Here's the facts in a nutshell, my daughter and her boyfriend live with us. She's going to school and working, he just started a job after being unemployed for it must have been 8 months. We support them as far as providing shelter and food, I also pick up the tab for their cell phones and her car insurance and tuition. This is where my problem comes in, I think he's mentally abusing her. I'm off work right now because of health problems so my sleep is kind of irregular and I'm finding alot lately that if I'm up late at night I hear her crying and asking him to please stop talking to her, talking about how she hates everything about her life. She spends her days being angry at everything. She's also started gaining weight and stopped exercising. I have never been able to hear what he's saying to her and if I could prove what I suspect I'd be giving him a few lumps and kicking his ass to the curb. She's stubborn like her mother and past attempts to talk to her about different things have just caused her to dig in and not admit she might be wrong and dad might be right. So does anyone have any suggestions how I can approach this, short of going in and giving him a proper beating for hurting my daughter. My biggest fear is causing her to dig in with her stubborn streak and move out some place with him. So any idea's short of him going to the hospital and me to jail would be great.
Simple: (well, sorry, I don't mean to trivialize the situation) I would stop giving him food and shelter. And she would have to make a choice... If she chooses to still see him, and brings home the symptoms of her relationship, I would stop giving her shelter also and tell her why. And say, that I would love to help in every other way possible (tuition, emotional help) but I could not live with myself knowing that I am enabling what I thought was an unhealthy relationship. It sounds cold but it's actually compassionate. I would be offering help, but refusing to enable a relationship which I thought was hurting her. Good luck.
Have you shared your concerns with your wife? Does she feel the same way? If she has a better rapport with your daughter than you do, maybe she should find some 1-1 time with her and try to get her to open up about what's bothering her. Before doing anything semi-rash, I'd want to make every effort to get your daughter talking.
I'm sorry to hear that. You house, your rooms, your money, you're paying the bills, you're feeding them; therefore, just listen in some night to see what's being said. It's hardly eavesdropping, it's your own house. On top of that, what's worse, you getting caught listening in and someone getting mad, or your daughter getting abused in any way? See what he's saying and kick his ass out in the night. If your daughter gets mad and wants to move out with him, what choice do you really have? Even though she might dig in, where's she going to go; her home-a relatively stress free environment where her bills are paid for her while she's in school, or is she going to follow her boyfriend while he looks for somewhere else to sleep? Hardly. Seriously, just listen in some time on what he's saying, then throw his ass out. It's your damn house. I hope it goes well for you
kick him out if he's old enough to play house with his girlfriend then he's old enough to do it on his own coin
I think you are going to have to have a sit down with your daughter in the most loving and positive way you can. From what you have said you only think this because you hear her crying and asking him to stop talking to her. It could also be that he is talking to her because he is concerned about the changes in her that you also mentioned. The anger she has and how miserable she seems to be of late, the weight gain and change of routine as in not exercising. All those things you mention are classic signs of depression. That does not mean he is necessarily abusive. Most people who are abusive, even verbally as opposed to physical, have a very difficult time keeping it private. It will usually bleed into everyday living. You do not state you have seen any of that and they live with you. It may be subtle but it is usually there. He may very well being abusive but only she can tell you that herself. He could also be trying in his own way to help her and she is not receptive to hearing him for what ever reason. This is one of those tough situations in life to deal with. I hope that between you and your wife you can try to get her to open up about this, be it that it is depression or that it is abuse. I hope that it all goes well for all of you but it is going to need to be talked about.
I do see some signs of it when they are around us, but she plays off that it's just playful teasing. Thank you all for your suggestions, I've played most of them out in my mind, and once I've confirmed what I think is happening, the vacuum from him going out that door will pull it shut behind him.
Then if you have seen some signs, go with your gut. You will know the right way to handle it as it unfolds. If she refuses to end this relationship, are you prepared to be supportive if they get help to sort out their problems. If she is in love with this man that may be what she wishes to do. Lordy, this is a really difficult situation.
It is difficult. It would be hard for me to address a situatuion like this in a rational manner,although that is what's needed. When it comes to someone harming one's children--well--that just can't happen. But ,of course it does. Heat's advice about a serious sit-down with her seems like good advice.
So here's an update, my daughter is relocating to Michigan, she will be staying with one of her older sisters. It would seem alot of her college credits won't transfer to the school she wanted to attend up there. So we discussed it and it was decided it would be better for her to take 6 months off of school and establishes her residency up there and enroll in the program up there. Sad thing is her boyfriend can't go with her, at least not right away and seeing as he says he wants to move up there when he can transfer thru his job, so it's been decided he should stay with his mom until he makes the move. But seeing as he is about as good at saving money as a sieve is at holding water and he's been charged with saving money for the move, we'll see what happens.
So it sounds like they will be apart for a while, and could break up. Family therapy might be good if the two of you don't get along but want to make your relationship better. You obviously care about your daughter.
I am sorry you and your daughter are going thru this.... Alot of times people will stay in a bad situation BECAUSE THEY DONT KNOW ANY OTHER WAY and they are afraid of losing the guy/girl........... Why not try to talk to your daughter sometime WHEN THE GUY ISNT THERE and tell her how you see things and be HONEST and see what she says.... If she ignores your questions,the answer might be YES (If you ask if he is being mean and she doesnt say anything OR if she forcefully says something like "No not at all") I wish you luck my friend!
Yes it does, she's starting see that he not all she thought he was and I really don't think he'll move up to Michigan. I spoke to her about what I thought was going on and she assured me I was mistaken, ether way I haven't heard anymore crying in the middle of the night. I also took him aside and let him know that if I heard him make fun of her weight again I couldn't promise that I wouldn't punch him in the head. Lastly, I have 2 son in laws in Michigan that have let it be known if he does actually move up and they see any signs of him mistreating her they would then happy to show him the error of his way's with a few lumps.
