my mother isn't supportive of my natural parenting choices... :(

Hello, I'm 15 weeks pregnant and living at home for now...

I live at home only because i have nowhere else to go... social assistance will not give me a place to live until I am 8 months pregnant because until then I am not considered "unemployable" even though there's no way I'll be able to get a job right now, between the fact that nobody is going to hire a pregnant woman who is only going to be around for another 3 months or so, and the fact that I'm borderline anemic and some days I can't stand in one spot for 15 minutes without fainting!

but that's just a little background...

So, I have no other choice but to live here with my mother and some would say I should be grateful she's given me a place to live for free, but it's very stressful living with someone who doesn't understand you life choices...

First of all: my want for a home birth or natural birth... What i really want is a water birth but she doesn't understand that at all! She's very... "meat and potatoes" close minded mainstream person and I don't quite know how to deal with her... the words water birth weren't even out of my mouth before she started in at me... "oh my F***ing way, you'll be going to the hospital like everyone else, WATER BIRTH I don't bloody think so...." and so on and so forth... "what if something happens to you or the baby" etc etc... but she's just uneducated, she doesn't know anything about home births, water births or any type of peaceful birthing... the term peaceful birthing wouldn't even make sense to her... she had 2 c-sections!

SECOND... today we were driving down to the grocery store and i mentioned that i wanted to use cloth diapers... and you can just imagine how RIDICULOUSLY she reacted! " OH YES NOW, I BET that's JUST what you're going at" ... "alison don't be so F***ing rediculous, you won't be going out and wasting all kinds of money on F***ing cloth diapers..." and so on and so forth... even when I tried to explain to her that cloth diapers nowadays are so well developed, it's not exactly like it was back in the day... she won't listen, she gets pissed off and says things like "oh yeah, well according to you i don't know nothing anyway..." etc ... but as far as my way of life goes she DOESN'T know anything!

I'm afraid to open my mouth anymore, she doesn't have time for anything that may be important to me... she doesn't care that I'm different from what she's familliar with... I have many reasons for doing things this way and I'm better off doing it that way anyway!
I considered getting my midwife to talk to her once i find one but knowing my mother she'll probably go on with some crap about "I'm not listing to some yahoo go on about all that bullshit, you are GOING to the hospital and that's all there is to it"

I mean... I'm a grown woman, I'm 22 and I like to live conscious of the environment and of my health and I mean, as far as water birth goes, it's just BETTER... compared to what most women put themselves through at the hands of these doctors who in my opinion are glorified baby catchers who make sure the woman's too drugged up to have an opinion or say no... compared to that... the baby practically slides right out during a water birth...

I've actually gone to the lengths of educating myself about these things and I'm aware that if you know what you're getting yourself into and if you're PREPARED... it makes things a lot easier on you... women these days don't know how to trust their bodies and their instincts!

I'm so upset, because I love my mom and when i was away from her in the beginning i wanted to come home and be near her.... but.. NEAR her being the key point... I can't live in the same house as her each and every day! having her a short drive away from me is great but close quarters are killing me... i need my own space where I'm free to be myself and live my own life, where I'm closer to my friends who support me more in my own way...

also, i live a half an hour outside the city... the city is where i want to live, and have lived when i was in my own place on a couple of occasions before i went away for school. and that's where all my good friends live, the ones who support me and understand my way of living, who are more open minded than my family.

I know the people on here will support me, but what can I do to feel less like I'm not allowed to be myself?

 

i don't know.... i'd likely lose my shit on her...
have you tried playing nice? like, a sweet lil' heart to heart kind of thing? explaining that you are an adult and you are not her?
i cloth diaper and all that jazz and my parents thought i was batshit crazy for about the first week... then they realized that it's awesome but my parents are cool.
idk what else to say, i'm sorry she sounds like a major pain in the ass....

 

She sounds a lot like my mother, actually. I don't have any kids, but every time I'm sick my mother starts ranting that I need a doctor and antibiotics for everything. A cold does not need antibiotics. Jeez. I'm glad that she won't be involved with my babies in the least when I get them, though I expect her to call CPS at least once during my life. She used to sneak my older sisters' kids off to church and get them "saved" without my sisters' permissions, because if they had REALLY cared about my nephews they would have had them in church themselves. Oi.

All I can think of is going behind her back until that 8 month mark, then getting your own place and telling her to piss off. She can kick you out if you argue, and ohm~with~your~chi, I can't see this parent reacting well to nice explanations. If she's anything like my mother, she'll get angrier and angrier in proportion to your niceness. She's Mom, after all. She'll know what's best for you until she dies... Erg, I felt my IQ drop with that last statement.

 

It can't be that bad if it's for your mother.

 

Say what?

No, the person to be thinking about now is her baby. As a mother, she now has the right to raise her spawn as she deems fit, and Grandma is trying to steal that right. She's making all of these commands that she has no right to make, and being completely invasive.

Grandmothers have a nasty habit of deciding things without the parent's permission, thinking that they know better therefore they have the right to do so. I know a woman whose mother (The woman was a teenager at the time, therefore living at home.) decided that since diapers were so expensive the baby only needed to be changed when there was a solid mess. If the woman wasn't home, Grandma wouldn't change the baby and the woman couldn't afford another babysitter. The kid wound up with a diaper rash so bad that the family doctor had to intervene, threatening to call CPS if Grandma didn't change the baby whenever the diaper was dirty.

Granted, this is an extreme example, but grandparents need to understand that grandbabies are not in their jurisdiction. My own mother is so bad, as I showed before, that she won't be having unsupervised time with my kids when I have some. Mothers sometimes have to make these choices.

I forgot to say before, though: congrats on the pregnancy!

 

Yeah, you're right. I don't know what I was thinking. Congrats on the baby!

 

Thanks for the support you guys, but yeah... I cant really flip out at her as much as I would love to, because I learned years ago when i was a hormonal angry teenager that fighting never goes anywhere with my mother. She just turns it into a yelling match about nothing because she refuses to listen to anyones ideas or opinions or reasoning but her own.
I know the only way shes going to realize and accept that just because my way of doing things and living is not WRONG or even more difficult just because its different and not socially accepted my the masses... is when the baby is here and I do it regardless of what she says and realizes that Im doing a damn good job and were both happy and healthy!

until then, Im kind of stuck... which really sucks because my mom has one vehicle (a big disgusting gas guzzling SUV at that) which is my only way of freeing myself from my repressive PRISON and connecting with people who understand me better... fortunately I have friends who are totally behind me and my friend heather said today that she wants to be there for the birth which really makes me happy because sheès so supporting and she totally agrees with my choices. Because I can see it being the big day and Ièm in labor and have to tell my midwife to make my mother leave because she could potentially stress me out or work me up to the point of completely sabotaging my entire labor experience and making it so much harder than it needs to be!

anyway, theres my rant for tonight... Ièm babysitting my aunts dog tonight so Im going to go try to occupy myself with some crochet and try not to be stressed out... hopefully baby will give me some kicks tonight and cheer me right up... Ièm so lucky to be able to feel it already! however that means more time to have it drive me crazy hahaha... but Ièll enjoy the kicks and my little belly until Ièm HUGE and tight and ready to scream from the feet in my ribsébladderéspleen! ahaha

excuse my lack of punctation and excess of special characters... my aunts keyboard is gone all french on me and even though her coputer is the same make as mine and I know how to fix it on my own computer... it just doesnèt seem to want to go back...

thanks again for the support and the congratulations.... all things asside, baby dadyès relative absence and grandmas major close mindedness, Ièm so thrilled to finally have the bambino Ive always dreamed of! I cant wait to be a great mommy!

(oh! and THANK GOD my motherès not a crazy bible hugger... I would LOSE my SHIT if she snuck them into a church without me knowing! ... my religios grandmother will be lucky if i even get them baptised! if i do itèll just be for the sake of giving out godparent titles and pleasing my nan who i love dearly but like the rest of my family makes little things into a BIG deal... haha I donèt recognise with any form of organized religion, i dont agree with it at all, but i dont go barking down religious peoples necks and tell them theyre part of a cult, i respect that the fact that they have something they believe in and choose to express it in their own way.... I MYSELF am an earth lover or earth worshiper if you want to call it that... the only god i see is this planet and all the beautiful things it gives us despite the ways some humans have chose to use those resources... etcetc...)

BUUUTTTT I donèt need to discuss my own personal beliefs... to each his own and I respect differences and never look down on anyone... (except litterers and animal abusers)

...tht is all... I think
I need to get a lot off my chest aparently

 

Get use to it.


Seriously you are going to have a lot of people who do not support what you believe, just learn to simply smile and do what you need to do for you and that little baby that your are going to have.

Try to remember that people really are trying to help but they are not where you are or feel the way you do. Especially moms.

You know you would not be who you are without your mom so smile a little and take motherhood in stride and ride this out.

You are in control in the long run but having others in the passenger seat is something that later on in life, yours and the babies is going to count.

When this little one comes along, your mom is going to cave and think that all is well with the world and so will you.

Do not take so much to heart.

Congrats on going to be a mommy, there is nothing in the whole wide world that is such a wonderful ride.

 

Sounds like my mom. Everything escalates into yelling if you try to get her to see another besides her view and then she plays the victim.

Just do what you want, you don't need her permission. Yeah it would be great to share with her, talk and shop together, but it's her choice to alienate herself by being too hard headed. If what you want to do works, then she will see you are right, if not she doesn't have to know about it.

For example: I started elimination communication with my youngest instead of diapers and i never told her, but i did my sisters and father. One day she saw a poop he did in the potty. She couldn't say anything about it not working or being stupid because it obviously worked. She missed out on all the conversations and talks my sisters and father had about it and how amazing it was, but that was her choice by being so negative about other alternative things i did it the past.

Now she takes him to pee in the potty or toilet though. You have to be her good example because she hasn't seen it or wanted to see it before.

 

Ultimatley, it's your decision. You are an adult and while mom can make recommendations (and nag and complain) she cant force you to do anything. In terms of water births, a lot of hospitals and medical centers have a mid wifery center based in the birthing unit. In there, you can enjoy having a midwife and doing a water birth within the confines of a hospital. That way if anything goes wrong...you are already in the hospital and they can attend to you right away. When you go for your next prenatal check-up you should ask your doctor about mid wifery services in the hospital or an affiliated medical center. They might be able to let you know about water births as well. Another thing is that working with a doula (similar to a mid wife but for during the pregnancy to educate you and coach you through things) would help you connect to services and make decisions on your own.

As for the cloth diapers...again, it's up to you. Maybe if your mom is educated about the way modern cloth diaper services works she'll lay off a little. Just a thought. I have heard of cloth diaper services that deliver new diapers every few days and take the used ones (cleaned of and washed by hand) for ultra intense cleaning.

Eaither way, you sound like you are in for a battle, especially since you are depending on mom for a lot. the two of you will likely disagree on many things but ultimately it is your child and you make the final decision. Good luck.

 

It's your body it's your baby ultimately it's your choice dear. I would do the same thing and I think you're going to be a great mother.

 

First of all, you are right to be upset, and she is wrong not to listen to your choices and respect them rather than flipping out. It sounds like she's closed-minded rather than malicious, so there is hope.

But here's what I think you should do. I think you should continue as if her opinions weren't there, safe in the knowledge that you are a strong, grown woman. Don't upset her, don't fight her, but make your plans for the water birth or whatever you want. Buy cloth diapers. Show her in a calm, considerate and gentle way that you are a grown up mother who is going to make her own decisions for her baby. Be respectful if she asks about it. Say "I really value you being there for me, and your experience, but when I tried to talk to you about what I wanted you just flipped out. I'd much rather have a calm discussion about it" and leave it at that.