My brother just died. I found out - wow, that hour just went by really fast - about an hour ago. He was older than me by 5 years. He overdosed last night. My mom called me up hysterically crying this morning. I had just gotten back from a great night and my boyfriend's dorm. Many varying feelings and thoughts. Bear in mind that my brother raped me on many occasions over the course of years. Feelings (in no particular order) 1. Relief 2. Depression 3. Anger/ Frustration 4. Numbness 5. Mixed 6. Regret Thoughts (in no particular order) 1. Who do I call now? 2. Should I tell my friends? I don't want them missing school. 3. I can't miss more school. I'm in danger of failing. 4. He was terrible. But he was my brother. 5. So many things that will go unknown. Why did he do the things that he did? 6. Could I have saved him? 7. Will my mom be forced to realize that I exist now? 8. Now I have to end up in a straight relationship. I'm my family's only chance now...(yeah, that's a weird thought). 9. What happens now? Will I cry at the funeral? Should I cry at the funeral? 10. Do I have to be strong for people? 11. Idk. 12. Am I to blame? There were so many things that I never told people about him. Some of the things, I tried to tell them, but they wouldn't listen... 13. I guess I'm not going to commit suicide now...again, now I'm the last shot kind of thing. Good thing I didn't, I guess. They would have blamed me for my bro's OD. Instead of slitting my wrist the other day, I made a snowflake. 14. I probably shouldn't tell anyone that I wished for this a million times. What I've done: 1. Booked transport home. 2. Called my x-gf. 3. Called my bf to apologize for dipping out before he woke up. 4. Called my shrink. She wasn't in, but the help desk told me what to do with stuff. 5. Ate a lot (which for me included two apples, a half cup of cereal, and 2 pieces of candy corn - anorexic). 6. Computer So...yeah...life? Death? Synonymous?
This sounds like a mind-fuck. Your brother's gone, but I hope you make the most of the life YOU still have. Take this as a new beginning: to move on from the pains that now have been guaranteed to not occur again. Take this time to think about you: to work on getting past your anorexia and depression. And it's NOT your fault. Don't regret anything, I'm sure you did what you thought was right throughout your various choices in life. Best wishes.
