1st trip - ego death verdict

i've asked about ego death and it was a great help in the attempt to understand it.
i'm going to post as much as i can possibly describe of my first trip and it would be a great releif if i could get a definite verdict on whether i did experience it (as i always thought it would be far more extreme...if my experience wasn't extreme enough? )

the trip occured at my friends house, in the presence of members of "magic potion" (which is the collective group of the 7 of us) of which 5 of us were present and 4 were tripping with 1 watcher (rewarded through getting very very very blitzed while we were tripping )
approximatly 7.20pm is when we all consumed the tabs, each of us having 2 which was approximatly 200-220 mics in total (both tabs underneath my tongue for approximatly 40-50 mins), as it was my first time i felt the need to what i call "terrance mackennaring" things a little, were i stayed in our designated "dark room" untill i came up, unfortunatly? when overcome by the euphoria and energy surging through my body i just lept out my the chair and power walked into our tv/music room mind blown by the level of the euphoria and instantly played 1200 mics - acid for nothing, followed by shpongle DMT, sat on the carpet which had a bouncy/rubbery texture i played with a squidgy toy throughout DMT completely drawn in by the delightfully ticklish texture of the toy, by the time the song ended i had an urrge to look at myself in the mirror constantly asking myself am i tripping? unable to put my figure on quite what tripping is, looking at my reflection i turn to my friend asking "is my face really twitchy?" as my reflection was...well..really twitchy, (even though it wasn't a reflection but more of, a parrallel universe, of another me, looking back at me, as though i could step through the mirror and shake my hand) still wondering if i was tripping i walked into the kitchen...and back into the tv room...and back into the kitchen...constantly forgetting why i was going into the kitchen untill my friend raised the reason back to light..DOOOB! however all of us completly encapsulated by the lsd we were constantly side tracked by conversation and kept forgetting to go out for the spliff.
After the spliff was finally lit, i got one for myself and walked into my friends drive, were my visuals began, staring into the window of his ice laced mercades i noticed that the ice was infact "fractaled" and outlined by a rainbow of colours which can only be described as a single colour which was every single colour yet at the same time its own colour, MIND FUCK (for me) i then turned and looked at the floor to see this colour sparkling and flowing across the floor, i then proceeded to walk up to and inspect what i thought were boundries in the driveway and walk away and ponder from a distance returning and over stepping the boundry and proceeding to the next to the point were i eventually "escaped" the driveway and walked down his road to the ended doob in hand compeltely free and liberated in my mind, upon arriving at the end of the road i see a scary woods with a sign, up in the middle 'No Ball Games', "THEY NEED TO KNOW" i thought switfly pivotting around in a semi circular spin and again power walking straight back to the house to inform my friends NO BALL GAMES! i walk through the gate and into the back garden inhaling god's bud, walking over the lawn to the fence on the otherside to inspect the perimeter before i release this sensitive peice of knowledge i collected, i return to the kitchen and try to inform them however one of them was voicing his thought processes...looping, but frustrated by being unable to inform them this very important piece of information i walk out of the kitchen and come to my next conclusion...tripping is a journey.
this is were my trip truley begins in my eyes.
i then collect another doob, and go outside with everyone, were i stand silent on my own, unable to relay any communication to my friends..confused in a sense, feeling as though im stuck upon the boundry of my different realities, as time speeds up (yet at the same time does not exist) and everything is flickering were all i can gather from any conversation is the occassional abstract word here and there, my friends have now turned into what i can only describe as mindless, zombie-like cyclopses, asking me for some doob, but in my mind more like "you always have all the doob" "can i have some spliff you've had it for ages" after enough of this i decide i need to let go of this joint and i raise it in the air, my friend goes to take it and i can't let go, when i finally do let go it looks to me as though i now has 2 joints and says "ohhh now im spoilt for choice" at which point i snatch it back and swiftly escape their presence and return to the kitchen "a munch will sort my head out" i thought, and i eat everything unfortunatly, the transform-a-snack, skittles, rountree's randoms, viennese buiscuits, and the can of coke, upon were i was barraged by the trip...
"you have been connected to..." a polygon-like head says to me, (this was like an upload to the 'hive mind' of everyone who has ever tripped...a spiritual communal connection) and then i fly through a hyperspace-like enviroment crashing into balls of energy which explode and i crash into the smaller ones ect... as though i was travelling through the fundamental universe..
i then return to "the real world" as far as i that can be considered, and the kitchen has become cartoony, one of my friends is now sat infront of me (even though at this point he's actually in his back garden) and he was, the voice of my mind (although is was his voice and his physical, although cartoon, body) "you may have realised that i am you, and this is your thoughts..." he says " and then you loop and loop and loop, untill you realise you can move..." were i move my arm and look across seeing everyone around me doing exactly the same thing i am doing although staring at nothing, "and then you realise you are not confined to the dimentions you know" were i turn and grasp the can of coke and then zoom through into it stuck almost glued to it with a piecing feeling rushing through me as though i've been perferated by this dimention...
everyone is now back in the kitchen i'm not sure how long they were, and my inner mind is commentationg my actions "all your doing is waiting", "looking up, waiting", "you got it, eat it, now waiting" as though i don't contribute anything to 'the potion' and i'm just a selfish, using fiend.
i walked into the tv room and sat on a chair in the corner hoping that i can relax and let the trip take me on what it wants to show me. all i can remember is feeling the presence of one of our stoner locations in some woods we refer to as the beautiful glade, and all of 'the potion' are surrounding me, i feel exposed, naked, terrified, embarrassed, and as though i am one of those crazy people in the street who yell at inanimate objects, they are ridiculing me, and its killing me inside, "oh he's talking about doobs again.." "baker don't you realise that never happened" "he's claiming he's taken lsd" "nick your drunk again" "oh am i? oh yeh i remember i've drank a crate of strongbow"...and the critisms and ridicule escalate, i then feel as though im in the middle of the city and someones ran up to me and stabbed me in the heart, i panic pulling my top up to check...im fine, but then it feels like im going cold, and i'm bleeding, as though blood is rushing out and covering me, i lift my top up again and purple splodges begin to appear on my chest (similar to internal bruises) and it covers my hands and arms as well, then my skin begins to wither away and i feel old, exposed and then...i'm dead, i sit in the seat in complete silence for abour an hour, unable to speak, scared to acknowledge my friends, untill i pull back the blanket and what they describe as me being like a small child lost...or bambi, and i utter "little man, did that all just happen?"

 

that is quite a trip there, but only you can accurately decipher what it means to you. i've never understood what this whole deal about people trying to figure out what ego loss is as it regards psychedelics. i have never taken any psychedelic with the intention being to achieve ego loss, not a once. psychedelics are something to be used for personal growth, and reflection, and exploration. then, maybe if one day during your journeys you should achieve absolute ego loss then cool, good for you. but if you don't, it's not that big a deal either.

"He has neither form nor shape, neither root nor trunk; nor does he have a dwelling place; he is as lively as fish jumping in water, and performs his function in response to all situations. Only, the place of his functioning is not a locality. Therefore, if you search for him, he eludes you. The more you seek for him, the farther away he is."

however, considering that was only your first trip, i am fairly certain that lsd still has much to show you.

 

i never went into the trip hoping for the ego loss, when i came out of the trip in the "bambi" moment, i was told that ego loss happened, and it has just niggled away at me and baffled me a little ever since.
i've trip twice more since then, the second time on 1 tab not particular insightful at all, im pretty sure some of the lsd had been destroyed, and the third trip the other day which was again 2 tabs which i loved, the difference between the last 2 and the first though is that the last 2 have been alone at home in my bedroom for almost the full duration of the trip

 

Ego death is when you lose your body.


Unfathomable of course unless you have experienced it as with the loss of the body, so to do you lose your eyes, ears, nose, mouth etc.

 

grinners you've just turned my head into mush, something that baffled me enough already is now bamboozling x) thank you! ghod i love acid xD

 

People seem to be applying 'ego death' to just about any experience.

 

hence verdict

 

a good way to tell that an experience is not ego death is when you continuously describe it with reference to "I". when you are in the throws of ego death, there is no "I" to experience anything. You won't be talking, you won't be doing things, you won't be walking around inspecting stuff and telling your friends about your trip. This was just a very strong acid trip, but it's plainly obvious there was virtually no ego death component to it, just a lot of emotional confusion, sensorial hallucinations, etc. ego death is profoundly simple. an ego death TR is harder to write than a sub-ego-death TR, because in a sense nothing happens to anyone in ego death, there is just a "process".

 

yeh i was sat in that chair not moving or talking or anything for about 2-3 hours, hiding under a blanket, absolutly terrified, i was told that at one point i said "nick?" in a very fearful, sad tone, i had absolutly no visuals during that part of the trip just the feeling of "presences" there are so many aspects of the trip that i forget to write down, and also just can't explain at all in words

 

hahaha @ magic potion!!

 

You imply that there is no experience whatsoever during ego death, which isn't (necessarily) the case. You can be 'observing' sights, sounds and thoughts, but they do not appear as 'you' perceiving them. This is the realization of anatta, where things that you are conscious of are not 'yours' anymore, but the body and mind can still be functioning.

In Buddhism, being fully enlightened makes you an Arahant, who experience this state at all times. They go about their day, eating, sleeping, but they do not mistake phenomenal experiences as being 'their own.'

 

I would not conflate the concept of Arhat with what psychedelics do to us folk. they may be distally related in principle but the meat of the experience is quite different i should think; one is brought about by a temporary chemical intoxication which heralds a universe of secondary effects, the other is a metaphysical(?) "endogenous state of mind" if we can say that.

i don't imply there is no experience whatsoever, only that there is no "i' to experience it, and his TR is full of "I walked around and did this and said this and then i saw this and went here and did this" etc etc and it just sounds like a dude who's high, not like someone who's sense of self has been completely obliterated and they are now lying in a pool of themselves and the universe, drooling and smiling. Which is what my ego death experiences tend to appear like to the outer world. Definitely a "trance" state, not something that leaves you with (advanced) functioning.

 

Aha why is that funny?