Am I evil?

ok get ready for some really controversial shit.
I can already tell I am gonna get trolled, so yeah I am ready to take it I just hope some helpful posts will come along.

My problem is pretty simple to describe but very hard to deal with.
Pretty much I am not attracted to either boys or girls unless they are below the age of 10-12. I think I am a pedophile. I like little kids.

I know it's sick as fuck but what am I gonna do? Kill myself? ok maybe I should but I don't wanna ( "I wanna live! liiiiive!!"). I do realise I can't act upon my sexual urges without becoming some type of sick criminal and that it would be absolutely morally wrong and just fucked up. so I already made up my mind about that. I won't be running around your neighborhood trying to lure your kids in something they want nothing to do with ( or anyone else's for the matter) ever.

Still I am pretty disgusted by myself and can't help but think I am must be some kind of evil bastard for being what I am. Problem is I really did nothing to turn out this way. I never chose to be this way. Never wanted to! I just wanna be normal.

I live in an open minded european country have had loads of girlfriends but always knew deep down that wasn't exactly what I wanted. About one year ago I started watching podophile art from artists such as po-ju, slowly I grew out of it and started looking for something a bit more "real" that's when I started downloading illegal pedophile porn from filesharing programs such as limewire, and that's where it pretty much hit me. It's not just a fetish, it's not that I am bored of girls... it's just my fuckin nature. It's who I am.

I wanted to tell my parents (at least my mom who is much more understanding) but then I heared her talking to my grandma about how she would have all pedophiles castrated, so that's where I decided I would have never been able to come clean with anyone.

I am now posting under some anonymous nickname on these boards which as far I have seen are one of the most openminded.

well that's it pretty much bye...

 

Yeah I ain't touching this one.

 

well... take a gun point it to your temple and pull the trigger.

You won't do it you say? someone else will for you. You are just like one of those "benevolent" vampires in those shitty teeny movies. As soon as the urge kicks in you're no longer in control. You think you are right now but you won't be then.

I repeat you either do it yourself NOW and get a chance to say goodbye to your loved ones etc or someone else will when you least expect it. Your choice.

 

try and get help from a therapist before its too late

 

For sure! See a therapist and NEVER EVER act on your urges. Molesting children is so damaging to them. You would never be able to take that act back.

Did something happen to you sexually at a young age that you have never dealt with? Therapy will help you. But seriously dont act out on your urges and just stay away from kids in general until you ahve gotten a lot of help and start to see things differently.

 

..

 

i certainly dont agree with your sexual choice and thank God you haven't acted upon it. The thing is I'm a lesbian and I cannot help but be that way. Just as straight ppl cannot help but be attracted to the opposite sex - its a good job or the population would be much smaller.

Years ago it was a crime to be gay, it still is in some countries. In the UK it is accepted (to a degree) ie its not illegal but who is to say that in a couple hundred or thousands of years paedophillia, necrophillia and even bestiality are accepted?

Im not saying its right but I have thought about this while trying to understand why I could never be happy in a straight relationship. It feels to me that its my personality to be attracted to the same sex and I imagine that is what u (sexual pervert) feel towards young kids.

I don't know the answer sorry I'm no help but if you find out can you let me know so I can turn straight and not have to deal with all the heartache women bring lol

I would advise never to admit this to anyone but really I feel u should be locked up forever to keep u away from society. However ppl probably thought the same about gay ppl hundreds of years ago n thats my point...

 

can you be more dramatic please? If anything I am like Blade. I have a remedy that resembles the real thing ( masturbation).

I already specified I won't.

nothing like that. I honestly couldn't have asked for more while growing up, had everything I needed.

I don't know if I 'll ever have the courage to admit this to anyone, even if I did what kind of doctor could help with this kind of problem and would I still be in time to be helped at 21? Urologist? or does that have nothing to do with my situation?

Yeah there were bound to be trolls.

You seem to pretty much understand the problem and thanks for the advice.

I was quite puzzled by you calling it a "choice" though. I think comparing it with homosexuality is quite accurate ( ofc there's a big difference still since a homo can at least manifest his needs without becoming a monster) if I could have chosen I would have never wanted to be this way.

 

First of all, good for you for not acting on it.

Second of all, don't ever take the attitude of 'well, maybe one day it will be legal' or 'kids should be allowed to make up their own minds'-- because this is the kind of thing that ends up making you think that society is wrong and that molesting kids is, in a larger more primal sense, perfectly natural. It's not, and it screws them up forever.

It sounds to me like you really don't want to hurt anyone... are you sure that you're a genuine threat to children, or that you just like looking at porn? I'm not saying looking at kiddie porn is in any way something that is a-okay, just that there's a difference between looking at porn and actually acting it out.

I think part of the problem is that if you're watching too much porn, you tend to start craving harder and harder stuff... like any addiction, you end up trying to get more and more, trying to get the 'ultimate high' that never really happens.

Definitely get help-- see a therapist. You can tell them it's an unrelated problem and then get into it in later sessions... they have this thing called 'unconditional positive regard', which means that they can't judge you no matter what.

If you're really afraid of hurting someone and nothing else works, you could seriously consider castration... it sounds gruesome, but it might actually help you to feel better about yourself.

 

ain't got that attitude for now at least. I don't see myself ever thinking that way either.

as I said it's just looking at it.even though I like to do much more than that.

I don't know what part of my post gave you this idea,but no I don't masturbate a lot. Nothing to do with a high either it's much deeper than that.

ok just occured to me my name is "sexual pervert" yeah. I thought of calling myself that when I first signed up about 3 years ago. was purely intended to be a joke nothing else, although I can see now the irony in that :eggnog:

right, good that you mentioned it. A doctor wouldn't really be allowed to rat me out the police right? I heared they have the right to do so in 2 cases. One being if you are planning to harm yourself and two if you are a threat to someone else. that wouldn't fall in the second category would it?

 

yeah i used the word choice with out thinking about it, i understand u dont choose to be this way just like i dont choose to be gay.

I think the difference between homosexuality and paedophilia or bestiality, etc is that usually in homosexuals its 2 (or more) consenting ADULTS n in your situation one party would not consent as at their age they wouldn't fully understand whats happening. This may be why homosexuality is accepted because nobodys getting hurt or abused (usually) and ppl think "let em get on wiv it" as its what both the parties want.

I think in some countries the legal age for sex is 14, i mite be wrong but im sure italy or brazil or summat is an example. (I'm sorry if im wrong n i offend any italians or brazilians out there) If a man or woman in the UK was caught having sex with a child at 14 they would get punished, brandished a paedo n allsorts n I think its just strange how this is the same planet but the rules change depending on where u are or what time period you live in.

I may be wrong again lol but Im sure in the middle or dark ages girls were married off at like 13,14 n that was accepted.

Hopefully paedophilia, bestiality, necrophilia or any other kinda lifestyle choice will never be made legal as, like I say not both the parties would be consenting so it would b abuse.

But then again if thats the case then incest would be legal as both parties are consenting so ...

Do you think your feelings will ever go away or fade? Like imagine your 50 or 60 do u still think u will be lusting after kids or will it be teens n 20 sumthings by then? Is so just wait a while lol

 

Ummmmm... I'm not sure about that, but I think it's a risk that you should be willing to take. I mean, you haven't actually done anything and you aren't currently planning to, right?

I would recommend not just spilling out all of your problems right away and try to get a feel for what kind of doctor you're dealing with... some of them don't know what they're doing, and can make things worse. It might mean a lot of money, but we're talking about your mental health and the safety of children around you.

If you get to the point where you feel like you're really going to go through with it, then you should definitely tell someone. This isn't the kind of thing you or anyone else would want to live with, and it isn't something that any child or family should ever have to go through.

I really hope you're telling the truth when you say that you haven't done anything.

 

..

 

What is this for? What do want to become of it?

 

As an adult survivor I'm saying get help before it is too late. The hard/fucked up part is that usually offendors don't get help unless they get caught. And from what you've written all it will take is for your computer to fuck up. If your computer crashes and they find kiddie porn on it by law they are obligated to report you. That's what happened to Gary Glitter. The dumb bastard still didn't learn and got caught with under aged partners in Thailand where that is a hanging offense. Chances are if you get caught you will get therapy and buttfucked by Bubba the big guy in prison with all the cigarettes.

Peace Out,
Rev J

 

Don't think so. It' the very thought of possessing the purity of an underage who probably doesn't know what he/she is doing that really turns me on. 14 is already too old for me.

what if I haven't done anything yet? or at least not that they can prove it?

what are you talking about? why would it require a crash for "them" to find my porn? who is them in this case?

can you tell me more? for example what repercussions did it have on you?

 

So long as you don't act on these urges, and that includes possessing child pornography, then you are not doing evil. What you are is broken.

 

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1) If you haven't done anything yet then it isn't officially a crime. If you have no intention but need therapy anyway you can still get the therapy you need. The therapist will only report you if there is "The intent to harm yourself or others." Usually you can find a therapist that specialises in your problem who won't judge you.

2) If you are downloading child porn off the internet even if you delete the files it will live in your hard drive until something new has come along and saved over it. If your computer crashes and you take it to a repairman the repairman has to report you to the authorities if he finds any child pornography on your computer. I have read about some cases being thrown out because the child pornograpy was spam sent to the person on trial.

3) Where do I begin? Flashbacks, Nightmares, random fits of anger, thoughts of murder, psychosomatic pain, a general fear of strangers, guilt over not speaking up to stop it sooner than I did, anxiety over being discovered because I was told "If you tell anyone we'll get in trouble. All of this stopped when I started to deal with my pain and angst and started to work on learning about how it happens.

Peace Out,
Rev J

 

Ah, didn't read the part where you are already collecting CP. Yeah, you're pretty fucked up. Consider some kind of chemical therapy before you do something that destroys someone's life and you end up in prison getting raped for the rest of you life.