Life before you just doesn't seem to exist I think maybe I loved you before I knew you That your existence; out there somewhere is why I made it Through the drama and the horrors of my childhood That I had to make it; that I was destined to make it So that we could meet Even if this ends If I die; or you You are forever embedded in my soul In my molecules And as my atoms disperse back into the earth; Our love will be carried out Bit by bit: spreading across the world Maybe even the universe Forever.
hello there duckyduck. i'm finally getting around to critiquing this. I'm not very good at critiquing; I haven't had to do this since AP english in high school. But I will give it my best shot. I think you should use more imagery to get your point across. For example, the line "through the drama and horrors of my childhood" is very straightforward. I'm sure you've heard the phrase "show, not tell" when it comes to writing. Instead of stating that your childhood was full of drama and horror, give an example of that horror; if your childhood was dramatic because your parents fought all the time, describe the shrillness of their voices or the sound of a fist hitting a face. I dont know what your childhood was like so thats just an example, obviously. But I think using concrete imagery would be much more effective. Also your poem doesn't have much of a flow or rhythm to it. I'm a big fan of slant rhymes within a line and the use of alliteration to produce a certain type of sound. Overall I like the concept of the poem. I think if you revamped it and used more imagery and focused on creating a rhythm it would be much more effective. I hope this helped, I feel like i'm really bad at this
You told me what you think; I think that means you've done a fine job of critiquing. I can't disagree more with your thoughts though =P I think that the grammar and line breakage force the flow (it's just not rhythmic), and the intimate "talky" style would not work well with too much imagery
well thats perfectly fine; to be honest this poem didnt really speak to me. I prefer poetry thats heavy on rhythm and I don't think i really understood what you were going for here. Poetry is subjective like that. i will say that I absolutely looove your other poem I commented on, i can't remember the name but the one about America's suicide.
oh, I didn't see this, and thought I chased you away by disagreeing. I'm glad to see that I did not I really like heavily structured poems a lot (The Raven is one of my all-time favorites), but lately, my poetry tends to be what I would consider "talky"; realistic and intimate, but not always super colorful. I like to consider this poem as more melody than rhythm Oh, and thanks about the other poem =D
thats an interesting way of looking at it; i can dig that. i went back and read it with a little melody in my head and i liked it
