I have massive Psychological trauma but

I feel for you. I was sexually abused from the ages of 5 to 8. It literally hoppened dozens of times. I have had the flashbacks, the random fits of anger, the nightmares. I went through the questioning of my manhood that I allowed it to go on for 3 years before I finally spoke up and said no. I went through about 12 years of not telling anyone because I was told that if I did "We would get in trouble". I had psychosomatic pains from other abuse that this person lobbed at me. I think that I've only dated about 3 women that haven't been raped or sexually abused. Boy what a minefield all of that shit is. I also developed a sense of gallows humor about it.

I have dealt with all of those issues without "professional" help. I have meditated, observed my emotions, dealt with my denial (my particular brand was not that it didn't happen but that it had no effect on me), and looked at the effect that it has had on my life and my relationships. I even forgave my abuser. I honestly believe that I'm in better shape psychologically now than I've ever been in my life.

By the way I like your signature quote.

Peace Out,
Rev J

 

Thanks Rev J. and all who commented.

A lot of the things going on in my head were not from one single event but a series of events that happened over 4 years of my life.

As I scan my mind over that period of time I realize that there are about 6 months of time that I cannot account for. Recently during my everyday life things come back in flashes also in dreams.

I am starting to think there may have been some permanent injuries to by head as a result of the violence I lived through. Perhaps that is why I have brief flashbacks of events that happened, when I am awake, sometimes.

But regardless I know I am lucky and numerous other people have had it far worse than me. In fact I am lucky I can think at all.

However, none of the things I lived through give me an excuse for turning my back on the world and allowing my heart to turn cold.

I have have no excuse for that. I can blame no one but myself.

What I can do is try to make a difference somewhere.

Where and how I do not know.

Anyway I am lots better. I am now sleeping better and flashing back less.

I am not all the way together but I will take that one day at a time.

 

Seriously.... Will you give me some money? I need some potential.

 

for what its worth UA I'm really sorry that you had such serious bad shit happen to you and the fact that you are not on death row for multiple murder or a complete fucking basket case is baffling....it is also a testament to the incredible strength that had to of been needed to get where you are today and i take my hat off to you..

oh ya...i believe every fucking one of us is crazy

 

Hmmm, this threads been bumped again.

Since my last reply, read a study about suicide rates in gays and lesbians, dont ask me to find it, who knows where, and it was too lengthy anyway.

Anyhoo, the jist of it was that despite all other factors what ever the cas is in their adult lives, economic, social status or whether or not theyd been molested in childhood or adulthood. The factor that correlated highest was gender non conformity in early childhood. That is, how well they fit in with the same gender as a 4 year old had more to do with 40 years later wanting to give a shotgun a blowjob than any other factor, including sexual abuse

As I said, the article was very lengthy, and seemed well written, but throughout worked on the assumption that gender non conformity = effeminate males, masculine females. Curiously did not even consider the opposite end of the spectrum, same distance away from the norm, but those little dudes more masculine than everyone else earlier, those females more feminine that everyone else - who would have just as much trouble fitting in with the norm.

Got me thinking, is there an anti-gay. You have that 2% down one end of the spectrum gays and lesbians, who are more susceptable to sexual abuse early on, but what about that 2% at the top, at the other end of the spectrum, that were too gender conforming in early childhood - how would you even identify them in adult life

Reminded me of the Leternou case, everyone focused on her the older teacher, but the guy was 12 years old from memory, of islander persuasion, no one thought, how is he different, was he more likely to attract that kind of attention, why him and not another one of his male classmates

What does all that have to do with the OP and others that have responded in this thread?, how much of what happens later on in life mask the true cause, how different to the norm were we all in early childhood. How different was the OP and others to everyone else at that early stage.

Not terribly scientific, but from what I've seen, that early childhood training seems to be more of an influence for ALL people than we may think or like to admit, even more so than genetics, perhaps even more so than any one off or periodic traumatic experiences.

Girls that are promiscious in adult life, is that cos they have a higher libido in adult life, is it because they were more likely to have been the victims of sexual abuse early on, or cos they got on too well with male peers early on, or not enough, or didnt get enough attention from daddy early on, or got too much attention. Or is it a mixture of all of the above, or is it cause and effect - conformed with same gender too well early on - seeked extra attention from guys at pre puberty - more likely to get mistreated by guys at early puberty - standing on the street corner in fishnets at 19

One thing is for sure, mess with your head trying to work it all out

 

the fact that you have the strength to make something out of yourself after experiencing what i can assume was a debilitating trauma is a beautiful thing..most people would shut down completely. accept the things you cant change, embrace the positive aspects of your life and keep pushing forward, youre not alone...good luck friend!

 

I see the process of making something of himself as being very central in the therapy in dealing with all that had happened.

 

i agree stinkfoot..overcoming is healing in itself

 

Remeber that scene in the movie "Heat" when Pacino is talking about holding on to that anger, needing it to drive you

Theres something in that too, theres healing yes, but maybe theres stuff that cant be healed, and maybe its a good thing to keep getting pissed off at certain things