Just to be clear, my fiancé and I are just looking for your opinions on what you think of the situation and how you think we should try to handle it; not necessarily aiming to find that “solution” in this thread, however if someone says something we like, we may consider it. Shadow Walker and I love each other very, very much. However, I am a “free love” type of person and he isn’t. My view is that even in being in a committed relationship, it’s okay to want and have flings within certain boundaries. ‘Never do anything that you’re SO isn’t comfortable with’ is my main rule. As of now, Shadow is okay with everything short of physical, sexual/sensual touching with anyone if he isn’t in the same room. We’ve been together for over a year and a half and he’s slowly gotten used to some things from cybering to sharing pics to webcamming and I really, really appreciate his understanding and his attempts to view my same lifestyle, but I still feel these urges that I can’t do anything about and feel guilty about. Really, he’s okay with me being with a woman but not with a man because the man “would be claiming [me] as his; like [Shadow] would be losing [me] for a short while.” While I’m trying to be understanding in this respect, it’s still really frustrating for me because I have these urges, then I feel guilty about having these urges (not to mention, I dislike how it's different if I was with a woman and we argued about that it had to be both or neither because it was the same amount of risk and the same amount of everything regardless of gender, and he decided neither). I love Shadow and would never willingly “cheat” on him, but this is quite a road block for us. I mean, if we went his way (which we are doing right now) I feel frustrated and guilt and then he feels upset because I am; going my way, he’d be upset and sad which would cause me to be upset and guilty and that would of course cause me to not be with anyone anyway to try to avoid upsetting him. It’s a cycle that we can’t seem to figure a way out of.
It's good that you are communicating about it. I guess I'd have to ask why you feel the need to get with someone else? Does he not satisfy you in some way?
I am making an assumption here but from the way you phrase things it's like you expect a man to feel the same way about things as you do. Men are not the same as women when it comes to sharing, in my humble opinion. To him, as it would be to me, you being with a girl is not sharing you at all - it's just neutral territory. It's about dominance, another woman is not competition for him. A man is. Some people will respond poorly when I use the word dominance so let me rephrase it. When you bring a woman into it you are not replacing him. He can't be a woman, so it makes sense that to be with a woman you bring one into the mix. But as far as a man goes, well... he's already there. So why would you need to bring another man into it unless he can't give you something that you want from a man. Very dangerous ground you are on. You never know when the SO is just going to realize all of a sudden to himself that you want things he isn't providing and decides to leave.
I tried to put myself in your situation but found myself identifying more with your fiance than you. If I dated someone that was very sexually free like you are, I dont think I would ever come to terms with it. I doubt your fiance will either. I don't think something like that is something a person can change. The way I see it, you have two options: either break up and find someone that is more free spirited, sexually speaking, and into open relationships, or deal with the fact that your fiance isn't okay with it and you'll have to make sacrifices if you want to be with him.
I think there is always a price to pay with Free Love unless both parties wish for that as a relationship. Some people do seem to be able to have this type of relationship and it works for them and they set their boundaries and live with that. Most people in my limited experience do not do well with this type of relationship as it is not what they really want and tend to be persuaded by a partner who does. Eventually it tends to change their relationship. I think if it is not something that both parties wish to include in their lives with 100% certainty, then it is a disaster going to happen.
I agree. I personally wouldn't like it if my partner wanted to do that, and vice versa. It's tricky when one person wants something that the other doesn't, but I suppose that's why they say that compromise is needed in a relationship.
I agree with dastud in that there is at least some communication in the house regarding the issue. I'm not sure it will resolve the issue, but at least you're no trying to go behind his back to act on your desires. In the long run hopefully you two will be able to sort things out and find a resolution. Unfortunately I'm thinking it may boil down to what Meliai said. However I can't imagine that you can go the rest of your life not acting on your feelings. Perhaps in the end Mr. Shadow Walker will come to grips with your issue, let you act upon them, and thus keeping your relatioship together. Unfortunatelly for you, Aine I wouldn't put a high percentage on that. Slightly off the beaten path, but do you think your loss of playmates - http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/showthread.php?t=409000&f=51 could have anything to do with the issue now being at the forefront of your relationship? Just food for thought. I just really hope you can work things out.
Other thing I would add cause I didn't notice it before is that you are 20 years old. Sure maybe you are the one really wise 20 year old that I never met in real life but probably you are like me and every other person when they were 20 in that you think you know what you want in a SO but you need more adult trial runs before you really will. Notice I said adult - "but i dated 5 guys when i was 13-18" doesn't really mean shit imho.
Thats a good point. I didn't have a clue what I wanted in a man when I was 20 and my relationship at the time was so much work because of that. I've found as I get older that relationships don't have to be constant work and compromise. If you date someone that is a good match for you, things will come surprisingly easy and compromises will be few and far between. Chances are as you get older you'll find that the reason this is creating such a big problem in your relationship is because you and your fiance just aren't right for each other.
Hey everyone i want to post to give somewhat my side of things and a few things ive realized in the past day or so...quick learner huh....When we (aine and i) first started dating we did talk about this and i had said i would be okay with trying things this way at some point. The problem is when we got to that point i kinda chickened out and began to worry and lose sight of things.... i realized that i love aine and she loves me and I know even if she is with anther man/woman whe will come back to me. I think i freaked out quite a bit. Im starting to realize as the initial shock (that shouldnt have been there since i did know about it) wears off as long as we have rules and trust we will be fine. I didnt expect everyone to so "for" my side of the disscussion and in truth i kinda expected quite the opposite. I should have posted this before hand.
It's not free if all parties involved aren't into it. You will always have to communicate honestly. That's the way it works best in our house.
SW-reading your post, your posting style reminded me of me. As I was reading it, I said shit did I write this? Anyway as I said earlier in this thread, I really hope you can work it out with Aine. I must tell you my initial thoughts were while reading your post. It read as though Anie was still a tad upset with you. You wrote and said all the correct things, however to me, you did not sound convincing. Of course everything is subject to change, but you did not come across as a partner who felt at all comfortable with his partner having sex with other men. I could have certainly misread it. I think if you felt this way before hand there would be no thread. Just my $.02
Tricky situation, i was wiv a man for 2 years who had never had a closed relationship til 27 I was then 23 and he agreed to be one because he wanted to be wiv me after 2 years we had some problems and I asked if we could take a break within the first few days he slept wiv someone didnt tell me and came home to my bed a week later. I found out and freaked out! Ended it there and it turned a bit messy. As soon as I asked for a breather he went wiv another girl, anyhow he went on to have children with her and get married I have no idea what kind of relationship they have or even if they still have one, all I know is they both wer kinda into sexual freedom and obviously much more suitable for each other. I maybe wrong and I can understand if this sounds harsh but how can u love someone and be cool with them being intimate wiv someone else? It would do my head in if it was a partner, be ok if it was a fling but I dout id want to be with them after they had been with someone else either way. I would feel I wasnt good enuff as a person for them if they needed more than what I could provide- Ask yourself is it worth the risk of breaking up? I can see shadow that you thought you could deal with it but as your love grew so did those strong feelings to keep your partner exclusive. Aine it sounds like you have been honest and up front, is it worth the risk of losing this man?
Well everyone we think we have the solution to our problem so we'll see how it goes. Were starting in the "shallow" end of the pool concerning these matters and going to go for acts that would also involve the other person, ie threesome/partner swap etc. Which these things im much more comfortable with. Basicly we'll start there and see how it goes. Thanks all for your coments though.
Agree - people need to realize with some things in relationships there is no right or wrong - just personal preference. Then when those walls get pushed they compromise. I think that's what is happening in this instance. The thing that bothers me the most after the fact - is when you are with a partner down the line later in life - and they ask you "why in the hell did you do that" and you're like "i don't know, just wanted to try it and see" but it doesn't match with their personality at all and you can tell they did it because they were compromising - it's a sign of weakness for not standing up for what you want in a relationship.
Each relationship is different, you just have to dig down deep to figure out if the decision is what both of you really want and if the character of your relationship can sustain these actions. If they can, all the well to you and your partner.
