And so I faced my Judgment over and over chasing my own sins around and around again but never quite getting anywhere beyond the Saviors soothing hand, grabbing at straws because the Devil was sort of behind him, pulling but ahead now, controlling in a relative way and while I fell into lucid dreams and lost all to irrational fantasy he never spoke again with much words to say content that I will suffer a life times worth
This has a lot of potential! That said, it also needs a lot of work. "around and around", should be changed It doesn't really help to emphasize the idea, and it just seems to repetitive. And that line, "the devil was sort of behind him, pulling ahead now", it sounds too vague. get rid of "sort of", and you might want to re-word it a little more strongly. Another complaint, this piece is too prosaic. Add some really descriptive verbs, nouns, etc. Expand on your idea! "Poet" it up, so to speak. Make the reader feel what you feel and think what you think. Again, this has a lot of potential, and I like the concept! Keep playing with it!
hey thanks for reading and offering feed back man. This is actually a last stanza in a complete poem I just finished. I don't want to reveal the whole thing just yet... I will in a few days post the entire work, and maybe this will make more sense. I would love if you read it then. But as of now, I just wanted to see what kind of response I'd get on this ending. peace
