You're alone in the feild, your sky is turning purple. The clouds are orange, and the tulips surround your pale feet. The wind is blowing, but you can't feel it. Freedom is just another was of saying you have nothing to lose. You walk down the desolate street, the traffic isn't heavy, and the dim lights flicker at the corner of your eyes like small sparks from a pitt of fire. You begin to shiver, and your breathing becomes heavy. The sight of the one you've been inlove with, is a foot from your face. You reach out, but nothing it there, you search with your eyes to try and find the lost lover of yours, and all is gone; like it never exsisted. Confusion clouds your brain and you drop to your knees. You have nothing left to do, so you cry. Big gobs of tears fall from your cheeks and die on your lips. You think of this person where ever you step, this person is always smothering your brain like a pillow case over a face, you put your hands into the air and scream at the top of your lungs, but nothing comes from your mouth, you cannot speak, you cannot move, and you are barely alive. You tell yourself, make yourself believe it's all in your head. What is reality? What is fake, what do we know, and how do we know it's the truth; how do we know it's realistic, why do we think life, isn't a dream?
be careful with the line I bolded. Its almost exactly like the line in Me and Bobby Mcgee, "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." I enjoyed the poem, I think you caught the essense of a trip nicely. I think if you trimmed it down a little, made it a little less literal and more metaphorical, cut down the wordiness some and tried to use the least amount of words possible to convey the meaning (which is the ultimate aim of poetry, in my opinion) it would improve it. Overall its a good piece though.
Wow, that's an awesome poem! I love poetry, I write lyrics and my cousin Emily writes poetry. Poetry is like painting with words, I always think, and if that poem was a painting, it's better than Picasso or Van Gogh! (only artists I know, sorry comes with dropping out of school...)
