Dear ladies and gentlemen of the Transgender/Transexual board, I used to be an avid member of the hipforums (not specifically this subforum... little did I know!) but I stumbled across the site again and hope you don't mind but I took a peek into your forum and felt very warm to you all. It's funny how different communities each grow their own group-philosophy; every individual with their own ideas, but all within the same frame of reference. It made me feel very fondly seeing the differences and similarities between each of you and myself, as I'm sure we all do in everyone. I haven't really ever been part of the trans community. I'm a cis-gendered girl... who happened to be born with a penis and facial hair and all the rest (and no womb or vagina or any of that if we're being *realllly* specific.) That possibly sounds quite petulant but that's exactly how I see myself. I don't usually post on trans-related boards, and actually I'd certainly ask for this subforum to be moved out of the LGB superforum. (Trans being grouped with sexualities implies that being trans is a sexuality. It's not; someone who is trans or has any gender at all can be romantically or sexually inclined in the same ways an anyone else. It might seem silly to argue about, but there's such a large amount of misinformation out there that someone could think on some level that you're aroused by "dressing-up" and living your whole life as a fetish.) It's sometimes quite lonely being so determined not to let my body affect how I live my life. I obviously can't avoid other people deciding that I should be treated differently, and I don't have any friends who have to put so much effort into not taking compromises. It's not too different from being the only one of my friends with a passion for Romantic music, and so nobody to talk with about it, but a bit worse. I really admire the sense of community you guys have! One last thing. I saw some people talking about dating, and saying that the only guys who would date a girl with a penis will never be able to think of you and love you just as a woman. I strongly and truly disagree with this. To the girl I saw who said that she has accepted that she'll always be alone, please know that it isn't true! Dating's hard for everyone. The way boys and girls interact romantically is, by convention, very different. Going from a boy's typical role in dating (a lot more pursuing, louder ways of trying to impress) to a girl's (not wanting to look to eager, more subtle ways of trying to impress.) Obviously dating is different for each person, and not all people interact in those ways, but at least that's what our favourite romances tell us we should be aiming for! A driven businesswoman is probably going to get different types of attention from different types of guys than a student the same age who dresses more casual.. Lots of people have dated more than one "type" of person, but the majority of their admirers will possibly have something in common. We do get a different type of attention too in general. The guys who are seeing you as a fetish object or easy to tell, you can always see if someone's being sleazy and not trying to put in enough proper effort or emotional involvement. There are lots of these, and unfortunately a lot of them are quite used to the idea that (CD/TS/TG) are easy (and usually don't know the difference!) That's not all boys though! There are of course boys out there who will just accept you and love you for who you are, and how you make them feel. It takes a lot of trust in yourself, and love for yourself to be able to be sure that someone can adore you so much that the things you don't like, they're not even thinking about. I'm not quite there yet; I see myself as sort of pretty in my own way and can certainly think of things that someone might appreciate about me, but I still worry that people don't think of me how I want them to. The things I've worked out for myself, little rules I make my romantic decisions on, are: 1) Don't date someone who's had any sort of romantic or sexual relationship with a trans person. -It might sound a bit extreme, and sometimes it really sucks because you could meet someone really lovely who likes you as you are, but they happen to have dated someone before. I sometimes give in on this rule, but I think I should try to avoid it. 2) Complain about the way you look and listen to what they say. -Everyone fishes for compliments once in a while, but the way they compliment you will give you a clue on how they see you. I haven't had any operations yet, nor started hormones, but have had half a course of laser hair removal on my face. I can't go "stealth" so I'd say something like "Grr my shoulders won't fit into this stupid top" or "Lame! My bum's too flat." If they say "I think *it's* sexy" then that's probably a bad sign. If they say "I think *you're* beautiful." then that's better. I don't like "I think" because it doesn't seem as sure as "You're beautiful" (like everyone thinks so, and he's lucky to have you) My favourite would be if they jokingly agreed and then said something like that my eyes make up for it. 3) Use a mainstream dating website! This is probably the thing that helped me most with getting comfortable dating. I found okcupid.com brilliant. I didn't mention anything to do with gender other than the charity I work for (the Gender Identity Research & Education Society www.gires.org.uk) and put up some realistic pictures but careful not to show anything that might make people start to form assumptions about my genitals. I got plenty of really nice people sending me messages, and would email them back and forth for a while, and then if we got to talking about meeting up just say "You'll probably notice, and some people would react awfully if we met and I hadn't told them so..." You can make it sound like not a big deal, and also once you've talked to them a while you might be able to know how best to phrase it to them. The best thing, though, is that they already have an opinion of you. They've never thought "Hey, I'd like to date this transgirl" they've just thought "I'd like to date this girl. Oh, this is a new bit of information, it does/doesn't change the fact I want to date her." This makes it a lot easier to know whether they like you for you. 4) Finally a short little one, and probably not relevant to lots of people! If you happen to be a gay girl who is seen as trans, avoid gay bars and go to lesbian-specific events and meetups. I haven't tried this yet (my first is next week) but I think it's a good idea. If I go into a gay bar then gay guys will think I'm a gay guy, and so will gay girls so they won't approach me or see that I'm flirting! Anywhere I go people will assume I like boys, whether they think that makes me gay or straight, so going joining a group for lesbians is a good way of meeting people without having to say "I'm a lesbian so if you'd like to start flirting then we shall develop our relationship in that way!" meetup.com has quite a few lesbian specific groups, with lots of different focuses and interests (I've joined the London Positively Pink group, a lesbian group for people who want to improve their self-esteem and Gay Geek drinks!) ---Well, I hope you connected with some of what I said, possibly gotten some new ideas which you like, or a reminder that the decisions you've made make you happier. I'll be sure to pop in again sometime soon, and hope you each are enjoying life and loving yourself. Holly xx
