Long term bf is going on a trip for four months

Aznmom,

Haven't read all of your posts, but I seem to recall that there are multiple problems in your marriage.

However you try to solve things, it seems like it is better to do something to fix things rather than to let problems build and get to the point where they explode.

So you might be a good couples counciling candidate yourself. Even if you can't get your husband to do this, going on your own might be helpful.

Seems like you should be getting enough out of your marriage that you are happy and satisfied with it. Seems like he ought to take you on a vacation or at least a few week-end get aways.

Also seems like you should be getting your share of satisfaction in bed (earlier post, I think). If you go on being unhappy with the relationship long enough, you will probably build up a lot of resentment, which will make it harder to fix things.

 

A relationship is multi-faceted. Trust and communication are imperative. Without those two what do you have? Nothing worth keeping.

Aznmom if you cannot trust your husband enough to allow him time to himself, for a night or a week, then I fail to see how the relationship can last. I won't go into what can cause such distrust, only you and he know. But remember that each side has a reason.

 

Why is it always about the husband? Where the fuck is my 'time to myself'? I am at home 24/7 with 3 kids. I do not ever go out except on the weekends and only when the husband decides to go out. And it's never just the 2 of us going out, it's with the kids.

Did you not read what I said? He can have as many solo vacations as he want as long as I get my own solo vacations.

 

Too late for help. I already wish i was dead sometimes. If it wasn't for having to take care of the kids, i will be dead.

 

Wow, AznMom, this is really serious.

I don't think it is too late for help. It might be too late to fix your marriage (I don't know), but I don't think it's too late for you to have a happier life.

If you feel imprisoned by your life (sounds like it), and you are sometimes wishing that you are dead, it seems pretty clear to me that you need to make a change. I would say try to make changes in your marriage/life that will make you happier and talk to a professional councilor. I think going on and on with something that you can't live with can only lead to disaster or at least, more suffering.

Please, this is serious. Getting some counciling that will help you change your life and getting some treatment for depression can help (I think that wanting death is a pretty unambiguous sign of depression).

You may feel trapped right now, but you can make changes. Divorce is not necessarily a bad option if your husband is not willing to make changes that allow you to be happy.

WANTING TO DIE IS A SERIOUS CONDITION AND YOU NEED HELP TO FIX IT!!!!! Please see someone about this!

 

You totally missed what I'm saying.

No matter what side you come from on this, yours or his, those two items are a must.

Have you ever discussed this with him to find out why/why not?

And e7m8 is right. Talking about dying is not a light issue. Get some help.
Nothing wrong with asking for help, I have done it before. I'm sure a lot of people have.

 

I agree too

 

Aznmom, you are your own jailor.

I know it's so, so hard when you have young children who depend on you, but you CAN still make a change and make your life one you will enjoy rather than one wasted in feeling unloved, unfulfilled and trapped. That will be far better for the kids than growing up with a mum who is so deeply unhappy. That's not a good example for your kids. The most important lesson they can learn is that they are responsible for themselves, and how they feel, and that life is amazing.

List the things about your life that leave you unsatisfied, the things you wish were different, the things you wish you were doing instead, and correct as much of this as possible, even if it means shifting your life around a bit. Talk to your husband. If there's still any love at all he should understand, care and listen. If not, that might have to be one of the changes.

You are still a person with so many thoughts and feelings and needs to explore once you become a mother. This can't stop entirely. That's unhealthy and counterproductive if you think you're doing it for the sake of your children or your husband. If your husband loves you, he wants YOU, not a baby-growing machine with no fun in her life or independence.

Don't be afraid to change your life. What is scarier...having to shift things around a bit in the short term in order to create the wonderful life you deserve, or having a whole lifetime of wasted time, wasted chances and wasted ambition, opportunity and youth?

:grouphug:

 

First, thanks for all the support. He left and we made it through it. I did cry a ton the first month and wavered between sadness and anger. Did a ton of soul searching. Went and visited him halfway through the trip and had a fabulous time. The second part was easier since we talked a bit more on a more consistent basis. Now, 6 months later, we are moving into our second house together. . It was actually a bit rougher for us after he came back, but things are well. Extremely. And I'm happy.

To AZmom. I hope you are doing well. I was in a similar situation and for me personally, the negativity was killing me AND affecting my kids so I needed to make a change. If you ever need an ear, feel free to PM me.