i do it.ive used a blade a few times but mainly ill pick at a cut or pimple till its bleeding.usually when ive hit a seriously low feeling like im feeling now.nobody seems to understand or care about my shitty childhood or whats going on now.for some reason the pain and blood calms me down.lately the blade thoughts have been occuring but havent done it yet.
I only stopped in the last few months. I actually used a knife, or I would rake my nails in the same spot over and over. I have 13 cuts up my thigh, and 5 more on my arms and fingers. It didn't help that much i suppose it was for attention too, but it also did help relieve some of the internal pain. And during the cutting sessions actually cutting didn't hurt so much because what i was feeling inside hurt so much more
Here's an interesting tale of self-harm-- and my own personal account-- that may differ from most. My psych history in a nutshell: diagnosed bipolar disorder for four years, only one hospitalization, on and off about 20 or so different medications. I currently see a therapist weekly at my own discretion. I am quite stable, happy, and healthy. I weened myself off of pills I considered to be controlling my life and moved on. It wasn't until I discovered altered states of consciousness that I found any reprieve, though. I will swear by self exploration until I die. I have a couple dozen burn scars from various events of self-harm. The usual procedure was to heat up a small piece of metal using a lighter and press it into the skin until it cooled. Skin sticks to cooling metal, and often there would be the accompanying smell of burnt flesh. It was never about getting off or hurting myself because I was suffering a DISSOCIATIVE state (without any substances besides the prescribe medication). No joke. There are entire days, some weeks, that I don't remember. Not like a bipolar-manic-episode don't-remember: complete and total blackouts. Think Memento. This wasn't always the case with my dissociative state. When I was aware enough to be "in the moment", I resorted to self-harm in an attempt to (more or less) wake up. That's where it started, and that's where it ended. Oddly enough, it simply stopped. I haven't felt that way (outside of doing so on purpose, of course ) in a long, long time.
What I found is that I was abusing myself less and less when I realized why I did it and where the feelings come from. I used to hurtm yself because the only time I felt loved, as a kid, I was getting my butt beaten. So now when I feel crappy, I want to get spanked so I'll feel better. I imagine I'm not the only one.
