We have been in open poly marriage for 15 years

I sat here and watched this thread as the OP attacked another user who had done nothing but point out a FACT;

This is where the polite discussion ended... with the OP... As the OP she/he changed the topic from one about an idea to one of personal insults...

All else flows from there...

Then, other users jumped in to attack VH as well;

and then yet others jumped on to that bandwagon;

With repeats;

And nobody said a damned thing about this being just about free love or building bridges or the thread being turned off topic.

 

"I sat here and watched this thread as the OP attacked another user who had done nothing but point out a FACT"

"technically this isn't polygamy unless you are actually "marrying" your other partners...so you are swingers."

"This is where the polite discussion ended... with the OP... As the OP she/he changed the topic from one about an idea to one of personal insults..."

...... Actually it appears the polite discussion ended when the other user called the OP swingers when the OP had already said they were not swingers.

Was there really a need to be technical with someone whether or not they may have misused terms, when it was obvious they didn't speak excellent english?

 

How was she impolite in point out the truth?

As a person who has been involved in poly relationships almost exclusively in my adult life, I definitely see the need to point out the 'technicality' of a swinger saying they are involved in a poly marriage.

As to the OP's ability to speak english... Now we use ignorance as an excuse?

 

For those people who aren't aware of this... In the 'poly' world, there is a huge scism in between those who fuck everything, and those who have multiple life partners... The most common thing to see, is people using 'poly' to excuse everything from cheating to swinging...

Look through the boards here, you will see many examples of people who will come on and say things like... "I'm in a poly-relationship and don't know how to tell my spouse"...

Avoiding being lumped in with people like that is why that 'technicality' is so important.

 

You're right, Tom, cheating is not poly. To me, the most useful definition of polyamory is "ethical non-monogamy." You can be in a monogamous relationship, or you can pretend to be monogamous while you're actually cheating, or you can be in a poly relationship, in which the parties are open and honest with each other about what they're doing. If that relationship is a marriage, it is a poly marriage, as long as you are not monogamous, and you are open and honest about it. That is, a "poly marriage" may involve only two people, just as a monogamous marriage does.

Polyamory is a new term, and I'm for a broad definition. Most people I know in the Northern California poly community are married and have other relationships as well. They often consider themselves to be in a poly marriage. They may not consider themselves swingers, because they develop love relationships and are not just after sex. But you can be poly and a swinger too, if you have multiple long-term relationships and also have sex with people casually.

YMMV. People have different criteria for who is poly, who is in an open relationship, who is a swinger, etc. To me, if they are married, are not monogamous, and are open and honest about it with their lovers, they are in an open relationship. If they have sex with other people casually, they are swingers. If they form relationships with their lovers, they are poly. If they do both, they are both.

As for me, I've been married for 22 years, in relationship with one lover for six years, and in relationship with another lover for four years. My intention is to stay in these relationships as long as we're all alive, and also, to share sexual activities with others as well. I'm in a poly marriage and have other poly relationships, and for those who say it's not a poly marriage because I'm not married to my other lovers, I say, "I yam wat I yam. MYOB."

 

Having the right to say something (ie being in a poly marriage) and being right about saying it are two very different things.

If you are married (either common law or legally) to multiple partners, you are in a polymarriage... If you are married to one person and have flings with others, you are not...

Tell me... in all the time that you have been married to your spouses, have you ever 'forgot' they were your spouse?

 

True. My point is that the term "polyamory" is very new, and used different ways by different people, in different contexts. If the Northern Ontario poly community uses "poly marriage" to mean the same thing as "polygamy," i.e., a marriage with more than two people, that's fine, and it's fine if the Northern California poly community tends to use "poly marriage" to mean "ethically non-monogamous marriage," that is, a marriage where the participants have multiple relationships with the knowledge and consent of all involved.

But if you have some authority to back up your assertion that "poly marriage" has a fixed meaning, and that I'm using it incorrectly, let's hear it.

 

poly -

1
: many : several : much : multi- <polychotomous> <polygyny>

2
a : containing an indefinite number more than one of a (specified) substance <polysulfide> b : polymeric : polymer of a (specified) monomer <polyethylene> <polyadenylic acid>

marriage -

1
a (1) : the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law (2) : the state of being united to a person of the same sex in a relationship like that of a traditional marriage <same-sex marriage> b : the mutual relation of married persons : wedlock c : the institution whereby individuals are joined in a marriage

2
: an act of marrying or the rite by which the married status is effected; especially : the wedding ceremony and attendant festivities or formalities

3
: an intimate or close union <the marriage of painting and poetry — J. T. Shawcross>

Poly + Marriage

= multiple unions of a legal nature

It isn't magic you know... And just because a lot of people use a word or phrase incorrectly, does NOT make it right.

And you didn't answer my question.

Have you ever forgotten to mention your spouses in a conversation about your relationships?

Does it seem in any way reasonable that a person would do such a thing?

Which is more reasonable to you? That a person would forget they had more then one spouse when talking about polyamory or that after getting called on her/his false statement, she/he changed his/her story to fit what they had already said?

And besides all this... you are trying to argue differences in marriage terms... that is not what this is about... the OP did not state they were in a marriage with multiple partners... she/he quite clearly stated that her and her husband (ha!) slept with other people... That is not poly marriage by either the terms I use, or the terms you claim to use, nor is it the terms that is generally accepted.

 

:love: :love: :love: poly