metametameta (existential madness)

For the last week, I can't stop asking people, "Have you ever had a life or death experience?"

I keep asking because I'm looking for seriousness. Reality. I feel like I'm fucking my own mind. I've been through some serious shit in my life-- homicidal junkies, near-death experiences, psychedelic misuse-- I can't figure out why it hits me on a Sunday at 4 PM that I, like everyone, am an animal. Eat, shit, die. I know there's more truth and meaning, but I'm frustrated.

I'm in an existential slump, basically.

What is the most dire, serious moment of your life? If you conjure that moment, does it change you? Do you feel the flight-or-fight response? In your gut? Your mind?

I'm lost. I don't get it. I honestly don't know what I'm trying to figure out.

 

Perhaps that is just too much reality unless you are in the unfortunate position to be the one who has it.

I know it is not something I really want to dwell on. Not because it is not something that can happen or will but because it stops me from living now as I should be.

 

ketman, how old are you.

Are you in your early 30's late 20's ?

I am and I can tell you that I'm questioning hard. My role, my impact, my work, my birth, my how, my let me downs and my forget me nots, my sadistic thoughts and what they droughts. My existence and why.

The who's and the there's. The whoms they choose to forget and the where's upstairs, too legit. How the drugs effect and how the mentality sails. How my connects fail and how my memory momentarily stales.

Now, I cry. Now I know.
That hitting rock bottom
is a right of passage.

 

right now, answering this post.

i've been very sheltered.

 

I think it'll be a tie between the time I was by myself, without a working credit card or phone, just arrived in SE Asia, and the time I was, err, detained in the same region after going a little crazy one night.

Do I feel any emotional or physiological response when I conjure up the memory of either event? No. It's not the big events that matter, it's the small ones. The big events are good for sharing stories, but it's the day to day that defines you.