Have we lost our control in relationships? Just me?

You know I look at my life as a man and I don't feel like I have much control in my life's relationships, as a man is stereotypically suppose to have. I've done a lot of reading and study of gender roles and typically men are supposed to be the ones who control the relationship, both starting and ending things.

In my life (and with many guys around me) I find it to be that we have to go out and get the girls and at any time they have the ability to drop you and get somebody else. This is due to that fact at any time a decent looking woman will have four or five guys wanting to date them or at least fuck them, while for me at least I typically only have the one girl unless I really try to find others. The fact is they don't feel like they need us anymore, we have lost all leverage.

Yet our miserably overactive sex drives make is so we need them, creating a dynamic where I feel like I have lost all power. I know a few guys who somehow manage to have 6-7 girls obsessed with them and I'd like to know how this is done.

As an attractive, intelligent, funny 22 yr old I am having to cater to the whims are girls less attractive than me, simply because they are a hotter commodity in the world than I am. I am not even clingy or too nice (which are typical mistakes) yet I find myself constantly single. I could use some advice and just would like to discuss how relationships are suppose to work because I feel lost.

 

Did you ever think you're too much of an asshole?

 

It could be. If you look at my 3 semi-relationships. The first problem was I was too nice, the second problem was I was too much of an asshole, and this last one I could have swore I finally found the perfect balance but no dice...

 

I'm not one for serial dating.
I don't see the point of half-assing a relationship -- my feelings are either go all the way - or keep it casual. Most of the in-between is doomed from the start.

 

I really try to avoid being clingy. Nowadays when I'm with a girl I hang out with her 1-2 times a week and text her about three times. I feel like that is a good amount. My biggest problem is there seems to always be some asshole guy that the girl is not over yet. I could say fuck it everytime I sense that but if I did that I would probably be a virgin right now.

 

And who gave us these roles? Usually it's because men oppressed women in past cultures that have led to these roles. Start looking past these titles/roles, because you're expecting something of people that depends on your dominance. A relationship is based on equality.

Of course we need you. Women want love as much as men. A lot of women also only look for one partner. The kind of women you're referring to here are women who just want attention from many men. We're not all like that.

Overactive sex drive? I think that could be your problem. Those guys with 6-7 girls after them probably have other passions to live for. Women (I think) are more attracted to men with passion, who are interesting. Being obsessed with your sexual drive isn't very interesting or passionate: it's lustful, empty gratification.

If you don't find the woman you're dating attractive, you shouldn't be with her. If you are attracted to her personality, look past her looks. All women age and won't look as they do now. Don't be clingy, because then you're going back to being passionate only about the woman, and as I said earlier, women like men who have other passions, who don't NEED women but wants them all the same.

Nothing wrong with being too nice, though. You'll get the nice ladies if you're nice yourself.

 

lmao

do all the ladies a favor and take yourself out of the dating game.

 

It seems to me like you are giving these women control over you (or at least dominance) through your own lust.

 

Yeah and no fat chicks mcgoo over here is real catch I'm sure.

 

I wasn't really making this post about myself. I was just trying to open a discussion, mainly amongst men, about how their relationships work because all I have to go on is reading. I have plenty of friends who are all fairly good looking, cool guys but don't have much luck. I don't understand it. I only have one friend who I would consider a ladies man and he exhibits no extreme good looks or charm it just happens for him. All I'd like to know is that other guys do as the norm, because I'm not exactly happy about my own situation right now and I deserve better.

 

Well, if anything, I have more control than I would like in my relationship.

 

can't really blame women then, really. If men stopped wanting to fuck everything that moved, then it's pretty clear these girls wouldn't have their 'four or five' on the go, and in turn balance would be restored.

I think, in this situation, women are the lesser are the two evils.

 

keep your pimp hand strong

 

lmao

 

This.


Its the opposite of the way it looks to you OP. The straight guys that have half a dozen girls after them just about always arent sex obsessed. Time spent, the date is about other interesting stuff, not just trying to get a leg over all the time. Even if they are the ones that are assholes, life of the party type, its still about more interesting stuff than just trying to get a leg over all the time.

If all the other girls see you dont have any female friends, only pay attention to girls you want to nail. Then you are doomed

Its sounds obvious but if you want to do well with the ladies you have to like girls, not just like wanting to nail them


But dont worry, those guys you are jealous of now, in 15 years time will get bored of punani, my kind will have to grit our teeth and babysit them as they say stuff like "I'm Gay, its such a relief to say that out loud" then watch them make a dick of themselves for a couple years, then marry the 2nd wife.

At the same time, you'll have a bunch of women not really interested in you just after you for sex, but your drive will be 1/4 what it is now so most of the time you'd rather just sit on the couch and watch the footy with a wife that nags all the time, basically cos you dont fuck her enough or dont stay hard long enough and have you convinced you need to see a doctor as there must be something wrong with you

But dont listen to me, apparently I'm just a cynic

 

imho, best advice so far!

 

I feel in complete control right now. And it feels good. But, I have felt exactly like you describe if memory serves.

What changed?

For one, these days I just pay. Even when I have fuck-buddies, as is the case now, and has been throughout most of my life, I still visit prostitutes for the variety, and convenience.

The fact is, I have had many women interested in me at any given time in my life...attractive women. But, I would edit that information out of my memory.

I think I now know why, and I have prostitutes (or my experience as a John) to thank for that knowledge.

Now that I have satisfied every single one of my sexual fantasies and have been with every girl of every possible personality type and physical description, I can take a deep breath, quiet down, and look at things as they really are.

What do I really want from the women I both despise and am attracted to...the prudish, materialistic, pretentious women I always want to attract and always feel rejected by and powerless against...???

I wanted to punish them. I wanted to be sadistic. Nothing else. Now, that I have been with a bunch of them...I know they cannot satisfy me sexually. Women who make passive objects of desire out of themselves do not satisfy me in bed. The only thing that really gives me sexual pleasure with them is smacking their asses red. Nothing else. And lots of them like it. And when they do, I stop liking it myself.

Whereas some "ugly" women have satisfied me sexually. In fact, the very best sex I have had in life was/is with a woman I could consider "ugly" if I still believed in such a thing. So, what is it to the idea of attractive (which, I have always taken to mean something oh so objective) that is so incredibly deceptive?

What makes a woman attractive? Inaccessibility, for sure. A beautiful woman turns ugly (and therefore doesn't count, and therefore perpetuates the feeling of rejection and powerlessness described in the OP) when she makes herself available to me; and a fat, hairy bitch suddenly becomes attractive if she acts stuck up enough.

That's the meaning of "attractive" to me. And now that I am aware of that, "attractive" women can no longer hurt me. And I love being single, and simply being friends with women (attractive or not) whether we have sex or not. :2thumbsup:

Edit: The whole thing also made me open to the fact that one day I may have sex with a man, if it feels right. The idea no longer troubles me, I have questioned gender altogether in the most radical way possible. There is no such thing as women and men, anyway. Only wankers. And even if there were, I would most certainly want nothing to do with them (to paraphrase Renton from Trainspotting).

Edit2: It also made me question age. Aging no longer scares me. I know I'll still attract 16 year-olds even when I'm elderly.

 

You make your own life, you make your own destiny. You are the one that decides who can be with you and if you do not like someone or the way they make you feel about yourself you are much better letting them go than trying to change things.

You want to talk about funny dynamics, let a girl go and see what happens. It is hard to get rid of a girl that ain't working out.

 

leverage? commodity? ... this isn't a market or an auction here.
relationships aren't some economic trend you can predict the odds for and place your bet.

you are going about it the wrong way. you are out there looking for a relationship (according to yourself). what you should be doing is going about your everyday life as usual, meeting some people. then at one point if you meet a person you get to know better and feel like wanting to share a part of your life with them that's when you start thinking about a relationship. going around the town looking for a relationship is all the wrong reasons to be in one. you should want to be with a certain person, not be with them in order to be in a relationship.

you say you *have* to cater to the whims of the less attractive girls. why do you do it then? they probably have no respect for you precisely because you do it. if you have no control then you have probably relinquished it yourself or maybe you never had it. men aren't born with the default power position in everything we do. being in control means having figured out what you want out of the situations you come across in life. it means having figured out yourself. you're in control when you know what you want and have the self-confidence to persist through life with that. not all the people--men or women--are like that.

 

Holy fuck, I hope I never end up sounding like some whiny bitch like this guy.....