Where do I even begin? From young age, about 12, I was always the dumbest memer of the family. It's not that I really was dumb or anything, it's just that my brother always been better then me at everything. School, Work, Grades. Everything. He was one of those people that easily get what they want. And succeed in it. My mother always, despite the fact she denies it, loved my brother more then she loved me. I was sort of an outcast. At school I had bad grades, because I didn't cae about studying. How can I care if all I ever heard is "You will never become anything. You are a loser!" In 2006 I joined the army. I worked hard. But again I was never appreciated for that. I would come after a rough week and still do chores at home and never hear a single "thank you". Never heard it. No one ever bothered saying anything about me. I try and try and try and try over and over and over, but nothing really changes. In 2005 to things happened that made my life even worse. Dad left. Grandfather died. My mom lost her husband for over 20 years. And my grandma lost her husband for the last 40 years. It all changed. My bro left the house as well. Started his on private life. My grandma changed entirely from grandfather's death. She turned from a loving person to a jealous and demonic human being. She started ruining my mom's and my own life. She became a commanding person in the house. There is nothing that I would've done that would make her happy. She always had something to argue with me about. I got to a point in which I held her hand from anger. I almost lost control and hit her. ButI calmed myself down. But my life never changed. My mom became a lonely person. She works hard to get money. But she always says "I just wish I would die already." She is frustrated from my grandmother. She can't take it no more. She started drinking heavily from all the anger and frustration that was building up inside her. Grandma always argues with her. I never seen her drink as much as the last few months. Mom had a boyfriend, two years after seperating from my dad. But he left her. He left her, cause he couldn't take no more sh*t from my grandma. The last time he was here, grandma argued with him. I had a girlfriend as well. She was the only person that brought light into my life. She let, because she couldn't stand my grandmother. She started doing the chores in my house. Washing the dishes. Cleaning the rooms. Taking out the trash. Laundry. Everything. But my grandmother got mad about it. She didn't liked someone doing her chores for her (although that at the same time she argues with me about not being part of the chores.). Job? Currently I don't have one. I don't stay employed for too long. I don't believe in myself that much. Because I always end up being fired. And not because I do something wrong. It just that I carry all this problems inside my head and try to hide with a mask of happiness. And everyone knows that it is true. Everyone know what sh*t I had to deal with, and still do. I take out the frustration on the job. I suddenly come angry all the build up frustration and pain and agony comes out and I just say "**** you all!" I just scream at work on my bosses. My brother is not a brother no more. He calls me only when he needs my help to watch his pet. He never calls me, because he cares about me. He never did. For him I alway been an embarrassement. When we were younger and his friends would come he always told me to be in our parents' room. And it never changed. Up to this day, he does it.When I am a guest in his house. Dad doesn't want to deal with me either. He never wants me around. He can talk to me on the phone, but he doesn't want to see me. And i was the same person that in age 16 told me: "You are the one I love most." Now, I don't know what to do.I know that I might fail again at the new job. I tried to do music and start writing books, but I never finish. I give up on it. Because my self belief is zero. I started to wish myself to never be born from the start. I wished to myself to die. I don't know what to do. What can you suggest me?
sounds like you are finding excuses in everything you do, to be honest. how can anyone have faith in you if you don't even believe in yourself. self-defeatist and it doesn't sound like your girlfriend left because of your grandmother - if she was over at your house doing all your chores for you and you did nothing, she probably left because you were being a slob. my advice? keep a job, stop whining about being fired in the past and just do your work. goal number 1 should be to get out of your mother's house. i thought the army would teach people to suck it up and get their ass in line.
I have to admit that this was my initial reaction also. Especially in relation to getting out of the house. There comes a point in time where if you are not happy you have to act in order to change things. Get a job, hold it and then move out. If you need to cut people out of your life then do so. You have been in the Army, this means you are an adult. It is time to start acting in your own best interests. This doesn't mean that you can't actively seek help in doing so. Psychologists, church groups, charities and many other groups can help you and lend support in doing so.
I say leave..get a job and save as much as it takes to get started leave the miserable people you call family now and start a new one
