Is being frigid a real medical problem for women?

I'm sorry if this has already been discussed, but I didn't find it when I searched. Although, I'm not sure if I used the right terms.

Anyway, the reason I ask is I think I have it. It is very difficult for me to orgasm; either with my husband or during masturbation. It's not that I never orgasm, but it can be months in between each one, then it takes a lot of effort and they aren't very good. It wasn't always like this, only the last few years has it been a problem. It's very discouraging and has dampened my libido as well.

I still want to have sex with my husband because I feel it's an important part of a man's life. But honestly, at this point I could go the rest of my life never having it again and be just fine with that. It is affecting our sex life because I know he can tell I'm just not that into it; it's horribly unfair to him. Faking it seems to make him feel better, but I don't want to keep doing that. It just makes sex that much more unpleasant for me. Sex has become another chore that needs done. Wash dishes, put clothes in dryer, have sex, vacuum, water plants, pay bills. Sex has never been high on my list of things to do, but it's never been unpleasant or a chore.

My husband suggested I see a doctor, but I'm not sure there is really anything they could do. I'm not even sure loss of libido is a medical condition or a normal part of a woman's life at my age (mid 30's). Plus it's terribly embarrassing for me, I don't know if I could actually bring myself to speak once in the doctors office. Even here, typing this out, I'm blushing horribly. Sex is just not something one talks about. I'm just desperate and at my wits end. I so want to keep my husband happy, because he deserves it and is so good to me outside the bedroom. I don't know where else to turn. It's not a conversation I can have in my real life.

 

There is PLENTY the RIGHT doctor can do, and until you go (and I mean it may take going to 3 or 4 to find the right one), you won't know.

But I do know this: if you want to KEEP your husband, you will fix this. If you don't care about being married to a man who finds sexual intimacy important, then hey, just let this go; he'll eventually get his heart (yes, men have them) completely crushed by your lack of sexual attention and misunderstanding of how sex is related to intimacy in men; and he'll leave you.

No sex isn't the only thing in a marriage; if it were, the marriage would have been over a long time ago. But letting this problem just "drift" until you both give up on sexual intimacy is MASSIVELY dangerous to a good marriage, and WILL end it eventually.

Just my $00.02

 

Are you on birth control? Have you had any sort've surgeries or conditions that would affect your hormones? How was your libido when you were younger?

Faking it is very bad for both of you, even if it's a temporary fix. It's going to make you associate sex and unpleasantness together more and more as you keep doing it.

Actually, despite what comedians may say, the norm for women in their mid-30s is for the libido to grow (so that they can have all the babies they can before menopause)

 

To answer your questions Duck

Are you on birth control? No

Have you had any sort've surgeries or conditions that would affect your hormones? I produce reproductive hormones at very low levels and take medication for that. Conceiving and lactation where very difficult.

How was your libido when you were younger? I'm not sure. I didn't marry until I was 26 and didn't have any partners prior to marriage. Masturbation was something my husband introduced me to. Before that, I thought it was something people in movies talked about to shock the audience or for sex fiends-it's awfully embarrassing to admit that. I was raised that you just don't talk about sex or sexuality. Before we had our first child I could orgasm a couple times a month with my husband. After that things started to go down hill.

Faking it is very bad for both of you, even if it's a temporary fix. It's going to make you associate sex and unpleasantness together more and more as you keep doing it. I realize this and it's why I'm humiliating myself on this forum; to see if there is something I can do. It's taken a few years, but I have learned how important sex is to a man's physical and mental health.

Just to clarify, I'm physically "active" with my husband several times a week. I just realized that from what I've written it would appear that we aren't "active" except a few times a month or less.

 

It sounds more to me like it could be a psychological rather than physical problem. You should see a doctor but you should also ask the doctor to refer you to a therapist. Growing up in an atmosphere that represses all things sexual can certainly keep someone from enjoying sex as an adult.

 

Has your doctor ever talked to you about the sexual consequences of your condition or the treatment?

It's easy to write it off as - once the kid came along, other things became more important - and that may be the case (and is probably part of it), but there are other couples that have more children and bang like bunnies, still.
Is your relationship with your husband less satisfying than it was back then?
Does he still get romantic every now and then?

You shouldn't be humiliated I have a small cock and can get pretty overexcited. :2thumbsup:

How does he handle and respond to all of this?

 

I'll be sure to bring it up at my appointment. Thank you for that information, wouldn't have thought about it that way on my own.

I appreciate everyone's helpful suggestions and not laughing or scorning me. My husband is the best a woman could hope for, which is why I want to do whatever it takes to fix this.

On a side note, I've read some things other people have posted. Golly what people won't talk about on the internet. Never blushed so much in my life. Don't know if I'll be doing that again.

 

You should go to your doctor and ask about the side effects of hormone therapy. Decreased libido certainly can be a medical problem, since it's connected to hormone levels. Perhaps you could get different medication and see what happens?

I also think that reading about sex or discussing it with your husband might do you a world of good.

Good luck .

 

It sounds like you may have a repression induced problem.

Do talk to a doctor.

As for humiliating or whatever, WHY is this humiliating? I can tell you... that same repression!

Don't worry, it's just FINE to talk about, talk all you need to, what's the worst that can happen? You stand to lose nothing talking honestly, and stand to gain plenty.

 

Not to sound rude, but how is it not embarrassing. Sex is the most personal, intimate act you can do with another person. Besides your partner or a health care provider, who would you discuss such private matters with? It's not something that comes up on girl's night out or over coffee. Here it's ok because it's relatively anonymous, but I don't know who I'd talk about it with in real life besides my husband.

I did make an appointment with my doctor, but just told the receptionist it was about my hormone therapy. Can you imagine what she'd think if I said what it's really about,lol. My husband is going with me, in case I get to embarrassed to speak and I wrote a list of questions so I don't forget anything. It would be nice if just switching medications helps, but I'm going to ask if seeing a counselor will help. Not looking forward to this appointment more so than normal.

 

Sex, or any personal matter, doesn't need to be taboo and for some people it's not. As open to discuss as the weather, that episode last night, or what's for dinner.

It's not wrong to keep it private, of course, but it's not the only way of doing things.

 

As much as you blushed and were embarrassed to read many of the threads here, sex really can be discussed openly and seriously.

You probably figured that out already. Sure there will be some wise ass comments or some responses you will not appreciate, but the vast majority of posts will be of a serious and helpful nature.

You have already taken the advice of many by making Dr appointments. Whatever you have to tell them, they have heard before and much worse.

I went through the same thing-took it as far as an endocrinologist who checked my levels of everything, gave me medication, and talk about embarrassing, I had to give her an update at each and every appt.

She ended up giving me straight testosterone. Took it for months-no change in libido.

In general-especially this crowd-the fine folks on this forum love, enjoy, crave...sex and don't like seeing any fellow members not enjoying sex. In other words, you will receive serious adult answers that could possibly lead to you having good sex with your obviously loving husband.

Easy to say-hard to do, but try not to be embarrassed with us. We are all on your side.

 

We have grown up very differently, as I have talked about sex with my girlfriends since I was in middle school, or younger! We all talked about condoms, kissing boys, our first times, what it felt like, etc. Just learning about sex together. I'm in my 30's with kids, and STILL talk about sex with my old and new girl friends. Ex. One of my friends recently got divorced and we were laughing about how her accidentally rubbing against a drawer knob was getting her excited, since she hadn't had sex in a while. I laugh as I tell them how bummed I am that my husband doesn't have afternoons off anymore, as that was my favorite nookie time. I have even talked to women I have just met and sat across from at a mom's night out about sex!It's just fun and normal. Nothing to be embarrassed about or anything to hide. And just FYI my friends and I are all monogomous and a lot of us have only been with our husbands, sexually or have had very few partners. We are from small towns and big cities. I am curious as to how you grew up that you have not had these experiences.

My husband was my first and only sexual partner, (19 years together, now) but we do a lot of the things mentioned on this board...some that others wish they could do with their partners. We are completely honest with each other, and experiment, since we love each other, and nothing is taboo with each other. If it feels good, we do it, or if it feels bad, we say that too. It's great talking with others to learn new ways to experiment and love each other. My husband absolutely adores that I love sex, and nothing gets him hotter, faster, than him pleasing me. It's a great connection for him that I trust and love him and find him sexy. And, having that connection can lead to greater connections within other areas of your marriage. it sounds like you are pretty open to your husband and trying sexual things.

I do think you have two issues:

1) medical or hormonal. You could be worn down from outside forces of life, or low libido from kids or other factors. I have been there for years here and there. Def. something to get checked out.

2) you need to lighten up with the sex. you are repressed. Engaging in various sexual acts and talking about sex is not embarassing or unusual. They are part of our human nature and relationships, and help us to make connections with others, not just your husband.