Growing up Fatherless

hi,

So i grew up with out a "father figure" in my life. I know I've had a lot of problems with masculinity and finding out who I am and who want to be. How were you affected by being fatherless. Did you find a mentor somewhere else? if so where did you find him?

Thanks

 

anyone? I really would like advice on how to become a man alone.. I know I'm not the only one who experienced this... can anyone help me?

 

Look, I feel for you man but some of us would have been a lot better off growing up fatherless considering the kind of fathers we ended up with... ....feel better now?

 

Ditto


Most dont want to admit it,especially when they become parents, but how your relate to your peers is far more important than any parental figure.

Growing up without one or both teaches you to be more independant, which is probably better for you in the long run

 

Well, my dad died when I was 13, but he was a rather bad alcoholic, so he wasn't really raising me even then. (So in that respect, I can definitely see where zombiewolf is coming from)

My older brother, grew up with my dad before he got really bad. I find that my brother has always been more of a go-getter and it seems that my dad taught him some about self-motivation and whatnot.

That's the only thing I can really say.

I do feel like I'm missing a part of my identity; but I don't think it's so much from not having a father, but more of not having an identity. It does make me miss the drunk though -- do feel like he would have something to say.

 

Right, I think the biggest thing to try to avoid is getting your ideas of masculinity from television or movies. This shit is totally fucked up in our society. I think it's best to invent for yourself what it means to be a man. Make it a work in progress, and keep improving on it daily cuz you'll probably be working on it for the rest of your life. Don't worry, you're allowed to make mistakes... Just do your best.
Good luck

ZW

 

One more thing, as a teen thought perhaps I got a raw deal for having a shitty father, but as I got older, heard of the tales from others, realised how many others grow up with a shitty, absent or no father.

You are far from alone

 

I like this advice a lot.

The one thing my dad taught me about being a man before he died, was that it's okay for a man to cry. It was after one of his best friends died from diabetes (which was the path he would end on as well) and he was in my parents' room just bawling. And somehow he knew I had overheard, and the next day he told me in the car, that no matter what anyone says, there's nothing wrong with a man crying.

This, combined with the macho masculinity of the media, taught me what zombiewolf just said.

 

My dad died from stroke and complications when I was 13. He was in his fifties (like I am now). But he was bed and chair-ridden for years before that - mainly due to bad emphysema from his life-long chain-smoking habit.

So my sister and I, from when I was probably just nine (and she, eight), just ran around doing whatever we wanted. We fell in with "bad crowds" (her worse than me). Those "bad crowds" left influences on me that remain today (for example, I used to get paid in joints to babysit - they'd give me money "for show" to show my dad that I would later give back - the joints were my "real" payment!).

I can't really think of any one "mentor" or "father figure" that replaced him. I suppose my "mentors" were the many people in those "bad crowds" that left little influences on me over time.

In the end I turned out fine. I had [have] and mostly myself raised a son, who is now in his 4th year of Engineering at Wash-U with excellent grades (3.93 GPA); and I managed to retire "early" at 51 years old.

So, recognize and acknowledge the infuence the twists and turns your life has brought you; but don't let it hold you back from being a good person.

 

^ if you don't mind my asking, how did you or what made you work everything out in the end?
Where did things fall into place, or what pushed you onto better roads?

 

Fair question, but ...

It's a really long fucking story (and I am sure, boring to others) hehe. Maybe another time when I feel like composing and trying to keep it concise

I'm sure bits and pieces will come out in my postings here over time though.

 

My father died in a car wreck on christmas day when I was 6 years old ( 22 now). He was drunk driving. Alcoholism runs rampant among the men in my family and i have my own struggles with it. But in the black community, the majority of us don't have a father or POSITIVE mentor for whatever reason.

I pretty much had to teach myself how to be a man on my own and learn everything the hard way. I can't tell you how many times i cut myself shaving when i was in my early high school years or how many times i struck out with the girls before i finally got it right.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that having both parents is important but at the same time the outcome of your life is up to you. I know kids who grew up in affluent families and are in jail and kids who grew up dirt poor who are going for Phd's.

However, my situation does give me more motivation to be a good father whenever I have kids.

 

Well,I had neither. Mom ran off to Mexico when I was 4 years old and dad hadn't the plums to be a single dad,so my gramma raised me. Caused a lot of problems with being wild as hell and alcoholism not to mention a fragile ego. I guess ,fortunately for me,I was 6' 2" at 13 and was good at sports ,so I had something to focus on.(oh yeah--I forgot--I was a handsome devil ) I have to say it wasn't until I was 28 and started taking L that life started to unfold in a better way for me. I never really felt too bad for myself tho,except ,I suppose ,on the sub conscious level because I had about everything a kid could want. But I've definately had a good life and I credit a caring gramma. And a pair of plums. Oh yeah--I've done a hell of a lot better at raising my kids than my so-called parents.

 

Not having a father does not define you. So, by that standard, the fact you were without a father should not have any effect on your life. You are you're own maker, so if you want to change something about you, it will only come from personal growth.

If you do not know who you are, how the hell is a father figure supposed to know?

 

A father figure is (so they say) supposed to help mold one into a decent person -a caring person-a loving person-a respecfull person-one that can stand on one's own 2 feet. A father could give a kid a jump on life's continual shit that will be thrown one's way. A mother could do the same things,of course. 2 parents are better than one,one is better than none(given they're good people) and a gramma can,in some cases,be better than both.

 

well thank you for the responses. I enjoyed reading your stories, some obviously had it worse than me. its funny because i didn't feel that i missed out until rather recently.(im now 20) for example i was in Florida and saw alot of families vacationing, and i saw a father put his arm around his teenage (probably 16) son and kiss him on the head in this really butch, masculine i love you kind of way. and all of a sudden felt very jealous and angry that a man never cared for me in that way. but as many of you pointed out there are many worse things that could happen. Regarding the point "The Imaginary Being" brought up. you are correct it doesn't define me and i do/have become my own person and found my own way. It just would have been nice to have someone i could ask questions to, someone who has the same genitalia as I and things (i didn't see another penis until I was 18). I'm having trouble identifying with men, I have no male friends, and i cant say ive ever even had a conversation with a man for more than 5 minutes. so when i say i want/wanted a father figure its not to sit around and talk about my feelings, its an opportunity to observe and learn how to be a man in society. thanks for your posts

 

aj--you made me think of something. After school,I bet I didn't have more than 4 or 5 male friends my whole life. I just like the company of women much better. Don't know if that is a result of my life as a kid or what. It's still the same.

 

well at least im not alone lol and im not sure what to do about it. how old are you? do you have any brothers?

 

Well,if you're speaking to me--I have a couple of half brothers and a half sister. Didn't grow up with any of them and I don't see them. Divorce seems to run in the family. It doesn't really bother me,being kind of a loner. A fault (to me) that runs deep in me is that I can and have parted from loved ones or friends without any remorse.

 

Take into consideration what others have said. I have a father, but he ran off like a gutless coward before I was born. My mom had it rough. In my pre-teens she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. That explained a lot of her behavior. She was really weird because of it. Three kids, one had been adopted out, and raising the other two while suffering from an undiagnosed physical issue with mental implications? That's tough as hell for just about anyone. So for a while my grandparents stepped in to help. So I had a father, but he wasn't there. So did I really have a father or not? Grandfathers can try to help, but there is only so much a grandfather can do.

You ask about how to be a man. What is it you are looking for exactly? A father-like figure is certainly important, but I think that at this stage late in the game it won't help any. Sorry for the bad news, but it is what it is and I doubt anyone can change it.

Having been there, I know you'll have an uphill battle growing older. All I can say is do some reading. The Bible helps. Some psychology books as well. Philosophy is a plus as is, believe it or not, Shakespear.

But learn to define YOUR limitations and beliefs. What do you feel the line is between right and wrong? What is right? What is wrong? And whenever you work, there it may help finding an older person (preferably retired from the job you have) as a mentor. Nothing wrong with that. And with them, develop good working ethics. You'll find that you have living ethics and working ethics. If you can work long and hard and earn an honest dollar, you may or may not become wealthy, but you'll have a richness in spirit.