If only the wife participates, can an open marriage succeed long term?

Is it really cheating when your husband is okay with it? I don't feel like a cheat

 

"Cheat" implies going out behind his back without his knowledge or consent. You have both, so no, it's not cheating. That said, your feelings for this guy are much too strong, in my opinon, to let it continue on like this.

I think the emotional cheating she's talking about is your feelings for this guy; that if you're giving part of your heart to this guy who isn't your husband than that's wrong. In that one, only you can answer that because you're the only one who knows how you feel about him.

 

Cheating is breaking the boundaries of agreement set by an individual couple. Sometimes flirting is considered cheating, or merely sending somebody else a suggestive text message. The face that you sent a suggestive text may not be cheating, but one tiny detail you include could be. Sometimes giving someone outside of your relationship a certain complement is considered cheating. For others, casual sex whilst in a 'committed' relationship is perfectly acceptable. Cheating is exactly what a couple considers as cheating.

Amyoxl admitted to pushing boundaries.

Is your husband really okay with it? If you are crossing a boundry set by your husband, surely that constitutes as cheating? Otherwise why would the boundary be in place? I can't understand how you both set a boundary whereby you getting too close to this man was unacceptable, yet a relationship with him where only the physical side was important was completely out of the question. Your husband is giving you the chance to fall for somebody else. It just doesn't make sense.

Added:

Is "she" me?! If so, that's what I'm talking. Cheating is a very personal thing. It sounds like cheating to me.

 

I imagine it's very unusual, yes. It's more common for couples to engage in meaningless sex with other people (even if just one person takes part) than situations where love and emotions play a bigger part. I'll admit I don't like the idea of sharing a romantic love with any more than one person at a time, I think it's all too special to be divided up and shared. Most people want to fall madly in love with someone and cherrish them, not give a little of themselves away to someone else. If I love someone, I'll give them everything. I'll admit that your situation is hard for me to even comprehend.

You do need to talk to your husband. Find out what constitutes as cheating and redefine your limits. Forget about the third person and ask yourself and your husband what you're both gaining from this situation. I can't imagine you're gaining very much- you probably stand to lose more than you stand to gain. Is the thrill worth the risk? You or/and your husband may change what you value. I do however think both you and your husband would be equally to blame for something going horribly wrong here. Though you're the one that can do something about it.

If it was just sex, I'd say that was fairly common. That said, people who engage in meaningful relationships with multiple partners do exist. In small numbers, but you're not alone.

 

That kinda kills it, for you. Does your husband not meet your needs?

 

Have a lawyer on standby

 

Thanks, Aine, for not being judgmental.

 

Ignore everyone that shows any sort've sign of moral objection to this. Their advice is loaded and useless to you; could even be harmful.


I think it's clear that you love your husband, and that you are quite willing to remain loyal to him.

That being said: it worries me that you want this to go on forever. It seems to me that you have a second love for this fellow. Maybe not as deep of a bond as the love you have with your husband, but it definitely sounds like the emotional component of love is there (English needs more words for types of love)
And whereas, loving a person can never be a bad thing -- swinging isn't typically a lifetime arrangement, and it suggests to me that maybe you weren't emotionally prepared for this situation.

You don't have to give him up, necessarily, unless you and your husband think something has gone too far. But you have to be ready to; and you clearly aren't.

 

You do make me think, Dolly. I can understand what you mean by the tiny details that might constitute crossing over the line. I try to be honest and forthright with my husband, even telling him some of the intimate details of my time with the other man when he asks. I admit, though, that I haven't ever told him any of the most tender moments that might reveal how much I am emotionally involved. For instance my husband might ask me if the sex was good for me, and if I came, and I will answer truthfully. But I have never told him just how exceptionally intense our love-making has been on several occassions nor of the many long minutes we spend in the afterglow carressing and kissing and laughing and yes, even exchanging tender words of affection.

(I guess the omission will be known when we read this together - lol)

 

When you put it like that I guess it doesn't make a lot of sense. When my husband and I were just in the talking and teasing stage before this happened, we talked a lot about some of these same things. I remember him saying something like, why would a man be willing to share the part of his wife's body most sacrosanct to his marriage and not be prepared to share a piece of her heart?

 

He does, and my wants too. He has always been an imaginative and satisfying lover. Before all this he was my first and only. I love him deeply.

 

Thanks, Duck. You are a perceptive man, but regarding your first paragraph, I value the views and inputs of the others. They help me to see things I might not have see otherwise. As do yours.

What you said said about the English language being inadequate to describe my attachment to this other man is so true. My husband says I am "in like" with him but to me its more like a deep fondness. Marriage, even a happy one, doesn't immunize one against the attraction of another person.

I don't think of myself as a swinger. I'm not being judgmental of others who are into that lifestyle, but casual sex doesn't do it for me.

 

And loving one is not to love another less.

 

If he has been your one and only lover then I am glad he is giving his consent for you to go out and explore your sexual nature with someone else. Having desires, for different forms of affection, not just sex, you can't explore with your partner can become an "Elephant in the room" pretty fast. One thought though, do you see yourself returning to monogamy anytime soon? A fling then a return to a one on one relationship may be a little tough to deal with but from his perspective it's better than you flat out "cheating" on him, but a string of affairs may be something different. I give kudos to your husband for dealing with this in a mature and caring way, but he's still a dude, and beneath his consent there is probibly a great number of rational and emotional arguements he is considering. Don't be surprised if his consent suddenly turns to resentment and anger without much warning, he may be unconciously repressing feelings of jealousy because he feels he is above these emotions. You may have to reach a nasty "break point" with him to see how he really feels.
Cheers
C/O

 

Hmmm, I kinda like that sentiment. As much as my feelings for the other man may have grown over time, I haven't loved my husband one bit less. In fact, i think it has grown also.

 

I don't want to return to monogamy, which is to say I don't want to give up the other man, but I will if I perceive any resentment or jealousy on the part of my husband. If that happens I can't really conceive of meeting another someone so special, much less a "string" of them

 

Hi Amy,

I will answer your question as best as I can as well as advice you about this forum.

First, here's my answer which is something I've personally experienced so don't let these negative teenagers or uptight oldies tell you. My girlfriend and I have been doing this for the past 5 years. We have been dating for almost 9 years, we are of very similar age to you and for the past 5 years she has had my full consent and encouragement to be adventurous with men outside of our relationship. Its all up to the couple, I trust her and I am confident in myself, we have good communication and tell eachother everything. So yes you can make it last as long as you both are open with each other and love each other.

This forum in my opinion is full of young people who have to even ask questions such as "how do you know you're having sex" or "does she drink sperm" or just simply very innocent questions and what we're talking about here is just going to get harsh flasming. Search for threads I've started and if you have time read em and you'll get an idea of what the g/f and I have done and all the flaming happening here.

Feel free to PM me if you or your husband wanna chat or talk, I have a forum specifically for your topic.

 

It's not that I'm with the other man all that often. In fact I've only been with him like 5 times over 6 months. The 5 times included a couple of weekends and the other 3 times were just overnight. My husband can usually tell when I'm needing to be with him, though. I guess I must get a little pensive or tense or something when I haven't had him in a while.

Sensing that mood in me last night, my husband suggested I text the other man "to see what's he doing this weekend." Some of you may be pleased to know that my reply to my husband was I'd really rather stay home with him. He was obviously pleased with that answer, his face lighting up instantly when I said that.

So I guess I have to grudgingly conceed that maybe there's something to what some of you have posited that my husband may be suppressng what he really feels.

 

Yes. He can't rightfully complain about an arraignment that he encouraged; and even though he may not really mind it -- every once in a while he needs to know that you are still his number one, and he is still yous.

I think this was a very nice thing to do. And if this arrangement is going to work out long term, you are going to need to perceive and maintain your husband's unsaid feelings. By letting you have time with this other man, he is showing a great deal of love and trust for you -- you're going to have to do things that show appreciation.

My question is, how do you feel about spending the weekend home?

 

I assume you mean this weekend when I had a chance to be with the other man?

My gesture was a sincere one. Both my hubby and I have had a grueling two or more weeks working a lot of overtime, and we need some time together just to unwind and have a bit of relaxation and recreation. Friday night we will attend a high school football game. Saturday morning we will spend on the lake maybe packing a picnic lunch and the afternoon/evening watching a bit of college ball (roll tide). Sunday we may just spend in the yard doing some gardening if this hot weather breaks a little.

If you are asking me how I feel about not having the weekend with the other man, well I will definitely be needing some undertime with him soon. Yeah!

Thanks for the advice about showing appreciation from time to time, You are definitely right about that. I feel it all the time but probably don't communicate it as well as I should. My hubby is a good man.