He is not my boyfriend? Please help.

I've been dating this guy for 4-5 years. We are both 26 years old and have been seeing each other since we were 22. He is not like other guys. He's a 10, as far as personality, looks, intelligence, and sense of humor and he's really respectful toward me. We don't fight and even today, the spark has never went away. Both of us tell each other we love each other every day, and we still seem like a couple who is crazy about each other. Our sex life is great and we still try new things. We have the same group of friends and every one of them always talks about how we seem to be a happy couple. We really know each other, we trust each other and we are always honest with each other. Neither of us have slept with other people in all of these five years. Before me, he has been with one other girl but has never actually had a girlfriend in his life. He's very content with sleeping with one woman for the rest of his life. He loves sex, but it took him a long time to sleep with me and doesn't think people should just have sex with people they hardly know. lol. I believe him when he says this. If you knew him, you would get the "faithful" vibe from him.

We both have told each other many times, that we want to be with each other for life. We have both discussed a future with each other and seem happy and excited about it. We plan to move across the country with each other in about a year. We have also traveled the world together and really experience life to it's fullest. This is the first person I ever loved and I'm starting to realize this is the person I want to marry. Not today, but maybe in a couple years. Him and I have never talked about marriage but he has told me he wants kids sometime when he's 30-35ish. He talked as if he wants/expects to impregnate me in 5-10 years. I am undecided if I want kids, I may in 10 years but that's something I don't think about. But I do think about marrying him some day.

But here is the problem... He doesn't consider me his girlfriend. He says we are best friends and that I'm his best friend in the world. But we are not boyfriend and girlfriend. Sometimes he says I'm his girlfriend and he acts like my boyfriend all the time. My girlfriends think he's the perfect boyfriend and everyone knows how we feel about each other. His guy friends think he should just shut up and start dating me. But his reasons for not wanting to date me is not like any usual reason you would ever hear from a guy. He's not afraid of commitment, but he's afraid for his life.

When he was 15, he had premature back surgery that was not successful. It held him back from activities since then. His doctors say he should not get surgery again and he will live a life of excruciating, chronic pain that he must take heavy painkillers and that's the only way to ease the pain. This is what the doctor tells him and several doctors have said there are possibilities of getting arthritis and being in a wheelchair by the time he's 40. There are so many possibilities but everything seems 50/50. But within the last couple years, he seems to have been getting worse, but that is when he started taking prescription pills for the pain. He is looking into disability benefits and wants to get off his meds. But every time he tries, something happens with his back and he has to go to the ER. He is diagnosed with Spinal Stenosis and Failed Back Syndrome. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Failed_back_syndrome

He loves me but he feels if him and I dated, he would be ruining my life and that I can do better than him because he's got too many medical issues. He wants to protect me from settling with someone who could be in a wheelchair. I don't let that get to me and I think positive about the situation. I think he will slowly get better once he gets off his medication and go back to physical therapy. That is what he's currently trying to do and he thinks he will do better and won't know what is going on with his life till he get off the meds. But he is very scared and I see how much pain he goes through and it hurts. I will accept him in any condition but he says he doesn't wanna put me through that.

We have dated once though. A couple years ago he actually asked me to date him the day we decided to move in together. We were exclusive and he told me how happy he was to date me and he's really wanted to date me for a long time. He just always pretended he didn't want to because he wasn't sure about his back anymore. We lived together for a year and were happy. But then suddenly he had to go to the ER and started having uncontrollable and painful leg shakes. It was a few times he went to the ER then he was just broke and really stressed out. He decided to end our relationship after a year because of his back and because he had to move out of the house cause he couldn't afford to live there anymore and he needed to move away from me because he didn't want me to see him like that. He says every time I help him with anything, he feels pathetic. I enjoy being there for him and don't understand why we needed to end our relationship. Since he ended it, nothing changed except we both moved out of the house. We still act the same and we still see each other exclusively. He's currently sleeping in my room and constantly hangs out with me. He is regularly in my life and I can't imagine being with anyone else.

But it drives me crazy that he can't take it to the level that it's already at. lol. Him and I are not bf/gf, we're not f*ck buddies and we're not "just friends". I can't even explain our relationship to anyone. The feelings are mutual but he is scared because of his back. I would love to be there for him and I usually am, but I want more than what it is. I want a real boyfriend but I don't wanna move on from him. I want to get married some day and I want him to be that person. But if him and I are still "just friends" 10 years from now, I feel this isn't healthy for me. Is it??? Over all, he makes me happy. He doesn't believe me, but what we have, makes me happy. But something is missing. Is it best to:

A) Keep it as it is and maybe in five years, he will be at a better position to just admit he wants more.

B) Keep it as it is and don't expect more. He makes me happy as it is but I'll always feel like something is missing.

C) Stop seeing him because he seems set on his decisions and none of this is healthy for me. He's better off alone and I'm better off with someone who wants to be my boyfriend even though I'll always feel a chunk of my life is missing.

I'll never do C, but I wanna know what is really the best thing for me to do in this situation.

Regardless, I'll just keep seeing him. Is this wrong?

 

He sounds like a wonderful guy, you're very lucky to have him! I can relate to his position. I have been through chronic pain, my back was very bad and I had surgery and was on painkillers for years. And I'll tell you, the pain and drugs made me a different person to my girlfriend - I felt like I was ruining her life because I wouldn't be able to recover and give her the life she deserved. Think about what the pain and meds are doing to him and that what he really wants might not be able to get out because of the kind of person he is. If he's really caring (and sounds like he is) he will put you above himself and his actions sound perfectly reasonable to me for someone in his position. He doesn't feel he is good enough for you because of his bad health - you have to erase this feeling from him and affirm your relationship. It might be he is worried about the exact thing you are posting here about, which is just absurd because it becomes a circle where there is no reason to worry for either of you. I think just give him space but really be there for him, focus on his health and do everything to make him better because I know that when he gets better, everything will change and you will truly be together. Build his confidence in your relationship (which EXISTS regardless of what you call it) and his health, tell him he will get better no matter what. I don't know about his back problem but I know that I thought I would be in pain forever and there was no way out, but trust me something will come up, just keep trying! You're worried about a word - what does it matter if you are called his 'boyfriend' when you've been together for 4 years and had the kind of experience you had together? From what you've written you are LOVERS, in reality and fact, so who cares what to call it?

 

In my 38 years on this earth, I've never met a straight guy that was actually a 10 that didnt have 1/2 dozen girlfriends, at least one of whom says "I so love my boyfriend, he'd never cheat on me"

But otherwise he's right, he's a guy, as his condition gets worse he's not going to want the pity party. You probably will get dumped in 5, 10 years time for a chick he meets in physio or hospital that has a condition similar to him, and he's not going to feel guilty cos he will want more equality and doesnt want a lifetime of guilt knowing you could do better

 

Dude, come on! You cannot be anything more than a 3 if you are cheating on someone. If you cheat, you are not a 10, simple as that. A 10 is perfect in looks, personality, emotions and values. Unless you actually enjoy someone cheating on you (do you?), you would not rate a cheater anywhere near 10.

 

i wouldnt say a dude that strings along a young girl for years a 10 either...op-treat him like a non cripple and dump his ass till he smartens up...sounds like you would have already but you feel sorry for him

 

too harsh

Look, tell him strait, if he has all the issues and is able to cope, you can too. Tell him to stop undermining your affections for him, or to stop making up excuses not to commit. It's not a good enough reason, and frankly, I don't believe it

how can he worry about being a burden, but live with you? Sounds like you are already knee deep and everything seems perfect. He is putting up road blocks and you have to ask him if he would want to be in a relationship had he not have his condition- and if yes to shut up and let you decide your fate for yourself.

Good luck!

 

if you deduct the mandatory points for his ''condition''..he couldnt be a ten...a ten is perfect and a dude with crippling back syndrome is definately not perfect

 

beauty is in the eye of the beholder, that is a 100% certainty!

 

I disagree. It's not a permanent condition, and even if it takes 20 years to heal him, if they achieve what they want together in the end, get married and have a perfect life, that's great. And even if he's in a wheelchair forever, if that suits her personality and it might actually work out better for them than if he is fit, runs in front of a car and is mentally disabled for life.

 

society doesnt have an eye to behold anything...

i hate the fucking 1-10 system that people[not me] use...it was the op that opened that door

 

True, and anyways, I don't use that system either

I just like what I like, fuck society. One of my ex's had a few health issues, but I probably liked her the most without a doubt.

 

LOL, emotions and values eh?, mommy would be proud

Well, my shallow ass was just referring to 10/10 on looks

 

Well, yeah.

I dont know, the guy could be a total saint, but the more he is a saint the more he's going to feel guilty about holding her back

Or he could be a selfish little tool like me and worry more about how it emasculates him

Not just about them, about the kids too

 

Sounds like you have it going on sista wiv your lover and you are both hung up on the labling of what your relationship is- it sounds magik to me a man who is like ohh lady your my best friend. Id rather that than be seen just as a wife or girlfriend...

Uno the saying 'you dont know what uv'e got it its gone'

im not suggesting play games wiv this guy who is obviously feeling like he could trap you into a life as a carer..
Give him a little taste of what life might be like without you in it, harsh maybe
tell him you need to ease off your conextion im guesing if things are as good as what they seem as soon as you chill it out he will be round your house wiv a ring and he now needs to make a choice if he wants to be happy or not!

As for numbers ive never graded any being, wtf is all that about???.. if i met the man that fits all he could have 2 heads no teeth wheels for legs & 3 eyes or whatever id be wiv him even if i felt he had issues of commitment and fears-
You know how lucky you are to have met in this world of kaos, make sure he does too ...

 

You can do better. Find someone who wants to love you and take care of you.

 

Lovekush, do you have any idea how AMAZINGLY BLESSED you are to have found the love of your life ????????????? Do you have any idea how many miserable, loveless, bitter creatures there are in this world? Do you have any idea how many people go their whole lives without love?

I think maybe you do realize how blessed you are. Hold on to this one lovekush, hold on to this one for dear life.

There are two things I would recommend. One is going to couple counciling. It's important for him to realize his own worth, whether in a wheelchair or not. It's important for him to realize that you are better off with him than without. Hearing this from a third party will probably help this sink in for him.

The second is acupuncture. If you look at my posts, you'll probably see that it is not uncommon for me to recommend therapy for relationship issues and acupuncture for health issues. I think I am justified. Acupuncture is endorsed by the World Health Organization for treating a variety of illnesses. It is especially good at treating back pain. San Francisco has lots of acupuncturists, and probably some very good ones. It can be expensive, but please try it out.

There is more that I can recommend, like reiki and qi gong, but more on this later

The main point here is that there is stuff that you can do to make this thing work out, so please do the work and keep working at this because you have something that is worth fighting for.

Don't blow this, kid. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

 

I wouldn't accept his personal evaluation of his physical condition and his attitude. I have had two back surgeries and spinal stenosis was identified. I developed a limp from the first surgery as well. However after becoming actively involved in physical therapy and go to a specialized training center 5 days a week the limp is gone, there is no pain and I am in the best physical condition of my life. No pain meds! Pilates has been especially beneficial to my back, legs, spine and conditioning.

Unless he is willing to take another therapeutic route and not give up I would not plan a future with him.