that it is so popular and widespread to worship pagan ideals and idols.

On a technical and pure literary sense I thought this poem was mediocre, however not bad. . . just cliché and a used hat.

 

I do not.
Though, I did attack Christianity in the first version (you would be good to note that I felt that was too inflamatory and took away from my message)

The second version shows two Bible verses, direct quotes that are books and centuries apart.

I've read the Bible (NIV) cover to cover, when I was getting confirmed and trying to decide if Christianity was right for me.

Thanks for your unbiased critique and I mean that in a purely faithful way.

 

I like ur poem duck its not a used hat at all

 

I'm with rambleON, I can only look at this in a literary sense, and in those terms, this is a pretty bad poem. I hate to see when poetry is used as an excuse to write what would pass for insolence in prose. Really terrible stuff in here.

 

Lol the harshness^

 

Sorry, I have a serious lack of social finesse.

 

Any helpful points of critique? Any parts you found especially weak?

Your assumption is false. I write many styles; I didn't choose to put a message into the form of a poem; I was taking a stroll late at night and the first two lines randomly popped into my head, as I continued my walk I formulated it into a rough poem, and one edit later, here we are.

PS - thanks for your honesty, I don't mean to be contradictory and do not take exception to anything you said apart from disagreeing that I was just using the poetry as a vehicle.

 

Just....the whole thing really.
The flow in particular. It hardly even exist, and what little there is, is all over the place. The entire point of poetry is the rhythm, the flow, the spirit.
Also you express everything so plainly, which was what my allusion to prose was about.

Personally I think even the message is kind of tired, but what an artist speaks about is no business of mine.

 

Thank you. I always was a fan of melody.

I can see where the flow needs works in parts, but I definitely will not be adding structure to it.

I might also have to add more spirit; I'll give it some time and reread it, take your criticism about the flow and spirit into consideration; just not the rhythm, not on this piece.

Oh, and I owe you some rep.

 

I think my biggest problem with this piece is that you state everything so plainly.

"Two guys hold hands, two girls kiss," for example. A general rule to follow with any style of writing is to show and not tell. How can you express the exact same thing in a more original, less obvious way?

Take the second two lines in the stanza. Their lives are a mess, but it would stick in the reader's head much better if you painted a picture of their messy lives, of how they're now blessed.

I don't really think the rhyme scheme adds anything to it, to be honest. I think you could take out the rhymes and replace them with other words without upsetting the rhythm.

It bothers me that the second line is so much longer than the rest, but I have this weird obsession with order and symmetry. Thats really more personal preference.

I do see what you were going for here and I don't think the rhythm is bad. I just dislike some of the wording and I think it could be done in a less cliche way.

 

Firstly, thank you.

I've come to odds with fellow poets (and many English teachers) a lot on this issue.
It really comes down to a matter of style, to me. "Showing" is obviously really great when your going for an emotional and dramatic story, but I find "telling" is really good if you want a personal but cerebral connection with a person; for instance, if you are trying to go for a vibe of story-telling.

I might make a thread about it sometime; I'll PM you if I do

But it doesn't matter at all to the point. It does go into one life in stanza two.

Don't you think it would take some focus off of the core of the poem?

I would agree with you if I was going for an E.A. Poe epic. But I like to keep things pretty quick these days, it's the only way I figure it'll catch anyone's modern attention span =P

You may be right there. I think the rhyme scheme may add some whimsy, but it may also detract from the wording.
I plan to play with the wording a bit and see what I like best; I will take your suggestion into consideration.

Everyone hates that line; I could take away the whole rest of the poem and those first two lines would be satisfying to me.

Is there anyone out there that likes that line? =P

What all did you find cliche?
The rhyme scheme seems to have been part of it, but other than that it isn't clear to me.

 

I see what you're saying. I usually try to capture pure emotion more so than a narrative in my poetry so I don't really have much experience to compare with you.

do it!

not if you could do it concisely. If you were very verbose about it, more than likely, but if you could express the sentiment using as little words as possible but still showing rather than telling, I think the core message would stay the same.

The situations you introduced. Homosexuality and religion clashing, for example. The thing about writing is that almost every situation you can imagine is cliche because its been written about a million times before. This is where I think showing and not telling really comes in handy, because when you show a situation it gives you the opportunity to present a tired situation in a completely fresh and inventive way.