Sometimes I wonder about my mental health...

Where to start? I'm going to try and make this as concise as possible, but it's hard, because the way I feel is all too confusing, even for me.

I guess the best way to put it is that I've been kinda depressed for a really long time (and anxious from time to time) - on and off for years . I've read up on the criteria for severe depression (even though I try not to believe in that stuff), and I don't think I have that. I know for a fact that I've never felt that way for 2 weeks straight (Which is part of the criteria). I can always eat. Sometimes I have no appetite, but I find that if I force myself to eat, it helps my mood from slipping any further. I can usually sleep as well.

The thing is, I have these instances, lasting anything from a few minutes to a maximum of a few days where I just seem to feel like total shit. I don't feel like seeing my friends, I'm in a bad mood, I feel this huge sense of dread where I'm hurt inside, not really seeing ''the point'', not really understanding why I feel this way, and just wanting to feel at peace. Something just doesn't feel right. I don't know how to or if I should cry (havent done so since childhood), but it feels like there's something stuck inside me. I feel like I'm the most depressed person I know, and that in itself is depressing. Then I'll wake up the next day, or from one minute to another I'll just ''snap'' out of it and be cool again. I never seem to be 100% though.

Suicide scares the hell out of me. Not in the way that you think, but in a way that when I hear about people who took their own lives (which is actually what triggered this mood today), I feel helpless and hopeless. Kinda like ''oh man, if this or that person can't make it, how will I?''. The LAST thing I want to do is commit suicide, but for some reason it haunts me. I'm very afraid of that.

When I get excited about something, I seem to always have this sense in the back of my mind that I shouldn't be. Like if I'll crash if I get too riled up (which is actually what tends to happen). I usually start to feel better, plan some stuff, hang out with friends, and then it starts to feel like it's too much and I'm back to square 1.

I've been in therapy for like 5 years. Yes, there's been some progress in how I live my life, but it seems like no matter where I go, this feeling like shit follows me around. I've been medicated, it has helped, but I'm really trying not to take that route.

There was also an 8 month period about 2 years ago which I felt like I'd never been happier in my life (and during which i was not medicated). I moved out from my parents house, broke up with a girlfriend I had that had been weighing down on me for years, went to Costa Rica, was in the best shape of my life, was motivated - everything was GOOD! Then I got a new girlfriend and just let myself sink. (We've been separated since Tuesday).

I know what you are thinking, you think it's the girlfriend thing, but I sincerely feel that there's something else. There seems to be this need for me to isolate myself, and be alone, because I know how sad I feel inside and I feel like I need to be able to be alone and feel like shit (hard to explain). I see my friends building lives with their women, buying houses, and I can't even live with mine.

That being said, I have the best friends I could ask for, I have a nice place, I make lots of money, I'm good at playing music, I'm good at sports, I'm smart... I'm not saying this to boost my ego, but it just seems like I have everything I need. I just... feel broken for some reason. I want to find my old self again (even if it was a brief period of time). I miss feeling great, and open to what life offered me and excited about the adventure...

I was thinking that maybe a strong psychedelic experience may help me sort some things out, I have discussed it here several times over, and I will have a psychedelic experience, but I am not expecting it to be a ''magic'' dose that will just fix my life anymore.

OK, sorry for the super long post, but I'm just hoping someone will have a little something to help me a bit or atleast point me in the right direction.
:bigear:

Thanks for reading if you made it this far

 

if you are already doing the meds and therapy and it hasn't worked, the next thing that I would recommend would be to get acupuncture and chinese herbal medicine

you might also want to have an md check you out for any medical problems that could be causing your depression

you could also try a different therapist or different med

try to get a 1/2 hour of low impact, gentle aerobic exercise everyday. try to eat well and avoid processed foods, chemicals, and sugar.

you might want to check out this book,
"Curing Depression with Chinese Medicine"
http://bluepoppy.com/cfwebstore/

for many people, getting high can make depression worse in the long run. you might want to try giving it a rest, especially if you smoke heavily

hope this all works out!

 

Just want to make it clear that I am actually NOT on any meds right now - I'm trying not to go that route.

 

you may have to to get better, but I would say try the acu and chinese herbal medicine then

 

Well, thanks alot for your reply e7m8, it's very much appreciated! 41 views and you are the only person who replied :/

I guess that's what I get for writing this long-ass post!

 

I can relate in that I've felt similar feelings at times. Feeling like dark shit seems to follow me around.

Life is full of ups and downs. You mentioned that you have money and work and music and all that and how it's great, but maybe that's not what you're really looking for.

Look back at what you described as the best time you can remember;

You didn't mention money, work, music, etc.

You were single, free to do as you please, you were in a new place (a very beautiful one), you were in good physical health, and you were motivated for whatever reason.

Maybe you should to recreate that. Get in better shape, maybe go on a vacation, etc.

Not to critisize at all, but the more we focus on things the more real they become, I know this all to well. You mentioned that you've been in therapy for 5 years. That's a very long time for a young, otherwise healthy individual to be in therapy. You might be seeking a remedy for something that doesn't have one.

If you focus more on what is good and what makes you happy, and focus less on the "problems" that you're trying to get away from, you might notice they might just go away. Depression and anxiety has a snowball effect, definitely. If you spend a decent amount of time focusing on them and what is causing you grief, the grief will become greater.

Just know that all life is ups and downs, that's just the way it is. You can't focus on the downs because there's always an up somewhere up the road.

Based on;

it sounds like you're holding yourself back. I do this myself. Sometimes if I get really excited about something, for whatever reason I tell myself in my head that I shouldn't.

I'd say just don't listen to negativity, not even your own. As for when you hear about people who have commited suicide, it's got nothing to do with how you cope with life. Instead think of the good things in life and how it's sad that person couldn't see them.

Life is what you make it. Don't tell yourself you shouldn't, don't sit around assessing yourself and how you feel. Even if you feel shitty go out with friends, go exercise, etc. The older you get the faster time goes, make the most of it. And don't be afraid to tell people how you're feeling, chances are many will have felt the same way at one time or another.

 

IMO, I dont think it was the length of your post. I, for one, am not qualified to make a suggestion as to what you should do. I could offer some advice, yet I feel I may send you down the wrong road. Perhaps others who have read feel the same. Mental health/depression is not to be taken lightly, nor should people who got their Doctoral degree from a Cracker Jacks box, start pontificating about the subject.
You made a great start by sharing. That in and of itself, is the best first step. Knowing you have an issue and realizing you want to conquer them is a great stride to beating this demon.
IMO, most times, medication masks a problem, rather than fixing it. We, as a culture have become satisfied with the quick-fix, rather than addressing the real problem. Also, unless you can stay under the effects of a psychodelic experience for the rest of your life, that will not fix the problem either.
Find a good counselor that will help you dig deep, maybe into the distant past. Although it maybe emotionally painful, perhaps you will discover the root of your issue.
Anyway, sorry for the long repsonse. Again, this is just my opinion, based on very limited knowledge of your situation.
I hope all works out for you.

 

this.

It sounds to me like you're overthinking things. True happiness requires a certain amount of zen, an ability to live completely in the moment and focus on what is external to you. You're living in your head too much.

You mentioned trying psychedelics. They can teach you to get outside of your own head.

 

you are not special, or different, your problems are like everybody else's. we all suffer from bad days, days when we feel we can't cope with lives problems - so quit complaining!

this is actually kind advice. take it as you will, i find the normality helps me cope.

 

Instead of trying to find happiness for yourself try to make others happy and you may find lasting happiness for yourself. I know it sounds like a paradox.

 

exactly. that is what I was trying to get at when I said you need to focus on things that are external to you.

I think depression and anxiety are luxuries afforded to rich, industrialized societies. More primitive, third world countries are focused more on the "we" than the "I." They have to be - its a matter of survival.

My advice is to find a tribe; a solid, supportive group of people, be it family, friends, or coworkers, that you can put all your energy into. Become part of a "we" instead of an "I."

 

How is depression and anxiety a luxury, I may be not understanding your wording.

There is mental illness world wide, whether it be from the smallest tribe to the largest country.

 

It's funny you brought this up, I've been thinking a lot about this lately. Depression and anxiety affect millions and millions of north americans. A lot of our problems are based on our perceptions; when they don't meet or match up with what we've been taught is "the good life."

Anxieties- "I don't make enough, what if no one likes me, I'm too skinny, too fat, I'm balding, etc".

We can get anxious or depressed when what we think what should be doesn't match up with what is.

It all seems like such trivial bullshit when you compare it to the way people live in other, less "developed" countries. I would be willing to bet that many don't experience anxiety and/or depression, due to the fact that their lives are much simpler. As you said, it seems to be rich, industrialized societies that seem to be the most effected by it.

I read recently that one of the first medical accounts of anxiety was recorded after the building of the Railroad that goes across Canada. Apparently a man was really bothered by the technology (the railroad), and it disturbed him, causing him to become anxious, irritable, scared, etc.


Anyways, the op seems to be hanging on to the idea that things could be better, or things are bad, or he feels like shit, etc. Those ideas are likely what is creating the negative feelings. And those ideas are likely very untrue. Those negative ideas clash with the reality that everything is okay, and thus the distortion created creates anxiety and depression.

Focus on what is so, not what you think is so.

 

I think she means that because we are so taken care of, by our medicine, technology, etc. here in the west, it is the result of being afforded the opportunity to not have to live daily worrying about predators, diseases, where our food will come from, where our medication will come from.

When you think of it that way, it seems like it's a luxury because it is the result of being "spoiled" by our western lifestyle.

The less we have to do for ourselves, the more time we have to worry over stupid shit that we shouldn't really be focusing on.

 

Lunar answered it perfectly.

The only thing I have to add is something my friend told me a few months ago that I think really rings true. He said something along the lines of, "When I was in high school I was angsty, depressed, I hated my parents, I hated my life. Then I went to Peru on a mission trip and realized I was nothing but a spoiled brat." He then went on to tell me how the Peruvians had absolutely nothing and he had everything, but they were happy and he was not.

 

I think that people who are poor can be happy, but I don't think that there is something magical about poverty that makes you happy.

what makes someone happy is fairly well understood. If you have good relationships, good health, something to do with your time that you like or can at least tolerate, and have your basic material needs met, you'll probably be happy. so many poor people can be happy if they have at least as much as they need.

there are also plenty of poor people and poor countries that are miserably unhappy. folks living in a war/ genocide zone are not too distracted by their poverty or need for survival to have anxiety and depression

certainly over-analyzing, comparing yourself to others, and your perspective on things can influence how you feel. I don't think that this is the primary cause of anxiety and depression though. I think that the primary cause is usually something to do with relationships, like abuse, trauma, dysfunction and isolation. other things like poor health, perspective, occupation and income also can contribute

 

this is fair enough, i sort of get what you guys are talking about - but it seems were are talking about smaller issues in a persons life. you are right, these issues would seem redundant to those who had nothing

but they can be depressed about the bigger picture, surely?

however, solid and critical posts. definitely something to think about.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOH_mioL3TU&feature=related"]YouTube - Louis Armstrong - When You're Smiling

 

When you say that you feel overly self controlled, what exactly is it that you feel you should control? If so, think about why you might be controlling it. Personally, I have been harshly teased throughout all of grades school because I had a white tongue (thrush) most of the time, and I was always the shortest in class, so the trend stuck around until the last year. It has to this day made me anti social but from self controlling too much. To me, It may sound like something more than a physical depression and more of a inner conundrum and perhaps you're looking for closure from that.

What is it that you want in your life? Maybe you aren't getting something that you really need but this need isn't material, more of an inner thing. I say that because you mention a search for peace. Think back to the kind of philosophy you once held in the happiest time in your life. You may need to reorganize the way you perceive the world and adjust it to what would make you happy. Perhaps returning to your old philosophy, but don't lie to yourself while doing it otherwise it may make things worse.

I'm getting from you that you felt in charge when you let go to your gf. There is something in there that made you feel good. Perhaps there is a little rebellious nature about you, so perhaps find something to rebel against. Many enjoy being political and others love to rebel by displaying an uncontrolled personality; a kind of, 'I am me, screw you" kind of thing.

Actually, the number one thing that comes to mind that could be making you feel the way you feel is the way something about you is being repressed. Yeah, I think that's your main problem, repression. Somewhere within the years of happiness and the years of not so happiness you became less you. What happened? Think on that.

I am not saying to become an anarchist thug who tilts over police cars but to try to allow yourself to be yourself.

That's my opinion anyway. Hope it's helpful.

- From a guy that struggles from depression

 

Another thing that I'll recommend is to do something that may seem counterintuitive. Watch/Listen to movies/songs that are down in the dumps depressing yet has an insightful something about it. For me, I watched all the seasons of Dexter and I felt somewhat cleansed from the experience of watching all those episodes.



^_^

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X23v5_K7cXk"]YouTube - Elton John - Sad Songs (Say So Much)