Meditation making me feel sad and depressed?

Hi guys, first post here...

I have a question about meditation and sadness. I'm new to the whole meditation thins (only been at it for a week), I already have felt alot of positive effects from the meditation. I feel more relaxed, I sleep better, I am generally in a better mood - HOWEVER, it seems like its making me depressed...

I'm used to depression and anxiety, have been dealing with that for a while, but now its like the anxiety is gone but it's replaced by this strange sense of sadness. I havent cried since childhood (im now 25) so I dont really know how to deal. I dont know how to ''let go''.

Ive been told for a long time that this repressed sadness is most likely the source of all this anger, anxiety and depression, but now I'm kind lost in this new awareness of mine.

Maybe its just a coincidence and the meditation isnt causing this, but I was just wondering if anyone had any insight...

p.s. I did a few days of mantra meditation and a few days of ''lifeflow'' meditation. It's binaural beats and isochronic tones. Im not sure I like it though, im not sure if it just puts me to sleep or if im meditating...

 

When you sit with the contents of your mind you experience all the mind has to offer, from the instinct for self preservation to the sense of gratitude, every level of emotion.

 

It's fine and I think of it as a cleansing. Let your self feel whatever needs to come up, out, and be released.
We do not want to hold back all of the stuff inside of us if our goal is to be totally free

 

yes well i've had that same thing happen, meditating also makes me much more prone to noticing my pains...it intensifies sensations, I end up slowing it down because I have too much pain to meditate as much as my brain would like

 

When I first started meditating, I had this problem frequently...I was doing basic breathing exercises and using music as I was new with it. The depression did go away and it is very common to start off meditating and having depressed feelings afterward. Keep with it and find your style of meditating and the feelings will be easier to control in the meditative state. For now, see it as a cleansing.

 

You absolutely must let go. I remember my very first meditation's a few month's ago. I came upon meditation because of the immense sadness and guilt that i had culminated over 5 year's of being with my first lover. We gave away and it rattled me to my core, i didn't know it yet, but i was swallowed by depression and sadness for month's. Time eased the pain but everyday i found myself thinking about her. I knew i had to do something, i had wanted to put her behind me, but i knew i couldn't, that was impossible, i realized i still had these feeling's because i still loved her. After i realized this it completely changed the way i percieved the emotion's, i realized those 5 year's taught me so much about life and myself, her love completely changed me for the better and instead of loathing in regret for what occured between us in the past, i would cherish that beautiful connection i made with her, i realized this love is beyond anything this material world could ever provide for me. I decided to try meditation in an effort to come to term's with my past, to explore the love i had come across with her, to forgive myself, truly, for what i had done and to live on with a clear head for i knew these meditation's would not eliminate her memory, i knew that for me to continue past our love, i would have to ocmpletely change the way i saw the situation and my thought's to it. I had a break through one night, 2-3 night's into meditation, it was unlike anything i had ever experienced, i remembered the agony i felt the day we went our seperate way's. She came into my room and we had a talk, knowing completely well what was coming, i felt her energy, the complacent look on her face. I knew it was the hardest thing she had ever done, i knew she still loved me, but something compelled her to do it, our relationship was in a rut because of my action's, i was a stupid kid.. the guilt was eating away at me month's prior to this, so you can only imagine how i felt when she walked through that door. Needless to say, i never cried to profusely in my life, i felt like i was literally dying, i felt a huge weight in my gut and chest, like if my being was caving in on itself. She could barely bring herself to do it, i knew how hard it was for her, but yet, it felt like it was the best thing to do, she had dealt with my bullshit for the past 2 year's and couldn't look past it anymore. My mumbled, choking word's of regret could barely escape my mouth as tear's streamed down my face, it drove her to tear's aswell, she tried caressing me, sitting down next to me and holding my hand and crying on my shoulder, telling me it would be alright, that we would still be friend's. The energy in the room that day was truly unimaginable. This event awoke me it seem's, and i have since used this to propel me in my spiritual path, i can show compassion to other being's with ease because i know what it's like to be in hell, i know what it's like to suffer, and i know what it's like to love and be loved. Please, please, i implore you to let go, it's the only way. Much love, namaste.

 

I noticed when I started doing yoga (Not meditation, but meditative) that it started bringing things out of me on all levels. Tension, bottled up emotions, intestinal gas, whatever. I started replaying memories in meditation like video on my eyelids that I hadn't thought of in years, and suddenly all the emotions I didn't let myself feel then were uncontrollable.

You say you hadn't cried since childhood, and that some hidden sadness might have caused your tension? My advice is like others': work on letting go. Don't "deal" with it, just let yourself break down and sob if you need to. A good cry is one of the most cleansing things you can do for yourself.

 

Just relax. It's perfectly normal. Just observe your minds little escapades and enjoy the ride . As Argiope aurantia puts it: Don't "deal" with it, just let yourself break down and sob if you need to.

A very sound advice.

If it gets really hard you might consider some guided meditations that can help you stay on track and not get too deep into mushy feelings. For instance Metta meditation or Meditation on Emotions from "Insight Meditation" CD from Sharon Salzberg/Joseph Goldstein.
You can find it at Sounds True's homepage... Or just google it.. (meditactics is a hint too) ;-)

 

Guys, first, that ''niglopte'' up there is me but I changed my name after a few posts after I decided I wanted to stay

That being said I'm still meditating as often as I can and it's been lifechanging. I don't feel depressed as often, but I've learned how to feel sad, and it's been helping me a great deal. Depression was repression, I know this for sure now. I get depressed when I feel trapped, when my heart is telling me to make changes but I just can't - because I am afraid of the sadness of grieving whatever it is I have to grieve when I face a new beginning. It has become unnatural for me.

There is so much I am aware of now compared to a few months ago. A few weeks ago I had a near breakup with my girlfriend, and something that hasnt happened well... since childhood happened - I cried my eyes out. I left her house, went to bed feeling ''weird'' and woke up 20 minutes later crying like a baby, and all through the night and the next morning. It was CRAZY! Obviously, I panicked, went back to her, and if it doesnt work out, I'll have to go through all this again, but still, for someone who hasnt had this kind of emotional release in 12-13 years, this is a big deal. I'm slowly thawing!

 

Excellent. Thawing. A good term.

Feelings will come and go. What sort of meditation are you doing?

 

I am practicing mindfulness. I try to practice it not only when I am meditating, but as often as I can remember.

 

What is mindfulness, and how is it practiced? I have heard the term, but not from an actual practitioner. I have seen someone practice a walking mindfulness technique, but if he was in front of me at the supermarket I would have been pissed.

 

LOL!

well.. I'm no expert, but I guess practicing mindfulness is all about awareness. When I sit and meditate, I start by focusing on my breath. I'm not trying to control it or anything, but simply letting it happen naturally and trying view it from the perspective of an observer. Slowly my awareness grows; awareness of my body expanding into the universe with every breath I take, perhaps a slight breeze on my skin, the coldness of my breath coming in, its warmth coming out...

It's all about simply existing I guess... As cheezy as it sounds, being in the present moment. When I catch myself thinking of something else like something that may happen later or has happened before, I simply make note of it and gently shift my awareness back to my breath.

I started with mantra meditation as well, and it did serve me well, but then I read a book that explained how Mantras are great, but they are an external thing that you are adding to your meditation wheras true consciousness comes from within... obviously there are many different views and techniques, but I did decide to try going with the mindfullness.

It's a bit more challenging, but it has served me well. I find that with this I can integrate the ''meditative state'' more easily in my every day life just by being aware of what I am doing instead of just being on autopilot. Simple things like ''right now I am walking'', or paying better attention to someone who is talking to me, focusing on a task at work instead of aiming for the end result. Small things that seem to be making a big difference...

 

Okay, good description. I forgot the breath part. I remember now learning this technique. Also this immediacy of attention in the present. This is good stuff.

How was it that you were feeling depressive or sad? I'll agree with your feelings in a moment, though from another method.

As for me, I also learned to be immediate through a different system of Buddhism called Dzogchen Trekchod. I also did in fact suffer a great realization and broken heart when I felt I understood it. But that feeling and the realization both went away. Now I am immediate but not. Sort of how I was before, but is one ever the same again after their original symmetry is broken and then reorganized. I mean, I feel the same as I ever did but there is now the memory of the attention grabbing instant somehow amidst my thoughts.

This Dzogchen Trekchod utilizes intellect to force intellect to relax its uptight nature. When intellect relaxes, then the substrata of the mind become apparent to perception.

Part of the sadness was the realization of ---this is all there is---. No more relying on what could, should, might, will, perhaps be, now, in the future, or after death. None of that is of even the slightest importance since it's all fancy and thus a misaprehension of what actually is. Then when looked into, what is, is not the way it seems, it is neither more, nor less, but it also isn't what we thought. it is of the stuff of thought, but not of the thought itself.

I had invested much emotion and time in developing a world view which gave me a golden cage and pretty point of view, maybe heroic and responsible even, and then found out it wasn't freedom, wasn't pretty, wasn't responsible, wasn't heroic, nor reality at all.

When I broke my mental cage I was very sad as I had been very attached, even to it's partial formation, since I had never completed it, and I actually did go through depression for a few years. Meanwhile my mind caught up to the actuality, which isn't describable, nor is it indescribable. I am not trying to be profound, because reality is more profound, but actually less so than most of us were taught. Especially those of us who were raised within the occult systems of the West, and Patanjali's Raja Yoga sutras with their sidhis, and other vast mystical trends, as well as the New Agers. My family owned a mystic book store and many many spiritual icons came through its doors and I was filled to overflowing with an inedible collection of delicacies.

All these thoughts of heavens and hells and afterlifes, and other fantasies. What if now were the only thing that were real? What then?

 

Wow you sure have posted alot here in a few months, what subsections of this forum are your favorites?

 

This might be really hard to explain, but I'll give it a shot...

I guess I'll have to start by saying that awareness really brought things to the surface. We could say I come from a really messed up family which forced me to develop pretty intense coping mechanisms. After a while I became really out of touch with my feelings. I just went on living on auto-pilot and then every once in a while I'd get depressed, not really knowing why, and start questioning my whole mental health thinking there was something wrong with me. In the last few years, this started happening more and more often.

Then, with awareness, I started paying closer attention, and started realizing more and more about my behaviour. Things like ''wait a minute, this here IS bothering me!'', wheras before I would have just kinda brushed it off and took the hit, not knowing I was actually accumulating something..

It's hard to explain really, but I guess the more I started being aware, the harder it got for me to go back to those bad behaviours. For example, I hate my job, I have a hard time in my relationships, I realize how much the drama in my family detrimental to me..... But now I am SO aware of all this now, that I just CAN'T go back and hide under my rock. On the other hand, I'm not ready or courageous enough to cut my ties and REALLY move forward, make big changes, take big risks. In a sense, I kicked my self out of that little safe shell, and every time I go back in, this new ''awareness'' is kicking my ass. I know I don't fit there anymore. There's no going back now, and I'm afraid to go forward, and this caused alot of distress at first. Now that I think about it - it still is, but I guess since there's only one direction to go now, eventually I'll get there.

Does this make sense?

Interesing...

hmm... I understand. I guess that all comes down to what your spiritual beliefs are, but I can agree that these things can be really unsettling. Sometimes I start feeling really weird when I get into philosophical discussions with my friend. Theres so many possibilities, so many things we don't know... When it comes down to it we know NOTHING, and it's kinda scary for me when I start to wonder what the point of all this is and what it all means...

I guess that kinda sounds like what I was saying up there

Still pretty cool to have had the opportunity to be exposed to all that!

This can be attributed to the fact that I have an office job that can get pretty boring at times so I spend alot of time on here. I post pretty much everywhere, but the reason I signed up (and mostly why I stay) is for my interest in psychedelics and also meditation/eastern philosophies. I find they can blend in to each other pretty well actually...

 

I found this post on this forum as i Googled for meditactics. Nice place. The meditactics project rocks. Actually i just now started to write here but it became too in-depth so i will copy and paste it into a post on its own.

EDIT: I added it here: http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/showthread.php?t=432585&f=67

See ya!

 

What you are experiencing is really very common. I suspect the real answer as to why this happens lies in quantum mechanics. It may be a kind of "mental system flush" if you get my meaning.

Keep going and don't give up!

 

Meditation is especially effective in the reduction of stress as it works to manage both the physical indicators and emotional strain of stress. Meditation works in its ability to train our minds to clear away distractions that interfere with thought clarity, meditation relaxes our mind and enhances its ability to recover. Continued meditation conditions our mind to better control emotional anxiety. Meditation works because meditation is medicine for the mind, body and soul. Thanks.

 

Why not use the full means of yoga, a tested and tried technology based on thousands of years human trial and error, perhaps life’s too short to be recreating the wheel, trying bits and pieces (meditation alone), rather take advantage of human consciousness that has come previous to oneself, it seems to be the reason why the sage Patanjali took time to meticulously record the eight limbs (rungs) of the “Yoga Sutras” (2,500 years ago). The yogic sciences asks no one to buy into a belief system, have faith or accept, rather it makes suggestions to put into practice comprehensive methodologies and practice skillful techniques to allow space for the spontaneous to happen, the proof is in the pudding:
1.) Yama (yah mah ) [moral codes]
2.) Niyama (nee yama) [self-purification]
3.) Asana (ah-sah-nah) [posture]
4.) Pranayama (prāṇāyāma) [breath control]
5.) Pratyahara [sense control]
6.) Dharana [concentration]
7.) Dhyana [meditation]
8.) Samadhi [union of the microcosm with the macrocosm]