There is something wrong with me . . . or is there?

If anyone has taken the time to read the very few posts I have started on here in the last couple months then you know I'm a relational mess.

Here's the deal: I'm 21 years old. I JUST graduated college. I've been in a relationship with a man 25 years older than me since I was about 18 (started as friends moved on from there). We have never had sex, but have been physical although I've never really been physically attracted to him. However our emotional/intellectual/spiritual connection has been AMAZING! We are both freaks of nature. This world is full of people who want careers, money, and are greedy. We are not like that - we see beyond the trivial things of life. We WANT the same things, we LIKE the same things, we AGREE on (most) of the same things. It's all there. We are true soul mates.

However, I've grown a lot between 18 and 21. He's 46 - he's been married twice, has kids, has been through A LOT in life and I mean A LOT. He's never been dealt a good card in life but has the wisest most gentle, caring spirit. He has been incredibly patient with me (especially on the sexual and commitment levels) and has supported me through thick and thin.

He recently said that we NEED to grow in our relationship as he feels its been stagnant. He needs SOME kind of commitment from me.

Perhaps I'm copping out or using this as an excuse, but although I realize I am mature I feel every bit my age these days (and I don't mean that in a good way necessarily). I feel he is asking me to grow leaps and bounds beyond what I'm ready (he denies that, but that's how I feel). I am NOT ready for any type of commitment (he says he just wants small growth and it doesn't have to end up with us getting married, but in my eyes, saying you are going to be in a committed relationship means it should end up SOMEWHERE other than the dirt).

He says I'm giving up. Throwing in the towel. He says I've betrayed him. Hurt him. That I'm selfish and don't know what love really is. I've REALLY hurt him. We were absolute best friends - more than that, soul mates, kindred spirits - but I couldn't keep doing this. I couldn't keep up something I knew wasn't fair to him. I couldn't keep asking him to wait while I continue to grow.

Was I wrong? Did I make the worst mistake of my life? I've lost him as a friend, most likely. He's a HUGE part of my life. I feel in my heart I made the best decision for me.

I've taken care of A LOT of people in my life and I've been through A LOT myself. I feel I have the right to be a little selfish - however I've squashed his heart in the process.

He knows what he wants - he's been through marriage twice before and they failed miserably. He said I'm the first he ever saw potential of true love.

I can't help but feel I've made a terrible mistake - -

As a side note my mom, sister, (other) best friend, and other friends feel I've made the right decision. They saw him quite differently than I (granted not many of them were around us so not many saw how we interacted and I NEVER felt he mistreated me).

 

You cant really trust anyone elses opinions:

Your mum and older woman are just going to be pissed off you are playing in their territory. Sister could just be pissed off yours isnt a jerk, but hers is.

Other people, especially your family, can be nice to your face, may even have good intentions for you in mind, but still be acting in their best interests, what THEY think is best for you, feeling good about offering advice - even if down the track it turns out to be terrible advice.

Your family may want you to end it with this guy, go on to do the marriage and baby thing with someone your own age thats going to live longer, thinking this is the best thing for you. They have no idea whats going to happen though, you could end up marrying some guy your own age that turn out to be a complete jerk that dumps you with two small kids.

As for this guy, non sexual? Not attracted to him? - I sense you are not being honest - 21 turning from a girl to a woman, suddenly this plutonic relationship is not for you?

I'd bet good money he knew this was coming, I'd also bet good money if you dump him you'll see him with another version of you in a year - some pretty 19 yr old thing "not ready for sex" - with all her friends just assuming he's a dirty old perv, when he's in it so he doesnt have to have sex

 

I usually don't agree with vaniller goriller in these advice threads because his advice is always really horrible and silly lol, but I think he might actually be dead on with this one...

I'm not quite sure if I completely understand the situation, but given my lack of understanding I think it does sound like you simply aren't sexually attracted to this guy. It sounds like the only thing thats lacking or was ever lacking was sex, and you broke up with him before taking that step.

The age thing probably weighs in the back of your mind. I know from my one experience with dating an older guy, there was always this nagging feeling in the back of my head that he was older than me, generationally different than me, slowing down earlier than me, wanted kids and to get settled down waaaay before I was ready, had already experienced life on a completely different level than me.

You can't live your life by your family and friends' opinions, but you should take them into consideration. They love you and want whats best for you, and they also have the unique vantage point of looking at your relationship from an unemotional, distant place.

There could possibly even be elements to this guy that you are too young to see and won't completely understand until you're older. Maybe not, but its a possibility.

Spiritual and emotional connections aren't that rare. A thing of beauty, yes, but not something that only happens once in a life time. You will probably encounter many more kindred spirits throughout your life. What is rare is finding a spiritual and emotional connection as well as an intense physical connection. Not to put too much emphasis on sex, but it really is all its cracked up to be with the right person. Once you find that I think you'll realize what was missing in this relationship.

Oh, and no, you haven't made a huge mistake. You followed your heart and you need to see where it takes you. When he calls you selfish and tells you that you are making a huge mistake, he's manipulating you. If he truly cares about you then he needs to step back and show some understanding.

 

If I sound like I'm coming off as judgmental, I do apologize. It is not my intent.

There are millions of women who would kill to have the type of emotional dynamic you and your guy had — he connected with you on so many levels it was insane — but you weren't ready for commitment.

He was probably one of the few guys who would treat you like a queen, but you wanted to head in a different direction. Now, you'll probably go through a few twisted, damaging relationships with some guys around your age, because guys those age are adolescent. It was his age that gave him such a mature approach to how he treated and you rarely find that in twenty-something men.

What do you want from life right now? How do you want to grow? What do you seek? I'm not saying your decision was bad — you know what you want right now, he knows what he wants right now.

What I'm saying is that opportunities such as these are about as rare as finding the city of Atlantis and you passed on it. Que sera, sera.

 

For chryssake girl you are only 21 once. Anybody even a day older than you will tell you not to waste a moment on this sort of emotional buggery.

If this dude is as cool as you want him to be, he will be your best friend for life regardless of who you are physically or emotionally involved with.

You are very young and HE SHOULD KNOW that you have no excuse to do anything other than what feels right and good to you.

 

If you aren't ready for sex with a person, you shouldn't let anyone ever pressure you into it.

On that same note, he should not have attacked you as you say he did, for your choices. If he doesn't like your choices, his choices involved accepting it or walking away. Yelling, threatening and such are forms of abuse and once you see that side of a person, you should seriously consider what you are doing.

However... having said all that, I wonder how you would have felt if he went out and had sex with someone else in the last three years. If you would have been upset about it (or if he would have thought you would be), then you are not just choosing to not have sex for yourself, you are forcing that choice on him. If he was free to have sex with others, then that is a different story.

As for whether or not you did the right thing... only you can decide that... From the way you say he acted at the end, I would say yes... but that is only based on a few sentences.

If we ignore that (as in you may have been over stating it) or blame it on an abberation that was momentary and never to be repeated... then you have to ask yourself...

Is choosing not to have sex with him, worth ending it over. If yes, then be happy with the way things are... If not... then go fuck him, maybe you will like it... if you don't you can always break up with him again...

 

thank you everyone for your sincere comments. i really appreciate it. i still feel i made the right decision. it's been VERY hard - but he understands. We are both hurting - but working towards a relationship as friends. So that's good. Thank you again!

 

If you say you feel in your heart you made the best decision, then obviously there's your answer.

I don't care what people say, age plays a huge part in most relationships. You're 21...you still have so many things to learn in your life before you should worry about marriage and commitment on that level. Go out and do things for yourself and learn about life.