I hate my brain, what is wrong with me??

I'm so fucking confused. Days like today make me want to die. I feel mentally ill, in a way that doesn't feel treatable. My dad has mental illnesses of various sorts, same with my brother. And I have been depressed since about 6 months ago out of nowhere. I have read that depression isn't passed on genetically, but I don't know if I beleive that. Today I had to drive to a movie theater to watch a movie with my class after lunch. I of course like always was running late. But not that late this time. But I was by myself and I had to go drive downtown and find a parking space. And finding myself overwhelmed by the traffic, and the confusing streets and no parking spots easily visible. I started having a panic attack after about 15 minutes of looking for spots to park. Why does something like this seem like such a challenge? I'm sure the other 50 students got there completely fine. It felt like it was physically impossible for me to do this simple task by myself with out the help of anyone. WHY? Do i have some mental disorder? this kind of crap happens to me all the time. Then right when I got home I started crying, out of control.

Something doesn't seem right in my head. I hate it. I have been taking focalin for the past week, which made me have another situation like this happen. But its like the focalin makes it more dramatic.. I don't get mad I just get so confused and feel really really stupid, and i feel the way i am now will turn into me being some really dysfunctional adult. Thats my worst nightmare right now.

I am growing more and more into wanting to kill myself. But tomorrow I might be pretty happy and mentally stable feeling. Its not like this everyday, just sometimes. Can anxiety cause this? I think I have some anxiety

 

In a few days, I will look back at this post and think I was just being a drama queen, but when this happens it just down right sucks ass

 

It sounds like anxiety and depression, although I'm not sure about the depression if you don't feel like that every day. I'm not usually one to advocate medication, but it sounds like you could benefit from an anti-anxiety drug like xanax or valium. Not to depend on every day, but to use in situations that you know will be stressful or to calm yourself down when you start having panic attacks.

what is focalin, something for adhd?

 

I hope you feel better. Your title made me think of this song. Hang in there!

I try to think about everything I do have going good for me when I'm discouraged. I hope you like the song and this helps a little.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYYLr2t5xhQ"]YouTube - Frank Black and The Catholics - I Love Your Brain

 

Well for a few months september through december were pretty horrible, i was depressed and crying every single day. In february I didn't even cry once. But it feels like its coming back again. focalin is an add med. I think it gives me more anxiety at times, but also reduces it at times too. But I never know when its going to be stressful. Its random.. Like last week I had one huge paper due, and I had another one due the next week. But I did the wrong one (typical thing I would do)

I just want to feel mentally stable, all the time. The add medication doesn't even help me much at all with focusing.

Can spending too much time by yourself cause mental harm? I feel like its starting to effect me. I haven't left the house in weeks. Besides school

 

Absolutely. This is just a personal theory, but I think the reason the rate of depression is so high in America is because we are such an individualistic society.

Humans are social creatures. We thrive when we are sharing love with other people.

 

I think thats one of my main problems, its so frustrating being alone. I have zero friends right now, how I would kill to have a best friend.

I do have a girlfriend, but I haven't seen her in the last 2 weeks, its a weird relationship. She hardly talks to me and when we do hang out she just wants to come over and we talk a bit and then end up having sex. Then she falls asleep.. I hardly know her even since we never talk.

 

I feel ya man, it can be hard to make friends. Are you a shy person? Is there anyone in any of your classes you think you could get to know better and maybe hang out with outside of class? It can be intimidating trying to befriend somebody, but if you keep in mind that everyone else wants to make friends just as much as you but probably don't know how to approach other people either, it makes it a little easier.

Maybe you should tell your girlfriend that you're starting to feel like you don't know her very well and ask if she wants to go out one night, do something fun and get to know each other better over dinner.

 

Yeah I am pretty shy usually. I'm not in a very good situation, I'm in my last semester of high school and I go to a focus art school. But over the past year and a half the school has changed so much and so many "straight edge" goody freshman and sophmores go there. Definatly not my type of people. Last year I had friends, but they all either graduated or I realized they aren't the best people to be around. Theres one person, but hes moving to norway as soon as he gets out of school to live with his lady. I don't want to get close to somebody and then lose them. And at my other school I only have 2 classes, in which are groups of people who are mainly sophmores.
And since I do nothing out side of school, like sports and whatnot I have no ways to meet more people besides the ones Im with all the time now

My mom just took my brother to the ER, he's been suicidal recently. That isn't helping how i'm feeling today one bit

 

hey sorry to hear that this has been happening.

If you are feeling suicidal, you can check out www.suicideforum.com to talk about it. If you are in a crisis and want to talk to someone on the phone, www.befrienders.org has a list of hotlines

You may want to see a doctor about getting some medication. You may also want to mention that your focalin prescription may be causing problems.

 

sounds like anxiety and major depression. talk to a shrink 'n get some pills yo

 

You can only find the answers within , try meditating. I felt the same way you did for quite a while. Depression and anxiety are almost always internal conflict.

 

I feel for ya dude. I wonder if knowing your traits would help you feel better about yourself. There are 3 main areas in Astrology that can help us to see our personality: our Rising, Moon and Sun Signs make up the majority of the energy and Behaviors we are made of and possibly just knowing who you are may be enough of a boost to help you get past this depressive state.

Knowledge is power and knowing that you are different from others because of your Signs does help us to appreciate who we are. Knowing the traits of our Signs also gives us more power to understand our abilities and direct our lives down a better path.

Go to our3minds.com to learn more.

Hope this helps!!

 

leopards, ive dealt with something similar to what you're going through, only ive been having issues since the fifth grade. I was placed on concerta and lexapro, and every night i would stay up and read because i thought my parents were trying to kill me. I tried to kill myself by taking a handful of tylonel then, but it didnt work, like all the other times ive tried; ive taken 40 500 mg tylonel my sophmore year, my junior year i took 20 lortabs (5/500 mg) and 20 xanax (1 mg) and still am here. I stopped taking my ADD meds my sr yr of high school and it helped with the suicidal thoughts caused by the incessant anxiety that surrounded me, each day and every day in every situation. Also, i learned that i had bi-polar disorder and when i was eventually placed on Lamictal 6 months ago, i have not thought of suicide since, and my anxiety is greatly diminished (almost too much, for i dont want to do any of my homework for college anymore).

 

Leopards, a major feeling I get from your post is you are ashamed, frustrated and angry because your brain is "messed up". You need to remember that you are human, and though it may seem that everyone else is doing everything effortless, try and remember, how many times have you struggled and pushed through the day, whereas to an outsider you might just appear tired, or even "normal"? Visually, mental disorders are often invisible, and your feelings will only worsen if you beat yourself up for not being "normal".

I'm not sure where you read it, but depression definitely has genetic and environmental components, and if your dad has depression growing up with him likely transferred that depression on to you.

Depression and anxiety are tremendously difficult to endure, but the fact of the matter is there is no need to bite the bullet and focus on negative thoughts and shame shrouding your mental illness for this makes it all that much harder. There is help available, a lot of help. Medication, exercise, diet, meditation, music, many forms of counseling, acupuncture, ECT, and so on and so on. Often, the harder issue is figuring out what works for you with all these options.

I am a huge advocate of education, so read up. No, not on wikipedia, go to a library or read reputable articles, look in the DSM 4, find out as much as you can about how you are feeling and what the options are to feel better. If some form of treatment sounds good, do it. Do what feels right, but the major thing to remember is don't give up. Relief is available even if it takes a while, just try to remember that there are always multiple options, a hard fact to remember when deep in depression, so being able to confide in a family member, friend, teacher, or counselor can really help.

Best of luck and lots of love

 

Its just a ride man, try reminding yourself that

 

great post.

I just want to add: this is your life and your responsibility. Don't put it in the hands of some doctor. Seek help, by all means; but choose your professional help wisely. You want to find someone that you click with a little, feel comfortable talking to you, is obviously listening, and seems to be a decent human being.

There are psychiatrists out there that just want to write you a script and get paid; and there are psychologists who have grown cold.

 

How are you doing, Leopard?

 

Being depressed totally sucks when i was depressed, about a year ago, i closed myself off from the world, cried perpetually, and was silent for like a month at one pint. i tried to kill myself 3 times. so basically, i know exactly how you feel, and i promise, it all gets better

 

anxiety tends to show itself in traffic. on the bright side despite how lousy you feel anxiety is treatable. there are some medications like cymbalta that treat anxiety and depression simultaneously.

you mentioned having no friends and not really liking the people at your school anymore. i suggest getting a job where you interact with people. then you have to socialize, you'll meet people.

also just go places alone. i've met great people by venturing to weird places by myself. parties, concerts, clubs, etc ... make it about meeting friends instead of getting laid and you can get lucky that way too.

as for school and your brother. i agree being around a negative dramatic family can make life suck. for me the only thing i can ever do is move out. i know you are in high school but consider it because its not impossible. this is your last year of high school so that's really a good thing and something to look forward to.