I'm single and don't seem to care...

tl;dr version: I'm single and am not actively seeking a relationship and it isn't bothering me. I feel like I should care, but I don't.

I haven't been in a serious long-term relationship since August, 2010. I'm not ugly or fat, nor do I suffer from any mental or physical ailments, or anything like that. I seem to have found myself giving up on dating and relationships altogether though. Don't get me wrong, if an attractive young woman asked me out right now, I wouldn't turn her down. But now I find myself not looking for a relationship, and it's scary. I used to almost always look for a relationship, flirt, and win the hearts and minds of women (except for the girls I really liked it seems). I used to often feel down, not full blown depression, but just sad and lonely, but now I'm single and it's almost as if I don't care. I have never really cared sex, and I've always been more interested in a more romantic relationship, so that's not what I mean, what I mean is that I don't seem to care that I'm single, and that's what worries me.

In my early and mid teens, from around 13-16 I didn't even like girls in a romantic way, I mean I went through puberty and had urges to jack off and stuff, but I never really thought of girls, since I was into more kinky stuff. However a couple months (or weeks) before I turned 17 I went through this phase where I was confused. I then continued that confused phase throughout almost entire year of being 17. In this confused phase I had found myself almost acting obsessively over girls, and by obsessive, I mean I wouldn't give up trying to win their hearts. However a few weeks before I turned 18 I kind of stopped trying to win over girls altogether (save for one girl, but that was just for about a month and I had relapsed into that whole "confused" stage again, plus she led me on so it wasn't entirely my fault).

Okay, here's where the story gets interesting. There's this girl, I've been talking to her since about November or December 2010, and she's amazing. In fact, she has no idea how amazing she is, her and I talk a lot and I like her a lot. A couple weeks ago I told her that I like her, since she was just about to break up with her "not boyfriend" (they've been unofficially dating for a while, and she never made it Facebook official and she doesn't like to use the term "boyfriend" when referring to him; I'm guessing it's more of a "friends with benefits" sort of thing), and I said that if she likes me back and wants to go out or something to let me know.

Well her and her "not boyfriend" did break up, and then she started having this huge crush on another guy, so I just accepted it and moved on with my life since she clearly isn't interested in me whatsoever (and if I'm not mistaken, she has said so). She's one of the very few people who I consider one of my closest and best friends. Then she gave up chasing that one guy, after she put that she was "engaged" to him (she said it was to keep all of the creepers off her back, which I wouldn't doubt she has tons of, since she's insanely beautiful). She is now going back out with her "not boyfriend" and never even messaged me about liking me, again giving evidence to my theory that she's either just not that into me, or that she doesn't want to risk losing our close friendship.

But what scares me is that sure, I like this girl, but I haven't said a single thing about liking her since I told her about how I like her a few weeks ago, and I haven't tried to win her over or anything. I haven't even tried going out with other women. It's not like I'm waiting for the girl that I like, I just accepted that she doesn't like me. And here I am. I don't seem to care very much about relationships. I mean, I don't like the concept of being single, and I do want to find the right person, but I just stopped trying. I seem to have stopped pursuing the quest of finding the right girl. My most prominent theory is that I am more mature and stable now, and I have a stable social circle that meets my emotional needs of companionship, that social circle consists of my two best friends (one of whom is the girl I'm interested in). Could you please give me some advice?

 

How old are you?

 

If you don't care, I care even less. I don't think the story ever got interesting.
It might be more interesting if you were a double or maybe a triple.

Anyway, the measure of caring you have is equal to the amount of caring you give.

 

you do care, you are lying to yourself. if you like her

tell her. all of the biggest romantic gestures come with much larger risks.

 

Sounds to me like you care a lot. Only 6 months of being single, trying to catch this girl on the rebound just two weeks ago. That's not a long time.

More importantly, you're worried about "not caring"; so, that sounds to me like you care, but your way of dealing with that painful feeling is telling yourself (and an internet forum) that you don't.

 

I thought he already did. If anything, it seems like he's suffering from being friend-zoned and imagining a friendship that might not be there, or depends on repressing his desire for her.

Sorry, if I sound presumptuous. It's just how it sounds to me.

Edit: I can't imagine friend-zones to be anything other than very lonely, painful places. It's amazing how people put themselves in them.

 

Whether you do care or you don't; it would be good of you to not care.

I didn't meet my love until I gave up on trying to find a girl. I was comfortable around her and comfortable being her friend, partially because I had at that point, given up on finding someone.

Any time I was looking for a girl, they made me sweaty and nervous and stuttering. But with her, I didn't care what our relationship was, I just knew she was good and I wanted to get to know her and have her in my life in some way.

 

yeah, i must have missed that part.

but it doesn't distract from my point, he should still see where this could go. because as it stands this is all based around an assumption

one thing i learned about women, pretty women, is that you think they are uninterested but the old cliche is true - they are waiting for the guy to place his heart on a sleeve.

 

Did she spend her time telling you about her failed affairs, though? There's a difference between actual friendship and the friend-zone, isn't there?

Another question for you: even in the period you were simply friends with your current girlfriend, was she aware that you had romantic feelings toward her? Or was it like meeting a buddy for happy hour and a slap on the back when it was time to go home?

 

She only had one, and I she didn't tell me about it until after we were dating, I don't think. Didn't really come up before.

There is a difference between friendship, friend-zone, and friendly. I would say that I was friendly with the girlfriend and our relationship was at an 'undefined friendly period' while I was courting her. We got close, like friends; but didn't have a clear boundary set for our relationship.
She didn't know that I had feelings for her, but I think we both knew there was some potential there.
It was sort've really old-school. Go out and stroll about for most of the day, maybe catch a flick, rinse and repeat every week or so.


I think the friend-zone is mostly a place for acquaintances or casual friends. There are rare cases where people are really too good of friends; but usually it's just a blow off that means "I don't mind being around you, but I really don't want to get to know you".

 

Thanks.

 

you've never been in the friend zone have you?

 

Almost every time I asked a girl out she gave me the friends line.

 

well i know in my case, every time that line has been used it was by someone who regularly referred to me as a "best friend."

and i don't necessarily think they were just saying that, because they would all constantly contact me to hang out, just as friends of course. this is why i'm rejecting the "acquaintance" theory.

 

I'm sorry, Undie. But I can't help but to equate the "best friend" label with the "in love" label of co-dependent couples in very one-sided relationships.

Did you refer to them as "best friends" too?

 

That would be where the "There are rare cases where people are really too good of friends" came in.

 

To the OP, be very careful. I was once single and didn't care, was actually enjoying it and kaboom I somehow ended up married 10 months later

 

no, because i always had other plans for them. but i suppose they would have qualified if i hadn't been hung up on them sexually.

i stopped hanging out with all of them pretty soon after they started saying that shit.

 

Whenever I had “friend talk “I always have same answer. Maybe it will help you to never get that problem as it helps me. So what ever you tell her you are implying that you have romantic interest in her. Aka. You would like to fuck her brains out. And she gives you some corny " I see you as friend bullshit stuff"

I always replay the same. See, .....(Her name) I can’t promise you that. I am a man, and I follow my desires. I think that you are gorgeous and your eyes, lips, spirit, smile... (Whatever makes you so attracted to her) bring inside me desire to enjoy in you. I can promise you that I will never do anything that we both don’t want to do. If it is ok with you, we can start there, if not, well, life is bitch, and it was nice to knowing you...

As long as the subject of single good&bad goes...

You don’t need to be in a relationship in order to fuck somebody. Sexual gratification is a major part in any relationship but its shouldn’t be reason why you go in to one.

Most important thing is to be honest with you. Then, just follow your desires and be honest. Many girls can’t handle honest man. Real man. You don’t need much; just hit anyone with honesty and your life will spin around.

Regards OldFling

 

There you go. Suddenly, "he's my best friend" sounds like, "I love her, but she doesn't love me back."