A little background first: I prefer women - only have a sexual interest in this one guy. I am leaving my girlfriend for various reasons but mainly because I can't be honest with her about this...alas I have been sleeping with this guy (safely) for about a month now. I have always had open relationships. I have a very high sex drive and quite frankly find it a lot to ask of one person. He has known me for well over a year, none of this is new information to him - well other than the fact that I've been interested in him sexually for so long and that I would someday go there - when we began having sex we immediately had a conversation about my confusion and I made it clear that I didn't know what I wanted, why I was doing this but that I just knew I wanted to continue until I figured it out. I told him I wanted to be sensitive to his feelings so that he didn't get hurt in all of this. He agreed that he could keep the emotions separate unless we had a conversation agreeing to go there. He hadn't had sex for 3 years before this. However he also has never been in love. He was the one who suggested I keep on the down low about him - not tell my gf or my friends until I figure out what I am doing and what I want. He pointed out that he is not young and naive and that he can be clear about what he wants as well should his 'live in the moment' idea not work as well as he thinks it will at some point. Whew! That was a lot of background. So this morning when we woke up and began to cuddle he blurted out, "I don't like to share!" Not knowing how to respond to that or able to even discuss it before coffee at 4 in the morning I initiated sex. Discussion tabled. (Yes, this works with women too as long as you get back to the discussion part later.) We'd been texting for most of the morning about other things when I brought up the morning comment: Me: You said that you don't like to share...does that mean that on some level you have a problem with me messing around with women? Him: I have no problem with what we got going on. Me: That's not actually an answer to my question. Him: I'm not trying to change you. You like girls. So you are not mine to share. In a long-winded message I said I wasn't offering any changes but seeking information. I offered to not mention women when we spending time together. I said I've no business being anybody's right now but I am enjoying the intimacy, sex and friendship we are sharing. I pointed out that he also has a lot on his plate at the moment (his mom is sick and he is taking care of her) too. I said I am too confused about my present to look ahead or to create any maybe's right now. I told him that I like him and I like girls and I want to give him my respect and honor his feelings but to do that I need us to both put our cards on the table as they become clear. Him: I am not uncomfortable about anything we do. Me: Ok. Him: I like spending time with you!! I felt like we were going in circles there so I dropped it. I feel like we are speaking different languages and I need a translator. When we started this involvement he said that he couldn't consider a relationship in his own life until his mom got better anyway. Is he hoping that I will forsake all others while I figure this out? Or that I don't get attached to him? Or that I simply will figure it out and make a choice already? I think that both of us were being as clear and honest as we knew how to be in the confusing situation we have found ourselves in. I get the feeling that an outside point of view might not find this such a confusing conversation. Can you translate?
I don't really have any advice. You've been as honest and upfront with him as you can be. It sounds like he does have a problem with the situation, hence why he blurted something out in the morning, but is trying hard not to show that he has a problem. I do have a question, and forgive me for going off topic a little but I've been wondering this lately. Do you find it easier to communicate with women you're seeing or is there a total communication breakdown there too when it comes to relationship problems? I've just always been curious. In the past it sometimes seemed like my ex boyfriends and I were speaking seperate languages, yet I always understand my friends that are girls perfectly. I always wondered if communication is easier in a relationship with two females. anywho../end off topic questions. I think as long as you're being honest and clear about what you want, thats all you can do. Its really up to him now to decide how he feels about everything and be clear about it with you.
"I do have a question, and forgive me for going off topic a little but I've been wondering this lately. Do you find it easier to communicate with women you're seeing or is there a total communication breakdown there too when it comes to relationship problems?" I wouldn't call it ever a total communication breakdown with women. Some play games, some are dishonest - with themselves sometimes and with me sometimes. Some try to change you no matter how clear you are with them that you are not looking for change. I think with a woman, assuming that she was trying to be as honest and clear with me as I assume he is trying to be in this situation either I would be able to get a direct answer when I said "That doesn't answer my question." or I would understand more from the evasion itself. Does that answer your question?
We can only speculate, really. We're not him, so obviously we can't translate what exactly he's implying. But what I can do is to put myself in his shoes. And one thing I can tell you the moment I do that is, I'd hate to share, lol. Sorry. So here's my SPECULATION... I think that he's talking about LUST when he says he likes spending time with you, and that he has no problems with whatever sort of arrangement you have with him. But as a man in need of loving, he probably wouldn't like the idea of sharing. I can totally relate to this part myself. I think, especially right now, he's looking for someone who really loves and cares about him deep down. Someone who would be there for him to lean on when he becomes really stressed out with his mother's health issues. I know it helped me a lot when one of my exes were there for me when I was going through the same sort of thing with my grandmother. So, the only thing I can suggest is to keep trying to talk to him... But why do I get this nagging feeling that he doesn't even realize that this isn't what he actually wants? 'Cause, ya know, it DOES sound to me like you're both using each other without really realizing it. He's using you because he can get laid when he's with you, which is lust based. And you're using him because you can get laid when you're with him, which is lust based. The difference, the way I personally see it, is that you're more aware of it than he is....or are you? A lot to think about indeed. You have mentioned the friendship aspect of what you share with this guy, yet I have a hard time detecting anything love based coming from this whole thing. Of course, that might just be because I'm a complete outsider. Maybe it's a good thing to be having sex with this guy, for you both, because maybe you'll both figure out what you want eventually. Or, maybe it's NOT a good thing because it just might make you even more confused, and you guys might end up regretting it all later. It's tough to say. But if I was him, then I would be very uncomfortable with the situation. In fact, I wouldn't be involved. Too complicated, lol. Sorry I can't really provide you with an answer... All the best!
I think he is falling in love with you and that's why he is acting so different than what you are used to. When you confronted him he got scared because he doesn't what to lose you and reacted by saying that everything is fine.
Emotionally I move very slowly, I admit. And when my body is in lust I am not spending time examining my heart. I'm also aware that just having sex doesn't mean putting my lifestyle on the line. I asked this morning what he meant what he said that, giving three options of what I thought he was trying to say. The first was,"Hey, don't get attached to me please." The second was,"You know I would like it if you would really give this a chance and take some risks here." And the third was,"I know it's just sex, but can't it be monogamous sex?" I am over-simplifying here but that's the jist. I said that I was just not able to read the signal he was sending - and that probably that is because I am pretty inexperienced with guys so I am just going to need something more blunt. I did tell him that what he had to say is important to me. He told me that is was number one - that he enjoys everything about me but doesn't have time for a relationship right now. Loves things the way they are. I told him that I would be careful not to allow my emotions to be at risk unless he at some point asked me to take the risk and I decided to at that time. Until/unless that happened I'd just enjoy things the way they are. Maybe I should of come back to check this thread before this conversation. Thing is, while I wouldn't say that I love this guy I will accept the possibility that desiring someone this much - and yes, for this long - could have an emotional aspect. I'm just not ready to look at that just yet. Also, I may end up naturally ending my other physical connections. For starters, even though we all play safe not telling a woman that you are having sex with a guy could piss her off...ok, it would. I'm too confused to want to bring in extra factors right now. So he'll end up not sharing anyway. Just for a very different reason. If he is falling for me and is scared we will probably end up at a stale-mate. I move slowly with emotional connections anyway - so after saying he doesn't want a relationship with me I'm really unlikely to go there emotionally without another conversation. It occurs to me after reading your responses here that perhaps he chose #1 simply because it was #1 and he thought that's what I wanted to hear. His safest bet in his mind. Yet if he tells me something about how he feels I have to believe that he means it. I will hope that even if he isn't liking sharing, even if he is getting emotionally involved here that he also does mean it when he says that right now he doesn't have time for a relationship. (I thought he didn't when we started this.) And that later on down the line the conversation might be able to be brought up again...preferably when I would have an answer as to what I want as well.
Of course you have to believe in what he is telling you. =) Maybe he is confused about his feelings for you and don't know how to respond to it. Take one day at a time and everything will be alright. I just have to clarify that you haven't done anything wrong. =)
Just reading over my post on this and I have to say...I am growing attached to him - lack of discussion and all...
In my opinion I am a guy and if I was in is place I would have probably acted the same. He does have feeling for you, and they way you talk about him you do as well, in a weak moment is feeling came out that morning, in is mind you are not available and he would get crush if you don't feel the same, after all you keep telling him you don't know what you want. fear of rejection for a guy is very hard to take, he tell you everything is fine by fear of losing you, hi is taking what you give him instead of risking all and lose all. Don't keep asking him if everything is ok I guy would find that nagging and just close him self been more, I guy mind is very simple with a big ego that can be very easily crush, and women does not realize that, if you make a guy feel good about himself by just simple thing not just word by small gestures he would very happy believe me man are all like that. And yes it is true we think about sex all the time, he get it from you losing mean also losing that you wrote that he did not have any sex fo a long time
Thank you Kasablanca. This helps. Things are going well and we both are learning to trust and relax more. We don't have a name for what we are doing, and he has brought his fears up to me himself now - we talked about it and really we both will make our own choices about how far to trust the other and when. In most ways this connection is unlike anything either of us have had before, just for different reasons. While exciting it can also be scary. At this point we are going to each other with our fears and concerns as they come up...that feels good.
Thank you Kasablanca. This helps. Things are going well and we both are learning to trust and relax more. We don't have a name for what we are doing, and he has brought his fears up to me himself now - we talked about it and really we both will make our own choices about how far to trust the other and when. In most ways this connection is unlike anything either of us have had before, just for different reasons. While exciting it can also be scary. At this point we are going to each other with our fears and concerns as they come up...that feels good.
Thank you Kasablanca. This helps. Things are going well and we both are learning to trust and relax more. We don't have a name for what we are doing, and he has brought his fears up to me himself now - we talked about it and really we both will make our own choices about how far to trust the other and when. In most ways this connection is unlike anything either of us have had before, just for different reasons. While exciting it can also be scary. At this point we are going to each other with our fears and concerns as they come up...that feels good.
