I'm not exclusive with a girl I really care about - move on or try it out?

Hi guys!

Ok, so I'm 27. I met a girl two years ago as my neighbor. She's 25. We hung out as friends but it never became anything more since she had a live-in boyfriend. I eventually moved to a city. About 6 months later, her and the boyfriend broke up and she moved out. When they did, she called me to help her move in. Soon after, we began dating and having sex. I feel a strong connection to her because she's caring, intelligent, honest, witty, deep, physically attractive, and interesting.

From the start, she's always showed lots of interest in me - initiating contact, initiating dates, lots of affection. We've shared lots of deep and personal moments very quickly. She told me she's told me things she's never told anyone else, even her old boyfriends.

After about three months, we started acting like boyfriend and girlfriend. We agreed to be sexually exclusive. One weekend, I invited to her family party. In my eyes, she was my girlfriend, even though we didn't talk about it. After, that things started to get weird.

She blew me off two weekends in a row. I asked her why and she said she was freaked out when I took her to the party because she felt like a girlfriend. I said it seemed like we acted like we were in a relationship. She said she wasn't ready for one and didn't want to be called a girlfriend. She said she wanted things how they were but just didn't want the relationship label. I didn't really understand but I accepted it. However, I told her I was looking for a relationship. Given that, I said I needed a clean break from her because I cared about her a lot and wanted to get over her as fast as possible.

Two months go by and we didn't speak. I felt fine during that time. I dated and hooked up some but nothing to really mention. One day, I bump into her and we start hanging out again. Pretty soon after, we are dating and having sex again just like before.

Soon after, I asked her where we stood - since the last time we broke up, she didn't want a relationship. She was consistent - she said she loves hanging out with me but can't handle a relationship.

She gave me more of an understanding why -- she loves to have fun and explore (like me) but her last live-in boyfriend was very depressed and a homebody. They stayed in more than she wanted and she felt trapped. Because of that, any relationship label makes her uneasy. She said she knows I'm nothing like him and this feeling is irrational, but it's still there.

Since she had this trauma, I understood more of where she's coming from. Based on her body language and how she treats me, she's crazy about me -- however, her past is holding her back. I've learned to not take it personally, since I don't think it's about me.

Anyways, so I said I get her point of view and I want to try things without the relationship label. I've come to realize that I value our life experiences together over the idea of a relationship. And I also appreciate being with someone who won't smother me and let me live my life. That being said, I assumed we were exclusive because we were the first time.

Then I got to wondering -- were we exclusive? We've been having sex without protection (dumb, I know). So I asked her if we were sexually exclusive, given the lack of condom use. I said we should either be exclusive without condoms or not exclusive with condoms. And I said the reason I bring it up is that if we don't do it now, it's going to be weird if in a couple weeks I start wearing condoms because I fucked somebody. (The same goes for her). I expressed that I would rather be exclusive, but I want her to be on the same page.

She said she doesn't want to fuck anyone else but just to be safe we should wear condoms just in case something happens. I thought I would be cool with it but it's been giving me anxiety lately. I've been away so we haven't had sex since this conversation and I don't know how I'll react when we do.

I'm wondering what ya'll think of this. Is she playing me? Am I being a sucker? Based on how she looks at me and talks to me, I believe she's really into me. And she's been honest with me from the start. I have to admit I am attached although she is too. I know I will be fine without her though, since I was the first time we broke up.

However, it makes me kinda sad to think that she could be fucking other guys. Is this something I can get over? Is this something I should get over?

Also, I have some girls on the side that I could possibly hook up with or date. My only fear is that I'll try too hard to fuck someone else just to make myself feel better given the circumstances. So what do you think about this? Thanks in advance!

 

sounds like she's playing you, but in a way that benefits you as much as it does her. i'd keep fucking her, with condoms, and just try not to get too attached.

 

I am attached. I edited my original post to include that. Thanks.

 

Im sorry but I think you need to let her go - all she has been doing is fussing around. Now you're 27... shes 25. Sorry to sound harsh but you two should have discussed the term of you two within the first 1-3 months of what you two were looking for what and you and her wanted... that in all less gets all those problems out... Next time please do, since it could be the other way around!

Now if she really wanted to be with you and start a relationship, she would and she would talk to you about it. But I dont think she wants to. I think she enjoys being single and having someone on the side, this is why you shouldnt gett attached and leave.. since you are developing further feelings for her and she is not for you. In these sort of cases one always leaves heart broken. You two go through the same story meet fuck confusion, break, meet fuck etc etc... And in this girls head she told you clearly she doesnt want a relationship.. girls are driven by relationships and love and when they love a guy they will let them know in many ways.. she didnt.

If you are worried about unprotected sex,, then get yourself tested, and do use condoms. No it does not look silly to use condoms before or after, use them! Who knows, she might or might not tell the truth.. its always better to be safe than sorry. If she asks why, just tell her, you would prefer to go the safer route this time. But going all over again... I say leave her.. She isnt looking for anything serious.. and sure that is good time to time.. but you already look(ed) at her as a girlfriend and have attached feelings... this will only lead to hurt feelings unless she feels the same way. I say have a talk with her, tell her, you want to date her or if she changed her mind.. if she says no.. then stay friends.. not too close but its always good to have a friend around.. who knows what might happen in the future? GL


edit: I just re-read your last sentence/part about the girls on the side.. Dont hurt girls by using sex. unless you two are known in terms as sex/fuck buddies with no strings attached than cool.. but in a gf/relationship/leading on.. no no.. Its a circle all the way around. -- and keep us posted! GL again

 

A "GF" / "relationship" title doesn't mean she won't fuck around on you. It's comforting with those titles...but do they really mean someone won't fuck around? It's the person... not the title.

She may have issues with her past, Is she being open and honest? or is she being sly with a cover and excuse for her playing the field while having you? We can't truely say....whats your gut tell ya?

I'm a honest guy, communication is key, Tell her how crazy you are about her, open up... explain that you understand her past issues but can't control your feelings from developing.

Two outcomes,
1) shes is playing you or she isn't?, she sees things becoming complicated and bails. does she really care about you then? you have feelings...if she just bails with no concern toward your feelings and emotions...then the message should be pretty clear.
2)she hears you, feels the same and gets her shit together so she doesn't lose you over something meaningless like how her old bf was. Really dude? I can see if he beat her or was abusive, or forced sex... then you need to be really really understanding..but "they didn't go out much", "so she feels trapped" ? ? ? /insert smack on back of head! DUDE?

How does she feel or would feel if she thought you maybe were seeing someone else? This answer could tell alot about how she really feels...

just because your exclusive, doesn't mean you shouldn't wear condoms... she may not want a kid a this point in her life..do you? who you or her fucked the week before or didn't doesn't change that. A std can most times be cleared up in the short term...the kid takes 18years and hundreds of thousands of dollars and if your lucky someday will go away and not need anything..doubtful...

Practice safe sex to prevent std < Practice safe sex to prevent unwanted pregnancy neither are ready for

 

She doesn't want a relationship. She is trying to put this "nicely" (in the easiest way possible for her).

 

She wants her cake and to eat it too. Simple.

 

simply put there is an economy to relationships.. supply and demand.. If you become too available, you become worthless...

We all want better than we think we can have, so if we have it already how great can it be?

It poisons the mind driving us away from where we are truly appreciated into situations where we are miserable because its clearly better. I mean after all, why else would we suffer so much for it? That's the price you pay to keep someone that out of your league... right?

 

Love this!!!!

 

Okay, so I decided we should just be friends. Like you'd expect, it was very, very hard - especially since our past few weeks have been really great. Here's how it went down.

I went to her place on Friday and things were really great. We started to have sex and in the back of my mind I kept thinking of how we were not exclusive and if I could handle that or not. That led to sexual problems. She took it personally, as in, she thought I wasn't into her. But I explained my anxiety around not being exclusive with her. I thought I could handle it but it turns out I couldn't.

She understood and actually thought I would eventually come to this conclusion. We both want to remain friends and in each other's lives but are not sure how to proceed. I'm bummed out but know that this is what should happen. One day, I'd like for her to change her mind about being in a relationship but I can't wait around for that to happen. I dislike the feeling of hopelessness that comes after a break up, but I do know that it will pass.